Amy: Rosa? Are you stuck in there?
Rosa: No, I'm in here by choice.
Amy: Oh, 'cause I hear some banging noises as if someone was struggling to open the door.
Rosa: No. That was the pipes.
Amy: Or, is it the sound of you learning how to ask for help? You know, you can't spell "independent" without "dependent."
Rosa: And you can't spell "Go [bleep] yourself" without "[bleep] you."

Gina: Timothée Chalamet, shimmy-yah, shimmy-yay. Timothée Chalamet, shimmy-yah, shimmy-yay.
Jake: Gina?
Gina: Sorry, I'm doing my vocal warm-up.

Charles: Nikolaj had a half-day at school for Mariano Rivera's birthday. I'm watching him on my lunch break. Nikolaj, say "hi" to Captain Holt.
Nikolaj: Hi, Captain Holt! How's Mr. Kevin?
Captain Holt: Stressed. His annual budget review is today, and a recent change in federal policy means his grant situation is tenuous. At best.
Nikolaj: Okay.

Charles: Wanted to see me, sir?
Captain Holt: Yes, I wanted to talk to you about Nikolaj. How long have you known he was a genius?
Charles: I mean, I always knew he was bright. I just never realized he was that smart.
Captain Holt: Well, there's no sugarcoating it. You're a terrible father.
Charles: What?!
Captain Holt: You've been asleep at the wheel, man! What have you done to cultivate his incredible mind?
Charles: I read to him every night.
Captain Holt: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Charles: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain Holt: Egads, are you reading him Dickens?
Charles: Yes?

Charles: What do you think I should do?
Captain Holt: Let me tutor Nikolaj. Nothing too strenuous. Maybe some geometry, statistical mechanics, perhaps some Latin lyric poetry thrown in for fun.
Charles: Oh, I don't know. He's really booked.I guess I could cancel his cartooning class, but he really loves it.
Captain Holt: Don't do that. I hate to think of all the great cartoons humanity missed out on because Einstein was just too busy reinventing physics.
Charles: Okay, I'll cancel the class.
Captain Holt: I mean, who needs relativity when we could've had Einstein's take on lasagna-eating cats.
Charles: I said I'd cancel.
Captain Holt: Did he hate Mondays? We'll never know.
Charles: Okay, I'm going. I'm going!

Captain Holt: Ah, Boyle, there you are. I have a question for you.
Nikolaj: Daddy, wait up!
Captain Holt: Oh, your non-adult is at our place of work.

Amy: Whoa, Rosa! What happened?
Rosa: I touched poison oak. The doctor says I have to keep my hands bandaged for a week so I don't scratch them.
Amy: How did it happen?
Rosa: I was on a nature hike and I went off-trail to pick a pretty little flower.
Amy, Hitchcock & Scully: Aw.
Rosa: Shut up.

Jake: Feel just like Kevin Costner in "The Bodyguard"!
Sergeant Jeffords: What? If anyone's like Kevin Costner it's me. I'm the one carrying Gina!
[present:]
Jake: Well, I think we can agree we were both Kevin Costner.
Sergeant Jeffords: No!

Captain Holt: Boyle! My father never saw my potential. In grade school, I wanted to spend all my free time drawing graphs and charts, but he insisted I play basketball. As if I care about slam dunking a three-pointer. Don't be my father, Boyle!
Charles: I wouldn't dare!

Rosa: Ugh, why won't this dumb monitor turn on?
Scully: Because you can't work without your hands.
Hitchcock: Trust us. If you could do this job without lifting a finger, we would've already cracked it.
Scully: Because we're lazy boys.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Gina's prepping inside. You get some rest last night?
Jake: Yeah, because I got home from our 9:30 drinks at 9:41. I was in bed by 10:00. Then I looked at my phone for another two hours, so actually I didn't sleep very well.

Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you sliding into my side of the booth?
Jake: Because that side is the solo side. You always put the person you want to catch up with on the solo side, otherwise one of us will spend the whole night straining our necks looking sideways.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm straining my neck talking to you right now.
Jake: Okay, so don't look at me, Terry. Just face forward. You see me every day.
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine.
Jake: Fine.

