Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Jake: Amy, check it out.
Amy: Nice! You got it framed?
Jake: Of course. It commemorates our victory over the Vulture, the greatest day in human history. Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of Ghostbusters.

Jake: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
Captain Holt: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Jake: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
Captain Holt: I pity your dentist.
Jake: Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

Sergeant Jeffords: Good Lord. Where did he get that?
Captain Holt: Oh, my God, we're doomed. Boyle looks like a lesbian.

Captain Holt: (At cinema to see Moneyball) The statistical analysis. (Sobs) It's so beautiful.

Charles: Darn it. I had a belly dancing class. Tonight was Egyptian undulation.
Gina: Oooh, show us some moves.
Charles: Sure.
Captain Holt: Dismissed!

Jake: Hello, everyone. My name is Roger Strikewell, and I will be your guest auctioneer this evening. So many faces to look at. I won a radio contest, and I'm so excited to be here tonight to sell you all of these cool, old, Greek things. Our first item up for bid is lot number 344. It is this old "vase," "vahs" if you're nasty. It was made in the year five and depicts the classic Greek fable: Boy meets girl, boy has goat legs. And on the back, just a whole bunch of wheat. So let's start the bidding at $10. [all hands go up] Okay, started it way too low.

Jake: Fire Marshall Boone, we meet again.
Boone: Detective Peralta. Your fly's down. I made you look.
Jake: I didn't look and I'm wearing shorts. There is no fly.
Boone: That's not what your mom said.
Jake: You make no sense.
Boone: And now I'm inside your head.

Bill: Name's Bill Voss, just got this thing in the mail, said I won a free Bahamas cruise!
Sergeant Jeffords: Congratulations, Bill! *Holds up police badge* You have six outstanding warrants for credit fraud!
Bill: Oh, man! Can't it wait 'til I get back from the Bahamas? I won a cruise!
Rosa: You're not very bright, are you, Bill?

Sergeant Jeffords: Don't worry, I had a backup plan. I distracted her with a mirror. She's like a cockatiel, sir. Fascinated by her own reflection.

Rosa: It's my birthday. I hate birthdays. If you wish me a Happy Birthday, I will punch you.
Scully: You're a funny little bird, Diaz. Happy Birthday.
[Rosa punches Scully]

Rosa: Hey, Pembroke. What do you say we go talk about a case in the break room?
The Vulture: Oh, yeah? What case is that?
Rosa: The case of how you got so damn sexy.
The Vulture: God owed me a favor. Case solved.

Amy: What's going on in there?
Hotel worker: An auction of Greek antiquities.
Jake: Ah, I believe it's pronounced "antiques".
Amy: I'm sorry about my partner.
He's never been to a museum.
Jake: Have so.
Amy: Wax museums don't count.
Jake: Then why are they called museums? It's right there in the name.

Sergeant Jeffords: Any time Mount Diaz erupts, everyone in the squad avoids her.
Captain Holt: Mount Diaz. Humorous. Yes.

Jake: See, Amy, fun thing about working cases, you meet people from all over the world.
Mlepnos: This song is a celebration song for when a dog loses its virginity.
Jake:[chuckling] Who checks that?

Jake: Ah, Captain Holt. You look very ... sad? I can never tell.

Boone: You don't have to dance every time.
Sergeant Jeffords: True, but I choose to dance every time.

Jake: Irwin, how would you like the honour of being the first man to undress in front of Amy Santiago?

Sergeant Jeffords: Are you familiar with the story of Icarus? He didn't want to quit, he flew too close to the sun, his wax wings melted and he died.

Captain Holt: Are you familiar with the story of Moneyball? A man uses statistics and logic to win several baseball games. It's my favorite film.

Sergeant Jeffords: Tell me, what room is right down the hall from her desk?
Captain Holt: The bathroom.
Sergeant Jeffords: If people are afraid to walk by Diaz, bathroom breaks will be to a minimum.

Amy: [as The Vulture shows off his underwear band] The Vladimir Putin collection?
The Vulture: Yeah, 70 bucks a pair. And they only increase in value.

Captain Holt: I'm flying high, Sergeant, and I'm never coming down.

Captain Holt: Santiago wants to make Captain one day. I know, because I've frequently caught her wearing my hat and looking into a mirror.

The Vulture: Hey, Peralta. I got it from here.
Jake: All right, fine. I'll just go then- With this fully signed confession. We did it, Gus!
Gus: Whoo! Suck it, Vulture. I killed that guy and his neighbor, but you were too late.
Jake: Whoo! Wait, you killed his neighbor?

