Sergeant Jeffords: Gina! We've been looking all over for you. You can't just disappear and leave a sign on your desk that says "Gone leavin".

Captain Holt: Maybe your twins would like some little furry friends?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry, sir, but that's impossible. With the twins learning how to walk, chaos reigns at the Jeffords household. I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse. Terry won't do you like that.

Psychologist: Okay, let's switch gears. Do a little word association. What do you think of when I say the word "bottle"?.
Sergeant Jeffords: Liquor store. Hold up. Gun. Die.
Psychologist: How about "grass"?
Sergeant Jeffords: Marijuana. Drugs. Gun. Die.
Psychologist: Cat.
Sergeant Jeffords: Kitten. Cute. Calm. False sense of security. Gun. Die!

Sergeant Jeffords: Everything's spoiled. My lunch is ruined. My chicken, my potatoes, pasta, my meatballs, ham, my yogurt.
Charles: Wow, that's a lot of yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: I love yogurt.

Charles: So this is your lunch for, like, the month?
Sergeant Jeffords: I need to eat 10,000 calories a day to maintain muscle mass. My wife made me all of this before she left town with the kids. That was everything in my fridge.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully.
Scully: Heya, sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know you gotten a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
Scully: Oh no.
Sergeant Jeffords: Where is it?
Scully: Oh, I don't.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is it in your pockets?
Scully: No, come on.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm gonna shake it out of your pockets.

Sergeant Jeffords: Release your sweets!

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Excuse me. Can we please eat? My body is starting to digest itself. Terry needs nutrients!

Sergeant Jeffords: Urgh, what's in these?
Amy: Potatoes, butter, a little milk. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders. Of course they're interchangeable.
Amy: Yeah.

Sergeant Jeffords: I ate one stringbean. It tasted like fish vomit. That was it for me.

Cory: It was like taking candy from a baby.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don't give candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth!

Jake: Let's see. Sergeant Jeffords searched "undiscovered muscle".
Sergeant Jeffords: I was working out and I saw a muscle in my shoulder I'd never seen before. I thought it might have been a scientific discovery.

Sergeant Jeffords: And always make good eye contact.
Charles: But don't stare at people.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, you gotta blink.
Charles: But don't blink too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or too fast.
Charles: I think the bigger worry is slow blinks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't blink too fast or slow or too much or too little.

Rosa: Is that a nightgown?
Sergeant Jeffords: That's mine. It's a T-shirt from my fat phase.
Jake: "If at first you don't secede, try try again."
Sergeant Jeffords: You're that big, you buy anything that fits. A lot of fat guy clothes have racist overtones.

Sergeant Jeffords: I ended up doing twenty-five minutes of sleep chin-ups of muscle memory alone. Tired Terry still gets after it. That's all I'm saying.