Rosa: Now scram. I have a case report to type up.
Amy: Uh, there's no way you're using a keyboard with your hands like that. Oh, I could help you! Not to brag, but at typing camp, everyone called me "The Finger Queen." Oh, my God, that sounds really dirty. I swear that's what it meant.
Rosa: Yeah, it was typing camp. Nobody thinks that.

Jake: I did, and there's been a change of plans. I'm gonna take a rain check on the champagne, but it was wonderful seeing you.
Gina: Why are you talking like a flight attendant?
Jake: This is how I always talk when everything is okay. Which it is right now. Please enjoy the rest of your day.

Charles: How did Nikolaj do? Were you able to overcome my horrible parenting?
Captain Holt: No, it's far worse than I could've ever imagined. I showed him a periodic table, and he thought it was a coloring book illustration.
Charles: I blame myself. It's such a classic Boyle trait not to recognize talent. My cousin Susan didn't know she could sing until her late 40s.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, guys. How you feeling, Gina?
Gina: Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't. Almond Joy's got nuts. Mounds don't.
Jake: She's very hopped up on painkillers.
Gina: Hold up, when did you learn French, Monsieur La baguette?
Jake: [in French accent] Oh, as a bebe.
Gina: Oh, oui! Oui, oui, oui, oui.
Jake: It actually helps to play along, I'm assuming.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's gonna be hard to spot a crazy person in here. They're all crazy.
Jake: Tell me about it. This is more insane than the crowd at the Carly Rae Jepsen- I mean Slayer concert.

Gina: In the beginning, there was nothing. And then God, a woman, said, "Let there be Gina!"

Gina: Jake, I had a work thing. I can't believe you're being such a baby about this.
Jake: I'm not being a baby.
Gina: Look, I'm sorry I lied, okay? It was a big opportunity for me. I was having drinks with the brand director of a bottled water company. I can't say which one, but it rhymes with, "fart water."

Amy: Rosa, watching you try to open that door and fail again and again and again and again was inspiring. I was trying to teach you a lesson, and instead, you taught me a lesson.
Rosa: Great. What lesson is that?
Amy: There is nothing the human spirit cannot overcome. So Rosa Diaz, you are not quitting. You are gonna open that door because you are badass and you don't need help from anyone!
Rosa: Yeah. I'm Rosa Diaz.

Jake: Guys? Guess who I just got off the phone with.
Charles: My cousin Pam.
Jake: What? No. Why would you think that?
Charles: You always seemed kind of jealous of my relationship with him, so I thought maybe you called him up to settle your differences.
Jake: I'm definitely not jealous of Pam. He owns a bird shop. I barely remember him.
Charles: You remember the bird shop.

Gina: Can't believe I just escaped death! I haven't felt this alive since I almost got killed by that bus.
Jake: I know, right? What a rush.

Captain Holt: Honestly, given the hole that you've put him in, he needs more expert help than I can provide. But, there is a boarding school in Switzerland that would be a perfect fit for him. He can enroll immediately.
Charles: In Switzerland? I'd never see him.
Captain Holt: Then uproot your life and move there with him. No one here would miss you.

Charles: Hmm. We could live in Gruyere, the fondue capital of the world.

Rosa: I'm just not doing it hard enough.
[Rosa knocks a soda bottle to the floor, which starts spurting out]
Scully: Mmm!
Hitchcock: Ooh! That's a double-sponger.
Rosa: All right. I am cleaning this up, and no one is helping me.
Hitchcock: Not a problem.
Scully: Because we're lazy boys.

Jake: I want you to stay calm and just try to keep all of your blood inside your body.
Gina: Bitch, what do you think I'm doing?
Jake: Yeah, I don't know why I said that.

Captain Holt: Boyle, may I speak with you for a minute?
Charles: Sure, I was just googling "good toys for normal children."
Captain Holt: Nikolaj may not be a genius, but he's a very bright child. And on top of that, you were right. He's also a very gifted artist. Look what he did to my periodic table. Sure, it's a bit derivative of Kandinsky, but the palette shows an impressive comprehension of color theory.
Charles: And he's good at clouds, too.
Captain Holt: Okay.

