Amy: I'm sorry, babe. I'd say I'd take over Mac stuff for the week, but I have to rewrite my whole presentation to be snappier, and, also, according to Terry, I need to learn how to walk with my shoulders and not my feet.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, so don't freak out, but apparently there are several other groups presenting reform proposals to One Police Plaza, and only one will get funding.
Amy: Why would that make me freak out?
Sergeant Jeffords: Because you can be a little competitive.
Amy: [scoffs] That's not true. No one is less competitive than me. No one.

Captain Holt: I'm taking you off the case because you both asked for reduced hours to focus on childcare, and Santiago has her big presentation this week. If our pilot program to reimagine how uniformed officers are deployed gets funded, it will represent a significant reform for the NYPD.
Jake: Sir, we can take care of Mac and still do both of our jobs. Trust me, we've got this whole parenting thing figured out.
Amy: It's true. We're great, and Mac is great. I mean, the only teeny-tiny issue is that he isn't pulling himself up yet, but the window for that is 9 to 12 months. So the fact that he's 10 months old and isn't doing it yet doesn't mean that we're bad parents. [16 minutes later] And I was reading that Simone Biles went straight from crawling to walking. So, yeah, I guess I should be "concerned" that my son is on the same track as a multiple gold medal winner. I mean, get real, sir. [laughs]

Captain Holt: Let's talk quickly before he returns and makes this all about himself again.
Amy: Okay. We can't use uniforms from other precincts because they'll call out sick, too. So I asked the other captains in the district to lend us some detectives.
Captain Holt: Smart. They have a different union.
Amy: And they each sent us two people. They said they were happy to do it.
Captain Holt: Huh. That's odd. I wouldn't be happy to give up two of my detectives, unless...
Amy: Dear God.
[later:]
Amy: They sent us their Hitchcock-and-Scullys.
Captain Holt: It's a nightmare.

Captain Holt: Prong two... Jeffords and Santiago, your job is to keep crime down. Figure out how we police this precinct with no police.
Sergeant Jeffords: Prong two, baby... the best prong.
Jake: I mean, we're all in it together. It's not like this is a competition between prongs.
Amy: Says the prong who breaks the most.

Charles: Hey, Amy, I wanted to give you this. I made Mac a truffle squash puree. I'm not trying to show you how to do anything, I'm just trying to apologize.
Amy: It's okay, Charles. I actually learned something from you yesterday. Mac has trouble sleeping because I bother him too much. When he was locked in that room no one could check on him, and it was the longest nap he's ever taken. So thank you for the mousse.
Charles: I can't believe you actually took it.
Amy: Of course I took it. You locked my baby in a room, Charles. You're gonna be cooking for him until he goes to college, okay?
Charles: Okay.
Amy: Great, thanks.

Jake: Hey, crazy what a good mood Mac is in.
Amy: You mean given the fact that he was locked in a prison by Charles?
Jake: How long did he sleep?
Amy: You mean before he was rescued from the prison he was locked in by Charles?
Jake: I guess.
Amy: Three hours.
Jake: Whoa. What did Charles do?
Amy: You mean besides...
Both: Locking him in a prison.
Jake: Got it. I'll stop asking. Well, whatever he did, I'm loving his mood.
Amy: Whatever.

Charles: Amy, will you please pass the mini crab cakes?
Amy: Are you sure you can be trusted with something so small and delicate?
Charles: I can tell you're upset, but you should know that I was locked in a room for 16 days as a child, and I turned out just fine.
Amy: No, you didn't. You're a freak!

Amy: He forgot the sleep sack! And Mac doesn't even care! I can't watch this.

Amy: Damn it, these blackout curtains don't keep the light out. Ugh! You screwed me on this, Shannon from Buy Buy Baby!
Charles: You know, Amy, Mac's issues with sleeping might not be the light in the room, it might be the darkness in your heart.
Amy: Excuse me?
Charles: Sorry, that was mean. I was trying to be poetic. It's important to be mindful of your energy when you're with an infant. Trust me, I'm sort of a natural mother.
Amy: Yeah, natural mother[bleep]. [Rosa laughs] How long have you been there?
Rosa: Oh, man, I have no idea.

Rosa: How long is the drive up there? I wanna time my edible so it kicks in right when we arrive. [off Amy's look] What?
Amy: Nothing. It's cool. I'm not gonna tell anybody. I'm not a narc.
Rosa: All right, you can tell people.
Amy: Good, because I'm a narc.

Amy: Okay, now we're supposed to tell each other a secret no one else knows. I'll go first. I once had a sex dream about Sanjay Gupta.
Captain Holt: This is absurd.
Amy: I know. And it was really graphic.
Captain Holt: No, these exercises. We're not lovers. We're not even friends. We're coworkers. I'm tired of Terry's stupid book.
Sergeant Jeffords: [enters] Scully's book! [exits]

Amy: Ever since I came back, you've been acting distant. What happened to Raymy?
Captain Holt: Raymy?
Amy: Ray and Amy, Raymy. It's what people call us.
Captain Holt: I don't know a single person who's ever called us that.
Amy: Regardless, something is very wrong between us. You made small talk with me yesterday.
Captain Holt: Oh... you noticed that.
Amy: Of course I did. It was like a knife to my heart, which is why we have to do the exercises in this book. Please, sir? Please?
Captain Holt: If I agree, will you go back to work?
Amy: Absolutely.
Captain Holt: Fine. What's the next exercise?
Amy: It is... way too sexual.
Captain Holt: Wow.
Amy: We're gonna have to skip around a bit to make this appropriate for work.

Sergeant Jeffords: You okay? Your leg shake is rattling the windows out there.
Amy: I'm stressed. It's Captain Holt. You won't believe what he said to me.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Hello, Santiago. How's your lunch?
[present:]
Amy: Pretty bad, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: That he politely asked you about your lunch?
Amy: It was small talk. Captain Holt always says that true friends sit in silence. Small talk is for...
Both: Strangers and con men.
Amy: So I'm a stranger now. This is my big fear about having a child, losing my spark with my boss.

Captain Holt: To Sergeant Santiago.You were on maternity leave longer than expected because of the pandemic, but now that all first responders have been vaccinated, you've returned. Cheers.
All: Cheers.
Jake: Not exactly an emotional welcome back... Are you crying?
Amy: Oh, he just always knows exactly what to say.
Jake: She's consistent.