Captain Holt: Diaz, Santiago, settle a little tiff that Kevin and I are having.
Kevin: Let's be honest, Raymond, it's not a tiff, it's a row.
Captain Holt: And now it's a scene.

Captain Holt: The Full Bullpen!

Rosa: Come on, sir, the math thing isn't the problem. Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
Amy: [chuckles nervously]
Captain Holt: What did you say?
Amy: Don't say it again.
Rosa: I said you two need to bone.
Amy: [whimpers]
Captain Holt: How dare you, Detective Diaz. I am your superior officer! [shouting, five minutes later] Bone! [sternly, ten minutes later] What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business. [shouting, twenty-one minutes later] Bone?! [calmly, forty minutes later] Don't ever speak to me like that again.

Captain Holt: It's the "Monty Hall problem." Imagine you're on a game show. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car.
Kevin: You're telling it wrong. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car. You pick a door. The host, who knows where the car is, opens a different door, showing you there's nothing behind it. Now the host asks if you'd like to choose the other unopened door. Should you do it?
Captain Holt: No.
Kevin: Yes.
Both: It's simple math.
Captain Holt: It doesn't make any sense to switch. The prize is behind one of two doors. It's a 50/50 chance either way.
Kevin: It's 2/3 if you switch, 1/3 if you don't. The probability locks in when you make the choice. We've been over this eight times.
Captain Holt: Seven times. Now you can't even do simple addition.
Amy: Kevin is right.
Captain Holt: Hmm. You're fired.
Amy: What?
Rosa: Ah!

Captain Holt: Probability doesn't kick in. Do I have to teach you college level statistics?
Kevin: I don't know, do I have to teach you high school statistics?
Captain Holt: Do I have to teach you eighth grade statistics?
Kevin: Do I have to teach you seventh grade statistics?
Captain Holt: Do I have to teach you-
[present:]
Captain Holt: Now, if you'll excuse me, detectives, I need to leave him a snide voicemail about kindergarten statistics.

Amy: Oh, Captain, I know you don't want to talk about Monty Hall, but I did contact a math professor-
Captain Holt: No need, Santiago. It's all good.
Amy: So the fight with Kevin is over?
Captain Holt: Yep.
Amy: Because you understand the math now?
Captain Holt: Nope.
Rosa: Because you guys-
Captain Holt: Yep.
Rosa: Knew it. See, what happened is, your dads had sex-
Amy: Okay, Rosa.

Kevin: Raymond and I had dinner together last night for the first time in two weeks, thanks to the night shift.
Captain Holt: And Kevin thought it would be fun to spoil our date with an inane math problem, to which his answer is wrong.
Amy: Enough foreplay, let's get to the numbers.

Amy: Okay, we have got to explain this thing to Captain Holt to save their relationship. And you laughed at me when I went to that weekend-long math conference.
Rosa: 'Cause you called it "funky cats and their feisty stats".
Amy: That was the name! It was so cool.
Rosa: It was not.

Rosa: Anyway, it's not about the math. They haven't seen each other because of the night shift. They just need to bone.
Amy: What? Gross! Rosa, those are our dads! I mean ... [chuckles] ... That's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.
Rosa: Wow.
Amy: Never mind, I'm teaching father the math! Whatever, Rosa.

Jake: All the death threats were sent from New York, so the perp is local. They'll probably try and strike at the book reading tomorrow night.
Sergeant Jeffords: And he's probably camped out on the street with the other fan boys. They've been lined up for three days.
Jake: To listen to an old man read a story? I will never understand this world.
Sergeant Jeffords: You once took a train to Toronto to get a Canadian VHS copy of Die Hard.
Jake: There was a rumor it was better sound quality. Get a grip, Terry.

Captain Holt: Is everything okay, Santiago?
Amy: No, I lost my ring.
Captain Holt: Did you see where it went?
Amy: Actually it's behind one of these three doors. Why don't you pick one?
Captain Holt: Are you trying to Monty Hall me? It's unbelievable. I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place of work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life.

Rosa: It's okay, sir, we don't want to get involved in your personal life.
Captain Holt: It's not personal.
Kevin: It's a math problem.
Rosa: Pass.
Amy: Oh, Mama.

Rosa: So why are the Nine-Five on the news?
Jake: They're investigating death threats against some author named DC Parlov, as if anyone knows who the hell that is.
Sergeant Jeffords: DC Parlov? Did you say DC Parlov?
Jake: What is happening?
Sergeant Jeffords: DC Parlov is the most influential author of our time. "The Skyfire Cycle!" 12 books chronicling the war between sky and sand, clouds and rocks, the Sepsidians and-
Charles: Oh, so it's like a "Game of Thrones" type thing?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, "Game of Thrones" is a "Skyfire" type thing! Get your head out of your ass!