Jake: Well, cyber looked into the threats, and they traced a number of negative comments back to another internet celebrity, Marvin Lennox.
Gina: Marvin Lennox. Yeah, I'm not worried about him. He's an inspirational baker.
Sergeant Jeffords: Inspirational baker? What the hell is that?
Marvin Lennox: [video] A man is like a quiche, and a quiche is only as strong as its crust. What's your crust?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, that's exactly what it sounds like.
Gina: Yeah, he's not a threat. He lives in Utah, and again, just to remind you inspirational baker.

Charles: Hey, Nikolaj, Daddy and Captain Holt need to talk. Why don't you go do some drawing? [to Holt] Oh, he loves doing art. He made a portrait of our dog Biscuit that had all of his surgical scars.

Captain Holt: I'm conducting a statistical analysis to get a more nuanced understanding of which areas in our jurisdiction need greater police presence with a hope of developing a formula that- What on Walden Pond is this?

Charles: Nikolaj, no, that's important! I'm so sorry, sir. I don't spank him, but I will reprimand him in my own way. Niko. I love you.
Nikolaj: I'm so sorry, Daddy!

Gina: So, Duncs, I have an idea for a second book. It's a memoir, and it's made of memes. So, it's called a meme-oir.

Jake: Oh, no. She is an Ungerbert.

Amy: You did it!
Rosa: I did it! Oh, that was great! I love being independent. I have to go to the bathroom.
Amy: Oh, okay, I'll help you.

Gina: No, Italian girl. We are changing the world, for we are the G-Hive. And today we are celebrating our 1 millionth subscriber. Over 1 million people are living their lives according to the Gina-mandments. They're like the Ten Commandments, only there's more and they're better. I would now like to express my gratitude the best way I know how through song.
Gratitude
Grati-tat-tat-tat tatitude! Grati-tat-tat-tat-tatitude!
Gratitude.

Amy: Hello?
Rosa: You win. Please help me.
Amy: No.
Rosa: What, why? I learned my lesson. You were right.
Amy: No, you were right. For the past four hours, I've been watching you on the security camera.
Rosa: You have? That's weird.
Amy: This isn't about me.
Rosa: Still seems weird.

Gina: Jake, I cannot wait for this doctor. Will you please grab this knife out of my back? Get it!
Jake: Gina, it's already out.
Gina: What?

Jake: So what's the latest? Did you catch the perp?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I almost had him. But then he jumped up, grabbed a flagpole, spun around it like Spider-Man, and then flipped out of sight on a roof. It was crazy. Officers are still patrolling the area.
Jake: Oh, my God, that's it.
Gina: That is it! The treasure is in the Forest of Enchanted Secrets! Let's go!
Jake: No, we can't. We have to stay here and guard the Amulet of Destiny.
Gina: True dat, true dat.

Jake: No, I was actually talking to none other than Gina Linetti.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really? No one's heard from her in months.
Jake: Well, she just invited us to go check out her new place.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm surprised you're so excited to see her. I mean, she's been blowing you off ever since she left.
Jake: What? In what way?
Sergeant Jeffords: She bailed on your birthday drinks.
Jake: It wasn't that fun.
Sergeant Jeffords: She was a no-show at your Secret Santa party!
Jake: Christmas is overrated.
Sergeant Jeffords: She hasn't called you in months!
Jake: I'm not that interesting. Look, what is going on with you? Are you hangry?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I just ate six hardboiled eggs.
Jake: Well, maybe you should've made it a cool "doz."

Captain Holt: I also wanted to say I was wrong to imply that you didn't know what was best for him.
Charles: Oh.
Captain Holt: You're an exceptionally supportive parent, and I wish my father had been more like you.
Charles: Thank you for saying that. And sir, nothing would make me prouder than being your big daddy.
Captain Holt: Well, we're off track now. So, uh, good day.

