Charles: Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?
Rosa: What?
Charles: That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.
Rosa: You just said you called it going streaking.
Charles: It had a couple names.

Charles: Okay, we can't get out until Monday afternoon, at the earliest.
Jake: I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded. I even told them that Scully was a Make-a-Wish kid with a rare disease that makes him look like a giant old baby.
Rosa: Did you call it Scullyosis?
Jake: Damn it, Rosa, that's really good and completely useless to me now.

Jake: You might wanna stand back for this, sir. It can get pretty intense.
Amy: [YELLING] All right, you mooks, our union health plan has 100% reimbursement for out-of-state ambulance rides. Scully will fake a medical emergency.
Scully: Don't need to fake it. Always having at least one.
Amy: Great. You call an ambulance and have it take us here to Monroe, Louisiana. The ambulance can drive 25 miles over the posted speed limit, so we'll get there by 9:00 p.m. There's a small airport there, mostly servicing crop dusters. Of course, they can't take passengers, but thanks to a loophole in H.R. 377551, police officers are allowed to commandeer any plane in the interest of national security. The crop duster will land at an airstrip outside of Finksburg, Maryland. We'll take a cab to Baltimore, jump on the 6:48 a.m. train to New York, arriving at 9:26. Kevin will meet us at Penn Station with a fresh Captain's uniform. From there, it's a 29-minute cab ride to One Police Plaza. You change on the way, and we should get to your meeting with five minutes to spare. Stop clapping, you idiots! We gotta move, move, move!
Jake: I love her.

Jake: Sir, with all due respect, the first thing that you taught me when you came to the Nine-Nine is that we're a team, so your responsibility is my responsibility too.
Rosa: And mine.
Sergeant Jeffords: And mine.
Amy: And mine.
Charles: And mine.
Scully: And mine.
Hitchcock: Six people seems like a lot. I mean, at some point, it's just too many cooks. And mine.

Chief Aggerton: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Oh, Chief Aggerton. I didn't realize you'd be flying out for this.
Chief Aggerton: I liked McGintley. He was fun to have a beer with. There's nobody in this department I wanna have a beer with anymore.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's the problem with the NYPD.

Jake: What's going on is Captain Holt has an interview to become the Commissioner of the freakin' NYPD, and he's gonna nail it and fulfill his destiny as Lord High Commander of all Justice.

Jake: Can't sleep either, huh? This cow screaming is so loud.
Captain Holt: So loud.
Jake: Is it a pleasure sound or pain? Maybe they're into both?
Captain Holt: I hear they're into leather.
Jake: Was that a joke?
Captain Holt: Gallows humor. Being in this bovine brothel is truly a nightmare.

Sergeant Jeffords: Let's do this. I can't wait to get on a plane. I used up my miles, and upgraded first class.
Rosa: Damn, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: This is gonna be great. Sipping on a mimosa, snacking on a hummus trio, watching "Bridget Jones's Baby."

Jake: Oh, my God. Did you blow up the Creeper?
Captain Holt: Not on purpose. Once I realized your revolting cheese puffs were made with some extremely unstable chemicals, I deposited a few in the gas tank.
I thought they'd shut the engine down. I didn't realize they'd ignite it. You really shouldn't eat those, Peralta.

Jake: Hey, I'm sorry that things didn't work out. I know you always hoped that you'd be Commissioner.
Captain Holt: No. Over the course of my career, I've learned that it's best not to have hopes.
Jake: Sir, that is so sad. That's like saying it's best not to have dreams.
Captain Holt: I only have one dream a year, always on Tax Day. In it, I must file an extension. So, yes, it is best not to have dreams.

Jake: Dallas? What the hell? We were supposed to be in Louisiana by now. We've been averaging 50 for 21 hours. Unless - Damn it! The speedometer's broken. No wonder everyone was flipping us off. I thought it was just racism.
Captain Holt: Well, I'm sure it didn't help.
Jake: Yeah.

Jake: Look, we've been busting our asses the whole weekend to try and get you back to New York in time, and for what? Is it all just a lie? Is there even a Commissioners meeting. Are you even Captain Holt? Do you even have a dog named Cheddar?
Captain Holt: There's a Commissioners meeting, and I do have a dog named Cheddar.

Rosa: I'm already seeing somebody, Boyle.
Charles: Oh, and just like that, things got interesting.
Rosa: And just like that, I left.

Rosa: Also, now we go back to never talking about my love life again.
Charles: Uh, request denied. Is her name Anne? Meredith? Kim? Erica? Moana?

Scully: Oh, I'd like to see an increase in vacation days.
Hitchcock: And we should all get summers off like teachers. Let the city go to purge.

Jake: Oh, GPS says turn left here. Turn left.
Captain Holt: No, this route is more direct.
Jake: Oh, okay. You do you, Commish.
Captain Holt: Please don't call me that.
Jake: Okay, fine, I'll just call you the 'Mish no wait, Mishy Elliot - no wait, Mish-es Doubtfire.

