Scully: Aw, buddy, you'll be okay.
Hitchcock: It doesn't feel like it. My heart is ruined forever. I'm done with love. I'll never find anyone as--. Oh, my God! Get a load of the can on her! See ya dorks, I'm gonna get some.
Jake: Well, Hitchcock still sucks.

Hitchcock: Also, Anna's family is from the Old Country and kind of conservative, so try not to mention the baby to them.
Jake: Perfect; I'll just do what I always do at weddings: Not talk to anyone I don't know already.
Hitchcock: You're the best, Jake. That's why you're the baby's godfather.
Jake: Wait. I am?

Hitchcock: Guys, I figured out what went wrong between Anna and me. My job. I'm a workaholic! Not anymore. From now on, I'm focusing on what really matters. Come on, Scully, let's get some wings.
Scully: Aw, bud, I thought you'd never ask.

Jake: Congratulations, Hitchcock, it's the first wedding I've ever been to with a cover charge.
Hitchcock: It's for our honeymoon. We're going to Barbados, and we'll have the island all to ourselves, because it's Dengue Fever season.
Amy: But your wife is pregnant.
Hitchcock: You can't live in fear. Don't want to spend every moment worried about Dengue or black mold or those weird spots on the MRI they found on your brain.
Amy: Hitchcock, is your brain okay?
Hitchcock: The point is: I don't care.

Hitchcock: Oh, come on. It's like every woman in this city has all of her teeth. Stupid Bloomberg and his stupid soda ban!

Hitchcock: Now all I have to remember her by is this tooth.
Rosa: What the hell? Why do you have that?
Hitchcock: We were eating pizza, and it fell out of her mouth.
Scully: Well, this is perfect. We can use it to find her.
Hitchcock: What do you mean?
Scully: We just have to try fitting that tooth into the mouth of every woman in New York City till we find the matching gum hole of your one true love.
Hitchcock: My life is like a fairy tale!

Hitchcock: I can't believe Bethany's gone. It was so out of the blue.
Jake: Well, not entirely. I mean, she did have an affair with her hairdresser, and you filmed it and threatened to release the tape, and then she said she didn't care and put it on the internet herself, and then when it started to make money, you sued her for half the profits.
Hitchcock: And then boom, out of the blue: Divorce papers.

Hitchcock: Make it a double. My heart has a hole in it. I might as well fill it with booze.
Anna Rubov: Same for me. Except my hole's in my mouth.
Hitchcock: It's you! My toothless Cinderella!

Hitchcock: We walked along the river for hours, just talking and laughing. She even gave me her real number.
Rosa: Really?
Hitchcock: Check it out.
Rosa: That's just a dirty old napkin covered in sauce.
Hitchcock: Oh, no. Her number! It's totally ruined. I knew I shouldn't have had those breakfast wings.

Hitchcock: What's she saying?
Captain Holt: She says that Boris is not a good man. He's cheating on her sister. She knows because he's the real father of her baby.
Rosa: Oh.
Hitchcock: What? Oh, no!

Hitchcock: It's official! I'm in love. I just spent the night with the woman of my dreams.
Rosa: The lady from your divorce party?
Hitchcock: Yeah. She's my soulmate. She's funny. She's beautiful. She has almost no scars.
Scully: Hot biscuits. It sounds like you hooked a live one.

Hitchcock: It was her. I heard her setting up a drop.
Jake: And why were you in the women's room?
Hitchcock: It wasn't for a gross reason. The men's room was occupied, and I had to dump out.
Jake: Well, as long as it wasn't for a gross reason.

Hitchcock: Peralta, how about we make these games a little more exciting with a wager?
Jake: Ooh, interesting. What'd you have in mind?
Hitchcock: If you win, I'll do your paperwork for a year.
Jake: Go on.
Hitchcock: If I win, I get your new car.
Amy: You're joking, right?
Hitchcock: Why? Because you can't imagine someone bitchin' like me driving a lame family sedan?
Amy: No, because Jake would never bet our car.
Jake: Yeah, I would never do that. But also, it's not lame. It's the color of an alcohol. Everyone's talking about it.
Hitchcock: No, Jake, it's a super lame car. But I don't mind. My ex-step-son kicked me out of the house, and I need a place to crash with air conditioning.

Jake: Why aren't you hiding? Are you quitting?
Hitchcock: Oh, no, quite the opposite. This little guy keeps Scully's liver from imploding, but it has a neat side effect. It also masks your natural odor and makes you smell like a dead fish.
Amy: Ew.
Hitchcock: Who's got two stinky thumbs that stink like rotten salmon? This stinky guy.
Jake: You suck.

Hitchcock: So I bet you're wondering how I did so well in that last competition.
Jake: Actually, I was impressed you didn't eat any of the meat.
Hitchcock: Well, I don't deserve all the credit. Scully, show 'em what we're working with.
Scully: This is Dorothy, my pill box.
Jake: Good God.
Hitchcock: My friend here has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments. They make him normal. They make me limitless.
Scully: This blood thinner can suppress appetite. This eczema pill can cause extreme muscle spasms.
Hitchcock: Which is pretty inconvenient, unless you need to hurl meat across the room.
Jake: My God. He's doping.
Scully: Welcome to the big leagues.