Jake: When you should be thinking like a bird. This is Operation: Saving Private Pigeon. On my mark, I will turn on this fan, gently startling our bird due east, into the file box canyon, where he will encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together, forcing Private Pigeon into the ceiling there and out of the ceiling there, where he will be greeted by scary Rosa holding a scary picture of an owl. Now he's playing our game. He'll veer left, into an upside down garbage can propped up by a hockey stick and connected to a string that Gina is holding. She pulls it, he is trapped, and Terry releases him outside.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry hates birds.
Jake: Okay, little friend. Let's get you home to mama. Oh, God. It flew right into the fan! It's everywhere! There's pigeon everywhere!

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: Pigeon's still here?
Scully: Yeah. No matter what we do, he just won't leave.
Jake: The problem is you're thinking like detectives.
Scully: No, I'm definitely not.

Captain Holt: Are you ready for your first briefing?
Amy: Yes, I am fully prepared. I just wanna establish myself as a leader right away.
Sergeant Jeffords: Just be confident, deliberate and firm. You'll know you have their respect when you can take a moment [pours a cup of coffee] and still keep their attention.
Amy: Amazing.
Rosa: That was captivating as hell.

Charles: Jake, piece of advice: just give up. It's the Boyle way. It's why our family crest is a white flag.