Gina: Why are you smiling? I don't get it. I won.
Charles: Did you? You were so busy trying to beat the Boyles, you became one. You learned about our likes and dislikes, our allergies and our phobias. You even bought cousin Sherman a scrunchy for his ponytail.
Gina: Yeah, so I could win.
Charles: And you did win ... a plot in the family cemetery. All of us together lying in a grave for eternity!
Gina: "Grave" singular? Charles, "grave" singular?

Jake: Look, Sarge, I understand what it's like to have a hero who doesn't act the way you want him to.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not gonna be about Patrick Ewing again, is it?
Jake: No, and it's not about John Starks, either, who I also pantsed.
Sergeant Jeffords: How many Knicks have you pantsed?
Jake: Including coaches, five, but that's not the point.

Jake: The hero I was talking about is you. You're a great cop and dad and husband and boss. And also, you always smell just a little bit like vanilla.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's my soap. I got it at Lush.
Jake: You're who I want to be when I grow up, Terry. And you should know that some dumb inscription in some stupid book isn't what made you who you are. And it bums me out that you can't see that. Now, I'm gonna go get this bad guy, because that's what you taught me to do.
Also what was the name of the soap store again? Forget it. I'll just look it up online.

Sergeant Jeffords: I can't believe they're waxing the floors and we're all stuck in here. I've never seen them do this before.
Amy: They do it once a month. We've just never been on the night shift.
Gina: I know. It's like we're being punished.
Rosa: We are, for going to Florida.
Gina: Oh. I don't listen to so much stuff you all say.

Jake: To be honest, Terry, I'm feeling a little lame out here. I mean, you got this cool sword, and I'm wearing what, a potato sack?
Sergeant Jeffords: You're my noble squire. You should be thankful for that burlap, it's hiding your terrible failed castration.
Jake: Oh, my God, I hate these books.

Gina: It was almost too easy. I'm like the Temple Grandin of herding Boyles.

Jake: Halitosis Frodo's got to be our guy, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah. "A message in blood" is a reference to book one.
Page 843. After Wendivil betrayed Prince Clevang, murdered him, and used his blood to write letters to his children.
Jake: Do you talk about this stuff with Sharon?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. She hates it.
Jake: Yeah, makes sense.

Sergeant Jeffords: You pantsing Patrick Ewing has nothing to do with this.
Jake: It doesn't? Oh, my God, why did I share that story?

Sergeant Jeffords: There is no way Parlov sent himself that death threat. Look, we are gonna go to his hotel, we're gonna talk to him, and he'll have an explanation.
Jake: Whatever you need.
Sergeant Jeffords: Screw you, Peralta! I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna disagree. Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me.

Charles: In conclusion, Boyles are nothing if not loyal. Loyal to our favorite brand of peanut butter, Mr. Nuts. Loyal to each other and loyal to Iowa. I love you.

Charles: The council of the cousins.
Gina: Look at them. It's like a Beige of Pigs.
Charles: Gina, you seem rattled. You don't normally make puns.
Gina: That's a pun? On what?

Gina: Listen, Charles, I'm gonna sway the council. So give up now unless you enjoy being humiliated in front of your family.
Charles: Oh, you think I'd be embarrassed in front of them? In front of Don Boyle? I changed his diapers. And I'm about to change yours.
Gina: Ugh.

Charles: Hello, cousins. Bobby, Brendan, Bill, Bernard, boy Corey, girl Corey.
Papa Boyle once said: "Stay in the middle. That's where it's safe.That's where we thrive." That's Iowa.

Jake: Hey, good news. I found the address of Parlov's old assistant. I'm gonna go over there and question him. You want to come? Maybe he won't open the door and you'll have to kick it down. That always cheers you up.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't feel like kicking down doors.
Jake: What about running really fast through a wall, leaving a perfect outline of your body?
Sergeant Jeffords: Like a cartoon?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I'm just gonna sit here and think about how the words I lived by my entire life are a big fat lie.

Jake: Nice work, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: You were right. Who cares about Parlov? We write our own stories. So welcome to the Terry Chronicles. Book One: The Arrest of Edmund Grail.
Jake: Followed by Book Two: The Ravishing of Sharon. I am so sorry. I'm just pumped that you showed up.

Jake: The handwriting in the death threats matches perfectly with the inscription you wrote to Terry.
D.C. Parlov: Yeah, tell you the truth, I didn't actually write this inscription myself.
Both: What?
D.C. Parlov: Come on, you guys, grow up. You think I have time to answer each letter I get from every sad little fat kid that writes me? Come on. That's why I've got assistants, precisely for that sort of crap.