Jake: Look, I know Gina hasn't been around very much, but we're gonna spend time with her today, and it's gonna be just like old times.
[cut to:]
Janelle: Gina's gonna be a few minutes. Her photo shoot is running over.
Photographer: Yes, Moses! Lookin' good! Now work those Commandments!
Jake: See, Sarge? Just like old times.

Gina: Oooh! That's a knife! That is a knife in my back. That's so weird to say. There's a knife in my back.

Jake: And then you were like, "We can use the Amulet to fight the Queen of Tears!"
Gina: I said all of that when I was on drugs? That's brilliant.
Jake: Yeah, we basically came up with an entire amazing story.
Gina: We should write a movie!
Jake: Yes! Jake and Gina present, colon, "The Queen of Tears," colon, "Battle for the Amulet of Destiny."
Gina: Colon, Part One, colon, of Five.
Jake: Oh, get those sequel profits smort.
Gina: Yerp.

Gina: But I don't know what to say about the other stuff because this is my life and I don't want to apologize for that.
Jake: No, and Gina, you shouldn't have to. Look, I'm really proud of you.
You're totally killing it.
Gina: Yeah, people want to stab me.
Jake: I mean, that's a very positive way of looking at things, but yeah.
Gina: Thank you. Ha ha ha ha-ha! Hoo hoo! I hit a new level of pain. Please keep talkin', please keep talkin'!

Gina: I had food poisoning. Did Janelle not tell you?
Jake: No.
Gina: Wow, that's crazy. 'Cause I specifically told her to tell you you know what? I'm gonna fire her.
Jake: You don't have to do that.
Gina: Janelle. Oh, God, doing it now?
Janelle: Hi, Gina.
Jake: Okay. Well, Sarge and I should probably hit it, get back in there, survey some people. But have a great show. Janelle, just remember you're gonna have a lot of jobs in your life this is but a blip on your resume. Okay Sarge, let's go.

Jake: So I was saying that ever since you left you've been kind of a crappy friend.
Gina: [screaming] Brrrrrawwwwwwoo.
Jake: We're definitely not having this conversation right now.
Gina: No, it's okay. It just hurt for a sec. Come on, let's do it.
Jake: Ugh. All right, fine, what was I saying?
Gina: You were saying that I'm a [groans] Ahh, bad friend. [blowing]
Jake: Right. You're a bad friend. That's what I was saying to you.
Gina: Yeah.
Jake: And just that, you know, you've been really blowing me off for the last few months, and last night you lied to me about being sick. That really sucked.

Gina: Bring your ass down here so we can finish our conversation.
Jake: We can do that later, Gina.
Gina: First of all, I have so much adrenaline pumping through my body right now I can feel almost nothing. Secondly, you can't say no to me. I have a knife in my back.
Jake: Yeah, that tracks.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, sorry I'm late.
Gina: Oh, you should be, Terrance. You almost missed the surprise we got for you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Huh, what is it?
Jake: I think you mean, "Who is it?"
Sergeant Jeffords: Bryant Ungerbert?
Bryant Ungerbert: Hello, Terry Jeffords. It's been far too long, old friend.
Gina: We did the right thing.
Jake: Yes we did, Gina.
Gina: Who's Gina?
Jake: Are you still on drugs?
Gina: Yeeeah.
Jake: Oh, tight.

Sergeant Jeffords: What's up? I got your text- Oh, my God, Gina, there's a knife in you! Jake, did you stab Gina?
Jake: I didn't stab Gina, okay? Lennox wasn't our guy. The real perp did it. He's in a black hoodie and jeans. He ran that way.

Gina: Come on, dude. Just talk to me.
Jake: I would if we were friends, but you're making it it very clear that we are not, so I shan't.
Gina: Oh, you're shanting me?
Jake: Yeah, that's right.
Gina: Jake!
Jake: Can't hear you. You're shanted!
Gina: Jake!
Jake: I told you I only talk to my friends.
Gina: No, Jake. I think I just got stabbed by that guy.
Jake: Oh, yeah, ya did. Ya definitely did.

Captain Holt: Yes. Children are wonders.

