Jake: What is happening?
Charles: I got to do this or the bullet holes in my butt stiffen up.
Jake: No talking about your butt holes.

Charles: Ugh, that's a yes. And you had sex. I can tell because you're glowing. Ugh, Jake, nobody wants to hear about your sex life.
Jake: You just asked me repeatedly.
Charles: Because I was rooting for you and Amy, but now I can see that you're super serious about this anonymous gym seductress. I'm so sorry, Amy.

Charles: Amy was the gym floozie. The gym floozie was under my nose the whole time!

Charles: Gertie! There's only one option for me: Burn my face off with acid and disappear forever.

Charles: Ho, ho, ho, Jake. Special delivery from Santa's elf. Merry Christmas. "Heart Attack Soda"
Jake: Holy crap. I love this stuff. You know, technically it's just carbonated fudge.
Charles: I know.
Jake: I thought they banned it.
Charles: Not in Syria. They use it to induce labor in goats.

Charles: Greek? I don't trust the way the Greeks dance.
Jake: No one does.

Jake: But wait, Charles, I thought you were sterile. I distinctly remember you using the phrase-
Charles: Shooting dust.
Jake: Yes, thank you for not making me say it.

Jake: Charles, Charles! Your ex-wife is here.
Charles: Eleanor? The destroyer of worlds?

Charles: Why?
Jake: Maybe it's nothing bad. Maybe some of your mail got sent to her house.
Charles: Oh, God, I hope not. If that happened, she would be livid.
Jake: Oh, well, just don't assume the worst. That's all I'm saying.
Charles: Then why did you bring up the mail thing?

Jake: All right, Charles, I know that you're freaking out and you think you're never gonna be a father, but don't worry; There's no way I'm gonna let Eleanor do anything to your precious-
Charles: Boyle oil?
Jake: Ugh, all right, I'm out. She can do what she wants.
Charles: No, no, no, no, no. We'll just call them hostages.

Jake: All right, fine, let's get to work. Here's what we know about Eleanor.
Charles: Oh, my wedding day. I should've known it was a mistake when she said, "I suppose," instead of, "I do." Yowch, all right.

Jake: All right, look, we need some sort of bargaining chip.
Is there anything you got in the divorce that she wanted?
Charles: Yes, Abigail.
Jake: I'm gonna just assume Abigail's something super weird.
Charles: Nope. She was our hairdresser.
Jake: Ah.
Charles: It was awkward for her to see both of us, so she made us choose. I mean, I couldn't get rid of her. She's the only stylist in New York that can do this.

Jake: Charles, what are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry, but I don't have a choice, Jake. I'm gonna go bully an old priest so I can get my sperms back.
Jake: He's a priest?
Charles: Yeah, I looked him up.
He's a priest, a 90-year-old priest.

Jake: Charles, I know you're mad, but you have to talk to me.
Charles: It's funny how getting tased in the back can break your heart and also really hurt your back.

Eleanor: What do you want, Chunk?
Charles: To let you know you can keep my sperm. I don't need it. I'm in love and I'm going to be a dad, and there's nothing you could do to stop me. So good-bye forever. Oh, and one more thing tell Hercules I'll see him at spin class on Sunday. Now good-bye!