Jake: Look, John Kelly has to be stopped. He's spying on civilians. It's unconstitutional and it's wrong.
Captain Holt: Please. Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
The Vulture: I'll help.
Jake: See, sir? There is good in every person.
The Vulture: But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Jake: Why would you want that to be known?
The Vulture: 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room. Like that?
The Vulture: Yeah, it's awesome.

The Vulture: All right, look. I'm deleting the app from my phone as we speak, okay? Come on. Jean's over 30. No amount of money in the entire world could make me marry a woman that old. But love can.

The Vulture: You're Valerie? Ah, I can't believe I actually wasted my sweet dong snaps on you bozos.

Jake: I can't believe a real person has agreed to marry you.
The Vulture: Oh, my lady's real, all right. Her name is Jean Munhroe, and we complete the living hell out of each other sometimes twice a night.

The Vulture: Hey, you know what? I need to handle this right now. Look, I know how hard it is to find a venue. But if it could happen for me, it could happen for you.
Jake: It happened for you because it did happen for us.
The Vulture: Chins up, dingdongs. I'm trying to be happy over here.

The Vulture: Look, I know I've become that gross, sappy guy, but dude, she's the first chick I ever wanted to hang out with post-bang.

Amy: Really? You once told me that marriage is for women and gays.
Jake: And that the only thing you're married to is banging married chicks.
The Vulture: Yeah, and I meant it all. But love? Love hath changed me.
Jake: No it hathn't. You just vultured our venue.
The Vulture: Yeah, but I did it for love. My fiance, she means everything to me.
You know, she's hot like a chick, she's smart like a guy. Just talking to her gives me a Harrelson.
Amy: Harrelson?
Jake: Woody.
Amy: Ew.

Jake: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What's your game here, Vulture, huh? Why are you renting our venue?
The Vulture: Why do you think, meat farts? I'm getting married.

Madeline Wuntch: And after all your so-called detective work, you didn't even get the right guy.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-
Captain Holt: It was an error, but-
Madeline Wuntch: Do not interrupt me.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
Seven times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.
The Vulture: Same goes for you, Peralta. Except for the juicy ass part, because your ass is stupid.

Amy: So no passed hors d'oeuvres?
The Vulture: I can't even answer that.
All right, tough guy. What do you got planned?
Rosa: I don't know. Meet at a bar and ... drink there.
The Vulture: That's it? Well, it's still better than Santiago's.
Look, this is real important to me, all right? My brother's hot wife is gonna be there, and I haven't seen her since his funeral.
Amy: Wow.
The Vulture: Yeah, right? I mean, you only get one shot at your brother's widow.

Amy: Well, I was thinking a DJ, two signature cocktails, passed hors d'oeuvres-
The Vulture: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Passed hors d'oeuvres? What is this, a fundraiser for French dorks?

The Vulture: Ah, there you are.
I got something real special for the two of you.
Amy: Great, what do you got?
The Vulture: A month from today it's my birthday. I need you to throw me a party, all right? Make it epic. Surprise me.
Amy: Are you asking us to plan you a birthday party?
The Vulture: Yeah, Helen Keller.
Pay attention.
Rosa: Did you choose us because we're women?
The Vulture: Women love planning parties. It's in the Bible.

The Vulture: Was that the sound of a juicy file I heard plopping down on Peralta's desk? Yeah, it was. You just lost your overtime privileges for the month. Everybody, listen up. Anyone caught working on a case that I didn't assign loses their overtime. Capooch?

The Vulture: Congratulations. You just called yourself wieners. Dismissed.

The Vulture: All right, ladies. I don't have a lot of time here, so what's say you act like Boyle's mom and debrief me?