Sergeant Jeffords: I still think it was Amy.
Amy: Obviously I'm being framed, probably by whomever keeps accusing me.
Captain Holt: No one's asking the obvious question. Why did Scully open a package on Peralta's desk? Perhaps he was setting up the prank, and it blew up in his face.
[All murmuring in agreement]
Scully: No, I just saw a box and I thought, "Oh, cookies come in boxes."
[All murmuring in agreement]

Dillman: May I have everyone's attention please? I have solved the, "who has done this." I know by whom it was done. It was Jake Peralta.
Jake: What? That's crazy. The box was on my desk. I'm the victim.
Hitchcock: Wrong. Scully's the victim.
Scully: You know, you think glitter's gonna taste like sprinkles, but it doesn't. It tastes like blood.
Rosa: That is blood. The glitter's shredding your tongue.
Scully: Oh.

Scully: We asked you what model number.
Amy: I don't know, a normal one with glass in the front.
Scully: Seriously? Did you even look into the DiGiSnax 600E?
Charles: I'd be into a fancy machine, too. I was just reading about a Japanese one that serves shellfish.
Amy: We're not getting a shellfish machine.
Scully: Yeah, Boyle, we're getting a smart machine that suggests soda pairings based on your chip choice.
Hitchcock: Or one with a make-it-wet gravy feature!

Scully: Mmm... the smell of fresh cooked pizza.
Hitchcock: Where are we? Rome, Italy?
Amy: Guys, you got the vending machine you wanted. You can stop with the play acting.
Charles: I don't think that's scripted. That's just them talking about pizza.
Scully: Yum, yum, yum.

Charles: Okay, guys, look. I know this is sad, but maybe everything happens for a reason.
Scully: What reason could there possibly be for the pain I'm feeling?
Charles: Look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this because I know you'll abuse it, but when there's no third machine, you can come back here and do this.
[Charles hits the side of the vending machine and a snack falls out]
Scully: Everything happens for a reason.

Scully: [stilted] Allow me to introduce you to the Q3400. She's got it all. Chips, candy, soda, and a whole lot of class.
Hitchcock: [stilted] That sounds great for snacking, but what if I'm stuck working late at the office?
Scully: How about a personal-sized frozen pizza?
Hitchcock: And then what? I have to carry it all the way over to the microwave on my own? Who has the time?
Scully: Well, you're in luck, because...
Amy: I get it! It cooks the pizza for you.
Scully: It cooks the pizza for you.

Scully: What's this meeting about? Did someone find my meatball sub?
Jake: A, we would never have a meeting about that. B, you are holding it.
Scully: Oh. [chuckles] Meeting adjourned.
Rosa: Meeting's not over, dummy.

Scully: Thanks for coming out to Hitchcock's divorce party.
Rosa: You know you got another gay cake, right?
Scully: What? No way.
Rosa: It says "Boys! Boys! Boys!" on it.
Scully: Because we're the boys.

Scully: For those of you that don't know me, my name is Norm Scully. Hitchcock is my partner, and he's also my best friend. He buys the bear claws I like when we're on a stakeout or when we're just in the office or at home. I love him. Anna Rubov, do you promise to love and cherish Michael Hitchcock as much as I've loved him?
Anna Rubov: I do.
Scully: And, Michael Hitchcock, do you agree to shower Anna with the same love and kindness you've shown me these 30 wonderful years together?
Hitchcock: I do.
Sergeant Jeffords: Dang. Terry didn't know this was gonna be so sweet.
Scully: You may now kiss the bride.
[Anna and Hitchcock share a kiss, then he pulls Scully into a tight hug]

Scully: Thanks, everybody, for coming out to Hitchcock's divorce party.
Rosa: Why is the cake two men getting married?
Scully: That's me and Hitchcock. The boys are back together!
Captain Holt: This cake for a gay wedding. The inside is a rainbow.
Scully: Nuh-uh. It's my favorite flavor: All the flavors!

Hitchcock: Amy, could you open your mouth for me?
Amy: What? No.
Scully: Forget it, I just saw. She's got all her teeth...
Hitchcock: [scoffs]
Scully: Even the back ones.

Officer Debbie Fogle: Mmm, what do I want in my sandwich? Let's see. Definitely ham, cheese, baking soda for sure, French vanilla creamer, ooh, orange chicken. [runs] Ah!
Sergeant Jeffords: Debbie!
[Scully holds his arm out and knocks Debbie to the ground]
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ooh!
Scully: You really thought you'd get away with it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Scully!
Scully: I was planning on eating that orange chicken later!
Sergeant Jeffords: Is that why you took her down? Do you even know about the missing cocaine?
Scully: Cocaine?

Hitchcock: I dogsat for Scully, and he never thanked me. Kelly was a real handful.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, I'm confused again. Kelly was a dog?
Scully: There were two Kellys. You'd know that if you'd ever listened to my podcast.

Captain Holt: Brad, my funny friend, we don't need this training. We don't have any workplace conflicts.
Brad Portenburg: Oh, there's always conflict somewhere. Now, it could be something small, like a pet peeve, or-
Scully: Hitchcock slept with my wife, Kelly, in 1988!
Sergeant Jeffords: So Kelly was his wife, not his dog.

Captain Julie Kim: Oh, Michael, Norm, I didn't realize you arrived. Come with me, I want to make an introduction.
Scully: Don't worry, Jake. You're our friend. We're on your side no matter- Holy crap! Look at those chairs.
Captain Julie Kim: I know you two like to sit, and these are the most comfortable chairs ever. Give 'em a try.
Both: Ohh.