Rosa: Okay, Barbecue.
Scully: Mm-hmm.
Rosa: Sweet Maui Onion, and the surprising underdog, Original.
Scully: I think I'm ready to crown a Chipeon.
Rosa: Chipeon? That's good.
Scully: Yeah, I came up with it because I misspoke. [both laugh]

Scully: Oh, hey, Amy. Starting round three. You wanna try New Mexico-style Chile Verde?
Amy: Uh, my hands are kind of full here, Scully.
Scully: I can toss it to you. [throws chip]
Amy: Wha... Scully, don't throw chips at my baby!

Rosa: Okay, look, you two are always complaining about work regulations, so I'm guessing you know your way around the Patrolmen's Union. I need your help to break in.
Scully: You bet. Those bastards are everything that's wrong with policing.
Hitchcock: [on video chat] Their dress policy's insane. You have to wear a shirt at all times. Yuck!
Rosa: Just tell me how I can get to O'Sullivan's office undetected.
Scully: No problem. He goes to lunch at 12:30, so that's your window. At 12:45, the mail is delivered. The guard at the desk always flirts with the mail woman, so he'll be distracted. Then go down the main hall. This is important. It's your last bathroom stop on the whole floor. It's unisex and handicap, so you get that bad boy all to yourself.
Hitchcock: [on video chat] Tell her about toilet paper.
Rosa: Stop talking about bathrooms.
Scully: Fine. Pee your pants. What do I care? Go to the last office on the right and you're there.

Scully: Aw, this ice cream is melting.
Hitchcock: Who cares? We can drink melted ice cream. We can't eat spoiled ham. We have to prioritize!
Scully: What if we combine them? Wrap the ice cream in the ham like a taquito.
Hitchcock: This man. This man is my best friend.
Rosa: You two are the worst people to have around in an emergency. I literally can't imagine a scenario where you'd be helpful.
Scully: Murder at a Cinnabon. Who would you call?
Rosa: Someone who wouldn't be distracted by the frosting.
Scully: Yeah, I do love that frosting.

Amy: [groans, gasps] You made me a birthing suite?
Scully: We've been napping at work for 20 years. We know how to create a relaxing space in a police station.
Hitchcock: Gurney.
Scully: Fire blankets.
Hitchcock: Night stick for back massage.
Scully: Soothing lighting.
Hitchcock: AKA Scully's fart candles.
Rosa: I'm sorry I said you were worthless in an emergency. You two really came through.
Scully: It's just nice to have a win after what we went through today. So many deviled eggs were lost, and for what?
Hitchcock: Hey, hey, you can't focus on that. There were hundreds of meatballs that were eaten because of you!
Scully: I could've eaten more. Just one more!
Amy: Guys?
Hitchcock: Not now, Amy.

Amy: Fine, look... I don't have to go to the hospital until my contractions are three minutes apart and last for at least 45 seconds.
Rosa: Yeah, but don't you need to go home and pack some stuff?
Amy: [scoffs] I'll be fine. Scully, you have a hospital go-bag at your desk, right?
Scully: Yep, what do you need? One-day, three-day, coma kit?
Amy: I rest my case.

Captain Holt: That's everything, but before we go home, but quick reminder that today is Sergeant Santiago's last day before maternity leave. [applause] We'll see you in three months.
Scully: She gets three months off? Can I take a maternity leave?
Jake: Are you giving birth to a baby?
Scully: I'm having a seven pound mass removed from my abdomen next week. [all groan]
Jake: Yeah, never ask Scully questions. That's on me, guys!

Charles: Why did you want Cheddar to swallow the gems?
Rosa: Because I needed to delay things. The second part of my plan took place on Valentine's Day, which went perfectly.
Jake: Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly. Scully swallowed the gems.
Rosa: 'Cause I tricked him into it. Wasn't hard. Pretty much used the same Cheddar ham playbook.
[flashback:]
Scully: Table ham. Seven days in a row.
[present:]
Scully: So now I have to think twice before I eat food I find lying around. Thanks a lot.

Rosa: What is happening?
Amy: You tell us. You're the one who just mysteriously appeared at this critical moment.
Rosa: I was stuck in the bathroom with Scully. It was a nightmare.
Scully: For me too. Hitchcock and I haven't had any time alone all day. I don't even know what he had for lunch.
Hitchcock: Italian sandwich.
Scully: But with what kind of chips?

Captain Holt: No, Rosa took the gems. I saw you brush up against one of the flower delivery men who handed you the gems, which you gave to Scully, who placed them in his mouth.
Rosa: That's absurd.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah, that's absurd.
Rosa: Okay, fine, but no one is getting those gems.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah.
Rosa: None of you would dare to put your bare hands inside of Scully's mouth.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah.
Rosa: Who knows what kind of diseases he's got.
Scully: [clearly] My doctors sure don't.
Rosa: Scully, why wasn't that garbled?

Rosa: Who has the gems? What's going on?
Scully: And explain it quickly. I have to pee again.

Scully: [o.s.] Hey, Rosa, you brought headphones right? To drown out the sound?
Rosa: No.
Scully: Oh boy, I'm really sorry for what's heading your way.
Rosa: [o.s.] [screams]
Scully: [o.s.] I'm sorry!

Jake: Oh, my God. That's right. You still don't know the sex of the baby. With all the craziness, I almost forgot. Emphasis on "almost."
Amy: What?
Jake: Well, I got another cake just for the two of us.
Amy: Jake, that's so sweet.
Jake: Here we go.
Amy: I'm so excited. It's empty. There's no cake inside.
Jake: What? Where'd it go?
[Scully enters with blue icing all around his mouth]
Scully: Hey, guys. Do you have any milk?
Amy: [gasps] We're having a boy?
Jake: We're having a boy!
Scully: [loudly] Hey, do you have milk or not?
Amy: Jeez.
Jake: God.

Hitchcock: Wait!
[A fire extinguisher is thrown into the elevator]
Amy: What the hell?
Scully: Sorry, I didn't want to run, and that was the only way to stop the doors.
Rosa: It wasn't, and it didn't.
Scully: It worked, we're here.

Sergeant Jeffords: I still think it was Amy.
Amy: Obviously I'm being framed, probably by whomever keeps accusing me.
Captain Holt: No one's asking the obvious question. Why did Scully open a package on Peralta's desk? Perhaps he was setting up the prank, and it blew up in his face.
[All murmuring in agreement]
Scully: No, I just saw a box and I thought, "Oh, cookies come in boxes."
[All murmuring in agreement]