Captain Holt: Wait. Why is he writing the solution to my formula for no reason? And why is he drawing colorful underpants beneath it?
Charles: Oh, I see what's happening. He's drawing Boy Riga, loyal sidekick to his favorite cool superhero, Captain Latvia.
Nikolaj: That's his symbol. He distributes grain evenly among the working class.
Captain Holt: Uh-huh. I see. So this was all just some coincidence. He wasn't writing absolute value of psi. He was just doodling.

Captain Holt: No, no, no. He didn't ruin it, he solved it. The absolute value of psi. Nikolaj cracked the equation. Boyle, your boy is a genius!

Gina: Jacob! Terrencio! Give Moses a hug!

Jake: So what's been going on with you?
Gina: Well, that's actually why I called. It's not a big deal at all, but someone's threatening to murder me.
Jake: What?
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Gina!
Gina: I mean, I'm not worried about it in the slightest. Anyone who has an online presence gets meaningless threats. It actually is a sign that I made it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Congrats?
Gina: Thanks. Thank you.

Gina: [on the phone] Duncan, I almost died. It was amazing.
Duncan: I heard all about it, Gines. Look, you're trending!
Gina: And from my pain comes triumph!
Duncan: Love that. And we can use this publicity to get more money out of those bottled water guys. You really impressed them at drinks last night!
Gina: Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah we should talk about this later.
Duncan: Sorry, you're breaking up. Look, I said they loved you at the drinks last night the drinks last night that you had with the water people? Crap, I just hit the Holland Tunnel, but again, [volume decreasing] great job with the drinks last night! [distantly] Bye.
Gina: Jake, did you hear that?

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, uniformed officers found Marvin hiding in a bathroom at the event space. He's in custody. We got him!
Gina: That's great! I hope they give him the chair.

Rosa: Anyway, I don't need your help.
Amy: You're really gonna try to make it through an entire day on your own? Well, well, well. Rosa Diaz is finally gonna learn the lesson that no matter how strong she is on her own, true strength comes from accepting help from others.
Rosa: That's not what's happening.
Amy: Mm-hmm, yeah. That's how normal people take their coats off.
Rosa: I'm fine.
Amy: I can see that.
Rosa: This is going well.
Amy: Clearly.

Gina: And now, I wanna hear from you, my baby G-Hive! Yes, girl in the mustard sweater.
Menla Park: Hi, Gina. I just quit my job and left my husband who loves parkour more than he loves me. And it's all because of your Gina-mendment: "If the light in your house is dim, change the bulb."
Gina: Yes! I have time for 15 more compliments.

Gina: G-Hive! Are you ready for three new Gina-mandments? Number one, you can be anything you set your mind to as long as you're already great at it! Number two, no one knows you can't take it with you! Be buried with your money. Cha-ching! Number three, if you fall down nine times you gotta reassess your walking, 'cause something's wrong.

Sergeant Jeffords: I gotta say, I'm surprised Gina invited us to drinks tonight. She obviously invited us over to her place because she needed a favor.
Jake: Why are you still so down on her?
Sergeant Jeffords: I've been through this before. In college, I had a football buddy, Bryant Ungerbert-
Jake: Oh, and lemme guess. You guys were best friends, then he got drafted into the NFL, and now you never talk.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, he got drafted into the Canadian football league, became a long snapper for Ottawa, and even that level of success ruined our friendship.
Jake: He's still playing? How is that possible? You're 35 to 60 years old.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's Canada. They don't tackle as hard. Anyway, his career became the only thing that mattered. He was off doing photo shoots, commercials, speaking at long snapping conventions-
Jake: Is that a thing?
Sergeant Jeffords: In Canada, it's like the Oscars. Look, the point is he stopped making time for his friends.

Jake: But I did realize something. The only thing that matters to Gina is work.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't say? Where have I heard that before?
Jake: I don't know, Terry. I don't have time for your weird memory lapse.
Sergeant Jeffords: I said it last night.
Jake: Well, I wish you would've said it to me.

Sergeant Jeffords: Good. I wish I'd have said something to Ungerbert. Long snapper used to be my favorite position.
Jake: Really?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah.
Jake: Hmm. Well you a weirdo.