Jake: You slept in your office and you look exactly the same. How?
Captain Holt: What are you talking about? My hair is a mess.

Charles: You just graduated pie school, bitches.
Sorry I said bitches, I'm just really worked up.

Sergeant Jeffords: He makes me feel so small!
Captain Holt: Well, who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant! You're a grown man!
Now take your nap. And if I see the lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.

Jake: I can't believe you live nearby, and you won't let anyone crash at your place.
Rosa: You people already know too much about me.
Jake: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won't let any of us crash at your place.

Captain Holt: I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Jake: But?
Captain Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Gina: You think you can just bully people, but you can't. It's not okay. I'm the bully around here. Ask anyone.

Rosa: Is that a nightgown?
Sergeant Jeffords: That's mine. It's a T-shirt from my fat phase.
Jake: "If at first you don't secede, try try again."
Sergeant Jeffords: You're that big, you buy anything that fits. A lot of fat guy clothes have racist overtones.

Scully: Hi guys. There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is my salt water taffy place was closed.
Captain Holt: And the good news?
Scully: Whitman's alibi checked out. Security footage from Torque shows he was there.
Jake: That's not good news. That's bad news.
Scully: Right, that is bad news. It's on me. Sorry.

Jake: I want to brush my teeth.
Charles: Jake, it's been in my mouth!
Amy: That's the grossest thing I've ever heard!
Jake: That's the grossest thing you've ever heard? You caught a guy on the subway with a bag of human ears!
Amy: Your thing's grosser.

Gina: Do whatever you want, but most women don't really like it when dudes lie to them. Except for me, but I'm wired to thrive on dysfunction.

Rosa: Is this why you were getting make-up tips from the prostitute in the holding cell?
Amy: I just wanted to know how she got such smoky eyes. Turns out it was an STD rash.

Captain Holt: Every one's tired, Peralta, they just want to go home.
Jake: Yeah, but I have to prove I'm not selfish so I don't care what they want.
That sounded bad.

Charles: How long were we asleep?
Sergeant Jeffords: Just long enough for me to squeeze in a quick work out. So like three hours.

Gina: Ha, put it in the suck it, bucket.

Captain Holt: I know you're all tired, but don't forget why we're here.
Jake: Because we're dedicated detectives.
Captain Holt: Because Peralta jumped the gun.

Jake: Will you at least tell Hitchcock to go home? His mouth smells like rotten trout milk.
Captain Holt: Is there such a thing?
Jake: I'm just telling you what it smells like.
Captain Holt: Get out.

Sergeant Jeffords: I ended up doing twenty-five minutes of sleep chin-ups of muscle memory alone. Tired Terry still gets after it. That's all I'm saying.

Jake: Just promise me you won't use the condoms in the secret pocket of your purse, okay? They're expired.
Amy: How do you know what's in my purse?
Jake: I needed concealer for a zit!

Jake: A couple of quick announcements. First, I met our night janitor, Ronald. If any of you are missing hand sanitizer: he drank it!

Captain Holt: You can crash on my couch. I even downloaded you some whale songs.

Charles: What are you doing? Holt said you didn't have to come in. You don't even come in on days you have to work.

Gina: You tried both pies, you know mine is better. But you're scared to tell Rosa because you're into her.
Charles: What? That is not true. Okay. I don't even like food.
Gina: What?
Charles: Who's Rosa? You're the scared one!