Charles: Hey, G-Spot!
Gina: Rosa, Charles. Ugh, I missed you guys so much.
Rosa: Really? Because when you left, you made a pretty big deal about deleting us from your phone.
Gina: Girl, that was just the showman in me.
PR is so boring. I need some Nine-Nine drama, stat.
Rosa: I don't think we're that dramatic.
Gina: I've been gone one week. Jake and Amy are dating and they've killed a person.

Gina: Whatcha doing there, Boyle?
Charles: Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan. Why can't I just think with my junk like a modern man?

Amy: Listen, guys. Jake and I were talking last night-
Charles: Pillow talk alert. Set the scene, spooning or face to face?
Jake: Charles.
Charles: Spooning.

Sergeant Jeffords: Move over, Peralta! Move over! Okay. And if I may do a third toast, it'll be focused primarily on the mango yogurt.
*Audience groans*
Don't boo me! I lost something important too, shoot!

Jake: We can deal with this. We just need a new plan.
Amy: I got it. We lie, tell him we broke up, then date in secret.
Jake: Great! And you'd be okay lying to your captain?
Amy: Okay, new plan.

Jake: And Coho salmon? Well, that's just something I know about from being a man of the world.
-cut to Jake and Boyle at a restaurant-
Waiter: Our special today is Coho salmon on a-
Jake: Sounds disgusting. Do you have chicken fingers?
-cut back to Jake and Amy at the funeral-
Jake: Impressed?
Amy: Mm-hmm. And horrified by your eating habits.
Jake: Well, if I'm so unhealthy, how come I never go to the bathroom?

Captain Holt: Until this morning, some part of me still believed I would be captain of the Nine-Nine again. What a fool I was. I should never have returned. It's like visiting your childhood home and seeing it's been replaced by a denim pants store.

Captain Holt: I have one. Holt saves your ass.
Jake: Captain.
Captain Holt: I was moved by your speech, Peralta.
Jake: Thank you, sir. That's very nice of you to say.
Captain Holt: The syntax was problematic.
Jake: Less nice.
Captain Holt: And your vocabulary is a true indictment of the public school system.
Jake: Seems like you're just slamming me now.
Captain Holt: But the fact that you're not willing to give up in the face of adversity is inspiring.
I love the Nine-Nine, and I'm not gonna turn my back on the squad.

Amy: He heard that I speak Spanish, and he made me fire his housekeeper. She was Polish.

Sergeant Jeffords: Now, anyone seen Captain Holt? He seemed a little down when he came in.
Gina: Yeah, he let me choose the music on the way over here, which leads me to believe he's given up on life.

Captain Holt: And now for a message of hope.
Jake: Ah, a message of hope, right on time.
Captain Holt: Everything is garbage.
Jake: Oh, no.
Captain Holt: You find something you care about, and it's taken from you your colleague, your dream job, your mango yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoo!
Captain Holt: Never love anything.
That's the lesson.
To Captain Dozerman.

Amy: We're going to secretly record the Vulture telling you to dump me. Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin, and then-
Jake: We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other.
Amy: You get to keep your job.
Jake: Yes, that.

Amy: Oh, Captain Holt is here today!
Jake: Yes! Genius! He loves us and he's got tons of sway in the department.
Amy: He'll tell the Vulture to back down.
Jake: He'll be all "Vulture, I must INSIST that you DESIST."
Amy: I really think this is going to work. Also, if you ever want to bust out that Holt impression at home, I'd be okay with that.
Jake: Oh, okay. Duly noted. Super disturbing, but I'm definitely going to do it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Captain Holt: Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

Captain Holt: I've been asked to deliver a toast here after the funeral, a message of hope. This is what I have so far. "Pain!"
That's it.

Rosa: Dude, you can't go through life trying not to get hurt.
You should try to be happy.
Charles: So you think I should look for someone I can have emotional intercourse with?
Rosa: I wish you hadn't said it like that, but yeah.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay guys, I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare and that none of us liked him, but I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad.
Everyone make a sad face.
Scully, you are nailing it!
Scully: My wife just texted. She's leaving me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Good. Use it.

Jake: Hey, Captain. I was looking for you inside.
The Vulture: One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house.
Jake: Oh, respectful.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can I be honest? Precinct's not the same without you. The Vulture's the worst. My mango yogurt-
Captain Holt: Yes, you already mentioned the yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: 'Cause it's important!

Margaret Dozerman: It took my husband and me years of counseling to get over those little backwood orgies of yours.
He had sex with five prostitutes in one weekend.
Amy: Ugh!
Jake: That's bananas! I had no idea. I was probably too busy praying.
Margaret Dozerman: You said you planned the trips.
Jake: Yeah, I did say that.
Margaret Dozerman: Called yourself the Coho King.
Jake: All right, look. I'm not the Coho King. My name is Jake.
And your husband was only my Captain for, like, a day.
Margaret Dozerman: Wait a second. Are you the Jake that killed him?
Jake: No, I'm prostitute Jake. I love prostitutes.
Margaret Dozerman: You need to go. You should leave right now.
You need to leave right now.

Sergeant Jeffords: Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off.
Scully: I don't know why this is happening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, I love it. Everyone follow his lead!

The Vulture: Yeah, all eyes are gonna be on us because Frick & Frack here killed Captain Dozerman.
Jake: Hey. We accidentally startled a guy with a genetic heart condition. If you really think about it, his parents killed him.

Jake: Once again, Scully's butt is the downfall of this precinct.