Jake: Sir, you're the perfect candidate: smart, well-respected, you smell great. That has nothing to do with the job. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you. Is it sandalwood?
Captain Holt: Please calm down.
Jake: Right, totally. Don't wanna jinx it.
Captain Holt: I don't believe in jinxes.
Jake: Great, then you won't mind me saying it's a lock. You're definitely gonna get it, and you're gonna smell even better with that Lord High Commander of all Justice stank on you.

Charles: So, who do you got your eye on?
Rosa: What?
Charles: You haven't dated anyone since you broke up with Pimento. And funerals are a meat market. Sadness is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Rosa: No, it's not.
Charles: Then how come everyone cries during sex?

Jake: So you risked everything to get me and Rosa out of prison? Oh, my God.
You did all of this for us? [EXHALES] I love you, Da-aptain. Daptain. It's the cool new way of saying Captain. It's from the world of hip-hop. Love you.

Amy: Jake, am I too high-strung?
Jake: I wouldn't say you're too high-strung. You just are high-strung. You know, your strung is what makes you strung. You're strung strongly.

Jake: Oh, my God. It's even more beautiful than I imagined.
Rosa: It's an empty floor that's under construction.
Jake: Just like in the movie!

Jake: Can we go in, sir?
Captain Holt: Fine, just make it quick.
Jake: Yes! Pull in over there, Argyle!
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: That's the name of the driver in the movie. We're going to Nakatomi Plaza. There's gonna be role-play.

Jake: Then why'd you do it?
Captain Holt: I'm compromised. I made a decision a while ago, and now some people are holding it over my head. I'm afraid of what they'll ask me to do if I become Commissioner.
Jake: You're compromised? How did this happen, Mr. Prevailing Traffic and Road Conditions?
Captain Holt: It doesn't matter.
Amy: Seamus Murphy.
Jake: What?
Amy: Seamus Murphy, the gangster. He offered me info that would get you and Rosa out of prison, in exchange for a favor. And Holt told me to turn it down, because he said it was too risky. But you didn't turn it down, did you, Captain?
Captain Holt: No, I did not.

Jake: How dare you make me this upset while I'm wearing this outfit.

Captain Holt: Well, perhaps we should just focus on finding a place to sleep tonight.
Charles: I might have a solution for that. How far is it to Mansfurd, Texas?
Tow-truck Driver: Like, half an hour.
Charles: Great! I have cousins there: Becca, Tommy, and Steve. There's a Boyle in every state.
Jake: Texas Boyles. I'm excited.

Jake: You're gonna take that meeting, you're gonna get the job, and you're gonna become Commissioner, and we'll all figure out what to do about Murphy.
Captain Holt: I'm touched, but it's moot. We've missed the cargo plane. And now there's no way to get back in time for me to make my meeting.
Jake: Nuh-uh. Amy?
Amy: What up, bro?
Jake: I need you to climb back on that strungness ladder, and I need you to climb pretty high.
Amy: How high?
Jake: Remember that time we went to the deli for cold cuts, and the ticket machine was broken, so you found out what time everyone arrived and made them get in a single-file line from earliest to latest?
Amy: Yeah.
Jake: Higher.
Amy: Copy that.

Amy: It's crazy how different things were when McGintley was Captain. It was like the Wild West.
Jake: Oh, yeah, we had some fun.
Amy: I didn't. In every one of those photos, I look uptight and worried. Meanwhile, everyone else looks like they're having the time of their life.
Hitchcock: That's because they're all stress-free, not like us Type A's.

Jake: Drink this instead.
Sergeant Jeffords: A mimosa!
Jake: Made with First Class Champagne. That's the brand name. It's from Arkansas. I hope it's good.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hell yeah!
Jake: Really?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, it's terrible, but I really appreciate the thought.

Charles: But we're too late to drive, and there's no available flights.
Jake: That's what I thought, but on the way here, we passed the town of Jacksboro. I knew I recognized it from somewhere.
Charles: Where? Sorry, are you monologuing, or is this a call-and-response thing?
Jake: No, that was great. Now, I order a lot of beef jerky online, 'cause I'm a cool guy with cool interests, and it's always shipped from Jacksboro, Texas.
There's a huge fulfillment center there.
Charles: There is?
Jake: Yes, Charles. I called them, and they ship their packages out of a regional airport.
Charles: They do?
Jake: That's too much. Maybe back off a little bit.

Jake: Passenger planes don't fly out of Jacksboro, but thing planes do!
Sergeant Jeffords: You mean cargo planes?
Jake: Yes, thank you.
Charles: Terry gets to interject?

Jake: Wait a minute, who called this tip in?
Captain Holt: It's impossible to say.
Jake: They said the drugs were in the back of a bovine transport unit. Who calls it that?
Captain Holt: Everyone. That's what they're called.
Jake: Yeah, if you're a robot, and you're the only robot I know, sir. [ROBOTIC INFLECTION] Bovine. Transport. Unit. Meep-morp. Zeep.

Jake: Terry, would you do the honors?
Sergeant Jeffords: [YELLS] Why?!

