Amy: [bell dinging] Jake, oh, thank God we found you in time.
Jake: We?
Amy: Me and Rosa, duh.
Jake: Rosa's not with you.
Amy: Right. I lost her when she rode down the stairs to the subway. [laughing] It was so funny!
Jake: Okay, just shh, 'cause my guy is in there.
Amy: By the way, I really like that hat. You look like a little narc.
Jake: And you enjoy that?
Amy: Oh, yeah.

Captain Holt: [answers phone] This is Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, hello, Captain. It's Amy Santiag-ago.
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you drunk?
Amy: Oh, he thinks I'm drunk. What do I do?
Captain Holt: Uh, British accent.
Amy: Smart. That'll fool him. [Cockney accent] Yes, sir, quite drunk. Wankered, really.
Captain Holt: What did you learn? Did O'Sullivan set up Peralta?
Amy: No, he didn't. Me 'usband wasn't set up at all. 'e wasn't, but me big problem now is that me 'usband can't be reached by me telly.
Captain Holt: Please stop talking like that.
Amy: Okay.

Frank O'Sullivan: Now, what's going on?
Amy: You set up my husband! You're using him to blackmail me into dropping police reform. We're getting you drunk so you can admit it.
Frank O'Sullivan: I'm not blackmailing Jake. When I blackmail somebody, you'll know it. I own my blackmailing.
Amy: Then what did you mean when you said I'd be sorry if I didn't drop police reform?
Frank O'Sullivan: I was talking about taking your snacks.
Amy: Huh?
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, come on. Who do you think broke the vending machine that got Detective Flat Top all riled up, stole Detective Little Guy's candy shipment, and swapped out Sergeant Muscle Guy's candy for seasonal fruit?
Rosa: Your people.
Frank O'Sullivan: Bingo. And it's driving your guys crazy. Now, if your precinct would like to get their candy back. I'd be willing to negotiate.
Amy: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So when you told Jake you could get him out of his suspension, that wasn't blackmail?
Frank O'Sullivan: If I am passionate about one thing, it's getting cops off without punishment. How dare you turn that into something dirty? Shame on the both of you.

Frank O'Sullivan: Well, now, what the hell am I looking at?
Both: Nothing.
Rosa: Oops.
Amy: You're drunk, and you're seeing double.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, give me a break. You can't really think I'm that stupid.
Rosa: I mean, we've been switching places for the last two hours, and you didn't notice, so...
Frank O'Sullivan: That's 'cause I don't look at women's eyes when I'm talking to 'em.

Rosa: Okay. I'm calling Holt. This is a failure.
Amy: No, wait, wait. I have an idea.
Rosa: Oh, I bet it's great.
Amy: Okay, you know how guys like O'Sullivan, they think we all look the same, right? So you dress as Amy. You take my place. And, oh, my God! Is nine-drink Amy a genius?
Rosa: That's never gonna work. You just need to sober up and get back out there. Oh, you're on the floor.

Amy: And that is why Kristy and the Snobs is the best Baby-Sitters Club Book ever. Hey, we should go fly-fishing sometimes.
Rosa: That's never gonna happen. We need to sober you up and get you back out there. Coffee and carbs usually work, so here's what we're gonna to do. [slaps Amy]
Amy: Ow! Rosa! What about the carbs?
Rosa: That was a misdirection. Carbs never work. Slapping's the only way.
Amy: Oh, I think it worked. And I just want to say, what makes Kristy and the Snobs so good is the snobs. [Rosa slaps Amy again] Their names are Tiffany and Shannon, and they laugh at Louie even though he's going blind, which is so sad.

Amy: Okay, so here's the plan. O'Sullivan likes to do deals over drinks. So I invite him to Shaw's and order us a couple beers. I nod along as he talks about how surprisingly cool his mom is. Order more beers. I also nod along as he talks about how horrible his ex-wife is. Order more beers. I also nod along as he kind of implies he wishes his wife was his mom.
Frank O'Sullivan: Nobody spoons like my mom.
Amy: But I'm not the only one who's one listening. O'Sullivan's a blowhard, so he just needs a little push. Get him drunk enough, eventually he'll just come out and admit that he set Jake up. The plan is flawless.
[later:]
Amy: So there's one flaw with my plan.
Rosa: O'Sullivan isn't even buzzed, and you're totally hammered?
Amy: I'm so hammered!

Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, there she is, my archnemesis.
Amy: You're a cop, O'Sullivan. Shouldn't your archnemesis be a criminal?
Frank O'Sullivan: No.
Amy: Okay, what do you want?
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, I came here to reach a truce with you over your pilot program that persecutes the uniformed officers in my union.
Amy: Its aim is to reduce instances in which armed cops are needlessly interacting with civilians. It could save lives and restore trust with the community.
Frank O'Sullivan: That's persecution, plain and simple. But I don't want to fight with you. I'd rather be civilized and reach some common ground over a drink.
Amy: It's the middle of the day.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, that's how business gets done in the real world.
Amy: Look, I'm not changing the pilot program.
Frank O'Sullivan: Okay, have it your way, but I got to say, you're going to be sorry.
Amy: Are you threatening me?
Frank O'Sullivan: No, I'm informing you that I hold a lot of power, and unless you're willing to play ball with me, I will wield said power against you. Again, not a threat, but go ahead and change your mind, or else. All the best.

Amy: How'd it go here with Mac?
Jake: Fine. Mellow. He pulled himself up.
Amy: Wait, what? [gasps] That's huge! He's in the window! [chuckles] Why are you downplaying this?
Jake: Well, I just figured you would be bummed that you missed it.
Amy: Ugh, this sucks. You didn't get to arrest Franzia. I didn't get to see Mac pull up. I guess we really can't do it all.
Jake: I don't know. I mean, you got to do the work thing, and I got to do the parent thing. So... together... we did do it all.
Amy: Yeah, I guess you're right. It still totally sucks, though.
Jake: Yeah, I'm really bummed.
Amy: Yeah. I'm gonna get ready for bed.
Jake: Okay. You're gonna wake up Mac and see if he'll pull up, aren't you?
Amy: Obviously, he is not sleeping until he does it again.
Jake: All right, well, don't go without me, 'cause I want to see it.

Jake: Hey, how'd the presentation go?
Amy: Well, they just called, and... I won.
Jake: What?
Amy: I have authorization to start immediately.
Jake: Wait, you won? That's amazing. Why aren't you more excited? Why aren't you dork-dancing?
Amy: 'Cause you had to miss your thing, and I didn't want to rub it in. So I celebrated in the hallway before I walked in.

Sergeant Jeffords: How'd it go?
Amy: Good! They liked the thesis, and I was clear on the data. Just one problem... I realized halfway through that these sweatpants are from a bachelorette party I went to, and they say WAP on the butt. I told them it stands for "We All Police."

Amy: I look insane. What am I gonna do?
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, style over substance is clearly out, but if anyone can substance the crap out of this, it's Amy Santiago.
Amy: You're right, I can do this. Substance over style. [crashes] Mm! Come on, Amy.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, we got to talk. I just got a call from One Police Plaza. They said they were trying to reach you all morning.
Amy: Mac broke my phone. What do they want?
Sergeant Jeffords: They moved your presentation up. You're on in 20 minutes!
minutes?
Jake: Amy! We know where Franzia is. We're gonna go arrest him. I need you to take Mac.
Amy: No, you need to take Mac! I have to go right now.
Jake: So do I! What do we do?
Amy: I guess we could call that creepy babysitter you liked so much.
Jake: The babysitter is Franzia!
Amy: Even better! Two birds with one stone! We bring him to you!
Jake: We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!
Amy: Oh, grow up!
Jake: Come on!

Amy: My presentation is today, and I am not showing up in a shower cap. [sighs] What are we gonna do?
Jake: There's only one thing left to do. We're gonna blow-dry these sons of bitches straight to hell.
[later:]
Jake: Got to say, worked great. Although I guess my hair took it a little better than yours. And why the glasses?
Amy: Mac knocked my last contacts into the toilet while I was blow-drying.
Jake: Got to hand it to him, it's a solid prank. Although I must say, this look kind of works for you.
Amy: Jake, we don't have time for your nerd fetish. We are so late.

Amy: Ugh, damn it. None of our regular babysitters are available. And my parents are out of town, and my brother David can't help because he's in Sudan digging wells for somebody or something... I don't know, I hung up on him.
Jake: My dad's out, too. That's all he said, didn't give a reason.