Jake: If I might offer a counter-toast of sorts. Captain Dozerman and I, we weren't together for very long. In fact, as coworkers, our relationship was only six days. But that's not nothing. It was long enough for me to know that we had something special. And sure, there may be obstacles.
Him having passed away, for example. But I'm not giving up on us. And I don't care if I get demoted.
I just care about being with you Captain Dozerman, an adult man who has passed into the nether world.

Amy: We're gonna take a page from the Vulture's book.
Jake: The Big Book of Small Butts?
Amy: What?
Jake: It's the only thing I've ever seen him read.

Lieutenant Singh: I love the way your butt looks today.
Charles: I've been doing lunges in the shower.
Rosa: Well, this got upsetting real quick.
Gina: I wanna live in this moment forever.

Rosa: Charles, it is not like you to have sex with a total stranger.
Charles: Really? Tell that to me in an hour when we've had sex twenty-three times.

Jake: Well, I know you love hot goss, so you probably heard Amy and I are dating.
Amy: And we would love your approval.
Jake: No.
Amy: But, that's not what this is about.
Jake: It sure is not. Sir, the Vulture is out of control, all right. He told me if I don't dump Amy, he's going to demote me. You gotta help us.
Captain Holt: Let me stop you right there, Peralta. I'm not the Chief of Detectives. I'm not the Vulture's boss. I'm just some guy in PR.
Amy: But we thought-
Captain Holt: I can't save your ass. I don't work here any more. And the sooner your accept that, the better.

Gina: First time back at the Nine-Nine. I really miss these people. The whole crew. Jake, Terry, bleugh. I forget all their other names.

Captain Holt: Just remember, we're back here as PR representatives. I don't want to be disruptive.
Gina: Too bad. We're like rockstars to these people. They're gonna go nuts, be like "rah!", "rah!".
Captain Holt: I would hate it if these doors opened and everyone stopped working to applaud us.

Rosa: Ugh. What do you even know about this person?
Charles: Oh, we don't know anything about each other. She says she likes that about us. It's just pure, animal attraction.
Rosa: This is creepy, and unlike you. Do you even know her first name?
Charles: Oh, umm, Do animals in the wild know each other's names?
All I know is, Charles Boyle's going to that funeral and he's going to put the bone back in boneyard.

Captain Holt: Everyone I work with this is a stupidface. Especially Bryce.

Jake: God, he is the worst captain we've ever had. He drew boobies on my bullet-proof vest.

Charles: My only relationship that wasn't totally devastating when it ended was my casual sex carnival with Gina.

Jake: Thought I might find you here. So not a big fan of my speech, huh?
Amy: No, I loved it. I mean, I wish it hadn't been at a wake.
And I wish you hadn't kept referring to me as your dead boss.
Jake: Yeah, it pretty much sucked butt, but still was somehow the best of the three toasts.
Amy: Hmm.
Jake: Look, I don't want to break up. But I don't want to get demoted either. I just don't know what to do. I'm all out of plans.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, my life stinks. Sharon's on bed rest.
My favorite mango yogurt got discontinued. And my kids think their preschool teacher's a stupidface.

The Vulture: You know, I've made a lot of improvements since you left. I got a fridge for my protein shakes. I got a kettlebell station. I got a wolf that I killed in Utah.
Captain Holt: I'm fairly certain that's a dog.
The Vulture: Yeah, it was dark.

Jake: Thanks. Blessings to you.
Amy: Blessings?
Jake: I don't know. It's my first time in a church.

Jake: Ugh, it's impossible to find Garmin with everybody mourning all over the place.
It's like they have no respect for our sneaky plans.
Amy: I know.

Sergeant Jeffords: My tolerance has really changed since I had kids!

Charles: She's a vegan!
Rosa: What is going on?
Charles: You're right. I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know about her. And I got what I deserved: a vegan, a gluten-free vegan!

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate going to work and you're not there.
Everything is garbage.
Captain Holt: "Everything is garbage."
I should put that in my message of hope.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's a really good idea!

Jake: So listen, I've been thinking, we got off on the wrong foot here. And I believe it's because we're just too damn similar.
The Vulture: You do?
Jake: Absolutely. We both love premium tequila. Robin Thicke.
The Vulture: Oh yeah.
Jake: Gots to have my puks.
The Vulture: Gots to.
Jake: And, of course, most importantly, nip slips.
The Vulture: Ha. Let me ask you a question, Jake. Do you also like Okinawan martial arts? Because you left this in my back.
What I'm saying, Einstein, is that you stabbed me in my back.

Lieutenant Singh: I got us a motel room across the street. Meet me there in fifteen minutes.
Charles: I'll "meat" you all right. M-E-A-T.

The Vulture: I'm going to stop you right there. Hugs are an inappropriate form of workplace touching. Trust me. I'm very familiar with the sexual harassment guidelines. That'll be all.

The Vulture: Busted! I knew you were faking it. I bet you don't even like nip slips.

Jake: It's true. I'm going to bro down with him. If everything goes according to plan, we should be Beer Pong doubles partners by the end of the week.
Now, someone give me a puka shell necklace, I'm going Full Douche.

Rosa: He stared at me for ninety seconds while he ate an entire peach.

Jake: Well, well. If it isn't Captain Raymond Jacob Holt. Great to see you back at the Nine-Nine, sir.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Jake: There it is, that classic Jake/Holt banter. Zingers just flying around. It's like you never left.
Captain Holt: No, I most definitely left.

Jake: Well, looks like somebody's got a bad case of the funeral crankies.