Charles: How long were we asleep?
Sergeant Jeffords: Just long enough for me to squeeze in a quick work out. So like three hours.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm a detective. I will detect.

Captain Holt: Still waiting, sergeant.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just, the target looks exactly like a friend of mine. It's freaking me out.
Captain Holt: You have a friend, who's just a silhouette?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes!

Jake: Before you get mad-
Sergeant Jeffords: Shut it! Holt was right. I've been so worried about my own kids, I forgot about my stupid grown-up kids.
Jake: That's insulting.
Sergeant Jeffords: I should've been on you guys more. And starting now, I will be. But if you ever do this again, I swear I will crush your head in one hand.
Jake: You don't mean that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Try me.

Amy: Hey, sergeant, you know how you're really good at doodling?
Sergeant Jeffords: I know you think you're complimenting me, but calling them doodles is an insult. You a big fan of Picasso's doodles?

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Let's start with the eyes. Were they desperate, lonely? Did they betray heartache?
Victim: They were brown.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do you even want your purse back?

Amy: Sarge, all of these are fine. How much longer are you gonna work on this?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's questions like that that made Van Gogh cut off his ear.
You can't put at a clock on art.
Ten minutes.

Scully: You could be a professional artist, boss. Like on the boardwalk.
Sergeant Jeffords: You think I should draw caricatures? That's garbage art. I don't draw giant-head people on surfboards.
Scully: I'm saying you could. You're that good.

Sergeant Jeffords: This is a lot of pressure. If I'm going to do this, it has to be done right.
Scully, get me my oils.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, this screw has three pointy sides, and nowhere to screw it in! And there's wheels. What kind of castle has wheels?!

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Sergeant Jeffords: Where do I affix the Princess Tower, Boyle? Where do I affix it?!
Charles: By the side of the turret-
Sergeant Jeffords: Not now, Boyle. Let a brother breathe. Let a brother breathe.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm a man with man-hands and a man-brain. I should be able to put together a doll house in less than four hours.

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: Let you play your mixtape? Get an iPod, man! Mixtape.