Gina: I'm Gina Linetti, and I approve this message.

Sergeant Jeffords: And listen to the inscription he wrote. "Terry, you do have friends."
Jake: Oh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: "You have me. Never forget that in this life, we write our own stories. Parlov." And that's what happened. Little Terry wrote his own story.
Jake: Yeah, Little Terry got buff-a!
Sergeant Jeffords: Little Terry got emotionally healthy.
Jake: Yeah, and ja-a-acked.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know what? He did get jacked. Way to go, Little Terry. Big pecs coming through!

Gina: Boyle, can we please just go to a resort where I don't have to see your family? There's a great one in Aruba.
Charles: Aruba? [laughs] Boyles don't do beaches. We're not swimmers. We're burrowers.

Gina: Yes, I know, you're all earthworms, but, Charles, even nature's most disgusting creatures deserve pleasure.

Charles: Sorry, the cousins voted and it was unanimous. We're going to Iowa. We've already rented the tent.
Gina: "Tent" singular? Charles, "tent" singular?

Gina: I need to talk top you about this Boyle family vacation that my mom's forcing me to go on. Why is it in Butt Thumb, Iowa?
Charles: No, it's pronounced "Beaut-Hume," And Iowa is the ancestral homeland of the Boyle clan. I am so excited for you to get to know all of the cousins.
Watch out for Sherman. He's left a trail of broken hearts longer than his ponytail.

Jake: Hey, Sarge, great news. The guys at the Nine-Five gave us the DC Parlov case. No big deal, you don't have to thank me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Give it back.
Jake: You're welcome. Wait, what?
Sergeant Jeffords: This is a bad idea, Jake. I don't want to meet him.
Jake: Oh, I see. You're nervous to meet your hero. Look, I get it. One time I saw Patrick Ewing at a deli, and I was so scared I almost left, but I stayed.
I worked up my courage, I walked over to him and I introduced myself, and you know what he said to me? "Hey."
Sergeant Jeffords: That's it?
Jake: It's Patrick Ewing, he's busy!

Jake: I'm going to get us that case. Terry's gonna meet his hero.
Scully: Oh, no, never meet your heroes. [whispering] Marie Callender was a real bitch.

D.C. Parlov: Qwandor is not a sexual being.
Sergeant Jeffords: For she is the ender of bloodlines. All mortals tremble before her wrath.
D.C. Parlov: "Skyfire" fan?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I'm more than a fan. Whoever wrote this has got nothing on me.
Jake: Uh, he's not a killer.

Gina: Turns out Sam here also thinks we should go to Aruba.
Sam: I know it sounds crazy, but the Caribbean might be more fun than Iowa.
Charles: In what universe?

Sergeant Jeffords: I was overweight and lonely, and I wrote DC Parlov for advice, and he sent me this!
Rosa: I hope it's not a severed head.
Sergeant Jeffords: "The Skyfire Cycle: Sand Into Glass: The Reckoning of Ka'Lar." Man, that is a long book. Is the rest of it just more of the title?

Charles: Sorry, vote's in. 13-2, Iowa.
Gina: For now, but I have a whole day of Boyle cousins scheduled, starting with Bobby Boyle at 3:00 for afternoon eggs.
Charles: You think you can pick us off one-by-one?
Gina: Yeah.
Charles: Well, you can. Boyles are very weak as individuals. But, together, we're unbreakable. I'm calling a council of the cousins!

Sergeant Jeffords: When I was a little kid, I spent hours reading those books.
[cut to Terry as a kid]
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa. Little Terry did not see that coming.

Jake: Those chuckleheads from the Nine-Five are getting all cocky just 'cause they're on TV. Uh, we've all been on the local news, fellas.
Rosa: Okay. Which case of yours was on the news?
Jake: Well, it wasn't exactly a case.
[cut to a 1998 local news segment]
Jake: Ska defines who I am as a person, and I will never turn my back on ska. Hup! [ska music playing]
[present day]
Jake: Looking back, I have no regrets.
Rosa: You should.
Jake: Yup.

Jake: Parlov is in town for a reading of his new book, "The Skyfire Cycle: A Bridge to Jarcata.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ah, ah. It's actually pronounced "Jarca-a." All the Ts in "Skyfire" are silent.
Jake: This book sounds impossible to read.
Sergeant Jeffords: [laughs] I know, right?