Captain Holt: Peralta, thank you for not quitting on me.
Jake: Of course, sir.

Charles: She's gone, Jakey. She's creeping her way to heaven.
Rosa: Let's be honest, she's creeping her way back to hell.

Jake: This is going great. I'm already used to the bouncing and shaking.
Captain Holt: I smell smoke.
Jake: Really? All I smell is residual Scully.

[Scully returns from the bathroom in the R.V.]
Scully: You guys didn't hear that, did you?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm still hearing it. I'm never gonna stop hearing it!

Amy: Guys, it's cool. We just gotta roll with it. You know, travel should be like jazz.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nuh-uh. There's a lie-flat seat waiting for me, and I wanna be napping in it, with a hot towel wrapped around my big bald head! Help!

Jake: Oh, man, you really went to town on these cheese puffs.
Captain Holt: Well, they're 80% air, which is something your body needs.

Sergeant Jeffords: They wouldn't even let me into a first class lounge, since my flight had already departed. I grabbed this and ran. You're all that's left of my dreams now, Mr. Mint.

Jake: We have bigger problems. Captain Holt's Commissioners interview is on Monday.
Rosa: Can't he just reschedule?
Amy: No! He's gonna be up against the best of the best. The slightest slipup could cost him the job, and but whatever, you know. It is what it is, Daddy-O.

Jake: Cheese puff, sir?
Captain Holt: No, thank you. They're full of chemicals.
Jake: Well, yes, but everything's made with chemicals, if you really think about it.
Captain Holt: I suppose you're right.
Jake: I am?
Captain Holt: Let me try one.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: It imploded in my mouth.
Jake: That's the magic of the puff. You don't have to chew.

Jake: All right, guys, we have to focus and think of a new plan for getting Holt back for his interview. Now, all we've lost is our only mode of transportation.
Sergeant Jeffords: And our clothes and food! All I have left is this first class mint, and none of you get to eat him!

Amy: What you got there, Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: I microwaved a bunch of wet napkins to make a hot towel. Just because we're in a crappy RV doesn't mean I still can't be First Class Terry.

Jake: May I present to you the finest RV that not much money can buy: The American Creeper.
Captain Holt: No one should have to suffer like this for me.
Charles: Suffer? This is a dream come true. It's a cross-country road trip. My dad and I took one every summer. You blast the "Annie" soundtrack, and you eat junk food, and you bond over secrets.

Jake: Look, Captain Holt helped us all achieve our collective dream of going to Nakatomi Plaza.
Rosa: Only you.

Rosa: Sir, why didn't you tell us?
Captain Holt: I didn't want any of you entangled in this. This is my decision, and it's also my responsibility.

Jake: Well, I still wish I could've got you back in time.
Captain Holt: Why do you care so much about this?
Jake: I don't know, it's your dream, and, you know, you changed my life, made me wanna be a better man, or whatever.
Captain Holt: Thank you for trying. But deep down, I always knew I'd never be Commissioner.

Jake: You sabotaged us, Mr. Robot! Not the TV show, but the point is, you sabotaged us!

Jake: What? No, why? Just because we're eight people standing in the back of a cattle car?

Jake: So, what are you gonna do when you're Commish? I think you should focus on interagency communication and intel sharing. Also, laser jails.

Jake: Come on, don't give up. If we get rescued right now and there's no traffic at the airport and the van return goes smoothly and security's super chill about all the guns we have, we could still make it.

Jake: Captain Holt, I know you've given up on your future, but I haven't. You're going to that interview.
Captain Holt: It's too late, Peralta.
Jake: Just put a sock in it, man! I'm doing this because of how much I care about you, so just stay the hell out of the way!

Sergeant Jeffords: We're gonna miss our flight. I should be sitting next to a semi-famous person that I can't quite place right now.

Jake: That's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one. Okay, all 600 of these are great. We should probably head to the airport.

Jake: Can we go in? Can we pay our respects?
Amy: Ooh, our flight leaves in 3 and a half hours, and but it's like, what is time even? #LegalizeIt.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait! Just one more thing.
Captain Holt: Your first class mint? I know how important this is to you.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know what really makes a trip first class? It's not the extra leg room or the complimentary drinks-
Jake: Actually, Terry, we don't really have time for a speech right now.
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine, your breath sucks! Just pop it and go!

Amy: From now on, I'm gonna be super chill. So, where's the party at? Trick question. The party's right here, boy! Oh, hello, Mrs. McGintley. My condolences for your loss.

Rosa: So, I didn't say anything about being bi, because I didn't think it was anybody's business. And I also didn't want anything to change.
Charles: I get it. I'm sorry I was so nosy.
Rosa: It actually felt really good to tell somebody on the squad, finally. I'm glad it was you.

Charles: Hey, has anyone seen a worm? Because this funky chicken's hungry.
Jake: Charles, a man has died. Read the room!

Captain Holt: I still don't know how we're gonna deal with the Murphy complication.
Jake: Two words: laser jails. But, you know, we'll figure it out.