Charles: You just need to go to your happy place.
Rosa: What's that? Sounds stupid.
Charles: Well, everyone's happy place is different. For me, I just imagine I'm slurping up the world's longest piece of linguine. It just keeps going and going, and every twenty feet of noodle, there's a sauce change.

Gina: You tried both pies, you know mine is better. But you're scared to tell Rosa because you're into her.
Charles: What? That is not true. Okay. I don't even like food.
Gina: What?
Charles: Who's Rosa? You're the scared one!

Charles: What are you doing? Holt said you didn't have to come in. You don't even come in on days you have to work.

Charles: You just graduated pie school, bitches.
Sorry I said bitches, I'm just really worked up.

Charles: What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair dryer? Little trick I learned in gift basket making class.

The Vulture: You know, before I solve this case, I'd like to thank you for doing all the super-easy work, you know, the real Nancy Drew-level stuff.
Jake: Did Nancy Drew solve a lot of murders?
Charles: Yep, she did. Murder on Ice, Recipe for Murder. Nancy was a wonderful detective. I wanted to be her when I grew up.
Jake: Thanks, Charles. That's helpful.

Charles: You talking oldest bags? Sixty-eight.
Amy: That's not that old.
Charles: No, but I was only twenty.
Jake: Were you even a cop then?
Charles: No, man. It was before I got into the academy.
Rosa: Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
Everybody: Ew!

Jake: God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your twenties?
Charles: You know how it is. When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-
Jake: No, that is not an older woman. That's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
Charles: She was, actually. That's how I met her. Went to college with her grandson Marvin. Don't don't knock it till you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer.
Jake: No. That is no one's fantasy.

Jake: Somebody's going to have to go down there. Someone with narrow shoulders.
Charles: No, I have broad shoulders. I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders.

Sergeant Jeffords: Where are we on the Lincoln place murder?
Jake: Well, like I told Captain Holt earlier this week, we are at the one-yard line. It's a football reference.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, Jake. I played linebacker at Syracuse.
Charles: Really? In High School, I played center field in the musical damn Yankees.
Jake: Yeah, you don't want to brag about that.

Jake: Okay, fine. I will let one of you help me Charles.
Charles: Yeah!
Jake: And I am choosing Charles because he's the least likely to steal my thunder.
Charles: I would never steal his thunder. I-I'd be afraid to borrow it.

Jake: Okay, I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan. Best idea gets 50 bucks. Throw 'em on out.
Charles: What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead? Like, they died of cancer.
Jake: Charles, that is so dark. I'm putting it down.

Jake: Here's what we're up to. Steal his kidney, burn down his house, replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues. Thank you, Charles.
Charles: You're welcome.
Jake: Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet. Note, he would have to own a cedar closet.
Rosa: He seems like he would.
Jake: Sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave. Thank you, Charles. Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down. Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, Charles' motorcycle idea is the winner.
Charles: Yeah! Winning by default.

Jake: I say we role-play, see if something sparks. Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner. Perhaps we should have one more drink before bed.
Charles: [high-pitched voice] Don't you "darling" me, you philanderer.
Jake: No, you're the husband. The husband had the affair.
Charles: I'm always the victim. I don't want to be the victim.
Jake: Okay, Charles is the door.
Charles: No. I'll be the victim. Don't make me a door again.

Jake: [o.s.] Boyle, we're pulling you out!
Charles: [after falling down the trash chute] This is the proudest moment of my career. [hit on the head by a trash bag]