Amy: Good evening, sir.
Captain Holt: No, it's not. I haven't slept, because I've been going over that stupid problem. Now I finally understand Kevin's side.
Rosa: Cool, so it's all better and I never have to hear about math again?
Captain Holt: Quite the opposite. I know better than ever how incorrect he is.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sign our petition to make Qwandor the dragon a male!
Jake: There are already enough girl characters. We don't need a third!

Sam: Well, it was a real hard decision, but ultimately we decided the Boyles are going to Aruba!
Gina: All right, Sam, well, I'm happy to hear that. I think the sun's gonna be really good for everyone's psoriasis.

Jake: Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you. You look out there and see a problem. I look out there and see an opportunity. I'm gonna slide on that slippery floor all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.
Rosa: You're going to do the FBP?
Jake: That's right, Rosa. I'm doing The Full Bullpen!

D.C. Parlov: Fine. I have a little bit of research to attend to myself, if you understand what I'm talking about.
Jake: Enjoy having sex with three gorgeous women in cosplay. ... Well, that went terribly.

D.C. Parlov: The man you're looking for, he's my ex-assistant. His name is Edmund Grail. The guy hates me. I slept with his wife, so naturally, I had to fire him.
Jake: Yeah, that's a cool story.
D.C. Parlov: After that, I got sort of involved with his sister. It was kind of hot-
Sergeant Jeffords: Please stop talking.

D.C. Parlov: Look, I'm sorry, I'm a little busy right now. I've some female companions over, you know.
Jake: Oh, really? What are they, like, some nerdy sci-fi fans, or- Good Lord! I don't know what I'm looking at.
Sergeant Jeffords: I told you, man, he pulls. He Pu-u-ulls.
Jake: Okay, stop saying "pulls".

Gina: Y'all know I got y'all aqua socks! Oh! Size 7s for everybody.

Charles: Do we really wanna go where "Pirates of the Caribbean" took place?
Gina: Yes! [cheers and applause]
Charles: No! That movie gave us nightmares for months!

Gina: Charles will tell you believe that Aruba isn't for the Boyles, but picture this: one long banana boat with the 15 of us on it, holding each other by the waist, having the time of our damn lives.

Jake: Anyway, tell us about these death threats you've been getting. Any idea who might be sending them?
D.C. Parlov: Well, I'm pretty sure that it had to be a fan. I've had a little bit of a backlash from some of my younger male readers ever since I revealed the fact that Qwandor the dragon is actually a female.
Jake: I would think teen boys would love a lady dragon. Did you give her big, scaly boobs or - I don't know, you're the writer.

Amy: Why did you do that?
Rosa: Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.

Jake: Tell him about the inscription.
Sergeant Jeffords: You probably don't remember, but 30 years ago, I wrote you a letter telling you how lonely and sad I was, and you sent me a book with the inscription, "We all write our own stories," and it changed my life.
D.C. Parlov: I do remember you.
Sergeant Jeffords: You do?
D.C. Parlov: I do indeed, and I'm delighted you made something of yourself. As the Cloud Rock says-
Both: "You found yourself in your struggle."
Jake: Wow.
Both: "The truth is what you came for, and you found it within your strife."
Jake: Well, that was cool.
Both: "Be brave for Tolgan."
Jake: There's more.
Both: "Tolgan the last, Tolgan the first, Tolgan."
Jake: "Tolgan." Is it over?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. This is the best day of my life.
Jake: You have three kids, Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: I said what I said!
Jake: All right.

Gina: I'd tell you to pack sunscreen, but Mm, looks like you already got burned.
Charles: Uh-oh, did I? 'Cause my skin still tastes pretty raw.
Gina: Ew.

Jake: And that is a perfect match.
Sergeant Jeffords: This is crazy. Why would Parlov send himself a death threat?
Jake: For publicity? I mean, he was on TV. His book is on the best-seller list for the first time in years.
Sergeant Jeffords: Parlov doesn't need any help. He's already famous, rich. He's got more babes than he can handle.
Jake: Come on, that guy? Now you're just lying to prove a point.
Sergeant Jeffords: He pulls, Jake. He pulls.
Jake: Ugh.

Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, This writing doesn't match up. I'm gonna send it to the lab anyway.
Jake: Yeah, I don't think that's necessary.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why not?
Jake: Because I just found a perfect match. Parlov wrote the death threats. He sent them to himself.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry did not see that coming.

Kurt: Are you the guys passing out the Qwandor petition?
Jake: Yup, that's us. Dragons have dongs.
Kurt: You bet they do. And this isn't about sexism. I mean, it's just that women aren't strong enough to be dragons. Now, handeth me yon "petish".
Jake: Okay. "Petish" handeth yon.