Gina: Ahem. Hello, boys. Welcome to your own office. I hear you're trying to make the precinct more efficient.
Sergeant Jeffords: Gina, what are you doing in the Captain's chair?
Captain Holt: Please. I am open to any ideas about efficiency.
Gina: I have narrowed the problem down to one location. The Holt-Jeffords vortex. Things would go a lot faster if the two of you did less experimenting and more working. And I'm not the only one who thinks that.

Jake: Ah, Santiago. Before you go in there, there's something I have to say. I'm sorry I said you were a bad partner. I was the bad partner. The truth is, our job isn't always great. I mean, sometimes it sucks. But it sucks a little less when I get to do it with you. So when you said you were gonna leave, I freaked out, and that was dumb. I should've been more supportive. You're a great Detective, and they'd be lucky to have you. In fact, if it helps, I wrote you a letter of recommendation, which is riddled with spelling errors, I might add. Including the word, "recommendation," which is just... I don't have to tell you about that. There's no way there's four "m"s in that word, right?

Captain Holt: Now, I know you'd all prefer to go to a bar, drink beer, and eat chips of various textures.

Jake: We still have to process the perp. You love processing. It's your favorite thing, after organizing your emails and replacing toilet paper rolls.

Jake: Come on, we only have three minutes. It's like you're not even trying to confess!

Jake: Another helpful hint.
Captain Holt: Goodbye.
Jake: It's learning!

Captain Holt: Updates on the case?
Jake: Well, you're gonna love this one. We busted the guy for grand larceny. And to celebrate, Santiago is taking a job interview at major crimes. Can you believe that?
Captain Holt: Yes, she told me yesterday.
Jake: What? Why didn't you try and talk her out of it? She would literally shave her head if you asked her to. Which, by the way, is a great idea for a prank, if you're looking to prank her.

Jake: Scully, what are you doing at my desk? And working? What is going on today?

Jake: You know what? You're being a bad partner. You're joining forces with the enemy. And from now on, I'm gonna call you "the cheetah." They're scavengers, just like vultures. And I kinda wish I hadn't said it, 'cause they're pretty cool. Come on, jewel thief. You're my only friend now.

Jake: What a day, huh? Met Adam Sandler, broke Joe Theismann's leg, and solved an awesome case together.
Amy: Yeah, good day.
Jake: Hell yeah, it is. Drinks are on me.

The Vulture: Lookee, lookee. I thought I saw your big, white ass lumbering around. As for you, Santiago, well, now you certainly showed your true colors, didn't you? And they're a shade of pink called "loser."

Joe Theismann: My leg! My leg! You broke my other leg.
Jake: Uh.
Joe Theismann: Oh, this was supposed to be a safe event.
Jake: Nothing to see here. Except for the bone, sticking out of the leg.
Adam Sandler: Joe, I video'd it!

Adam Sandler: New item up there. How much you guys wanna pay for me to stick my socks in this moron's mouth?
Joe Theismann: I will.
Jake: Did football legend Joe Theismann just bid $1,000 to put a sock in my mouth?
Joe Theismann: You bet.

Gina: And I'm not the only one who thinks that.
Charles: You melted my fringe.
Rosa: You think I have an anger problem? I don't. You are both dead to me.

Adam Sandler: This is terrible you don't know what you're doing.
Jake: Adam Sandler?
Adam Sandler: Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian revolution.
Jake: Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?
Adam Sandler: Ha, ha. It's a serious movie. Trotsky.
Jake: Ah, there it is.
Adam Sandler: But he's got a wife who never wears a bra. I think you're gonna like it.
Jake: Thanks for dressing up, by the way.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I'm begging you, please, we have to stop. Boyle is still smoldering.

Jake: Good afternoon, sir, I'm Detective Peralta. This is Detective always-stays-loyal. She's named after her father Alvin stays-loyal.

Captain Holt: Tell me about the Boyle-linetti reaction.
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle gets cold a lot because of what he calls his-
[cut to:]
Charles: Medically diagnosed thin skin.
[back:]
Sergeant Jeffords: So he goes to the lost and found, and he grabs something that's usually unflattering. That's when Gina gets involved.

Jake: The thief's name is Benjamin Disanto. Here's an old mug shot. He's surprisingly photogenic. A lot of criminals are, strangely.

Jake: NYPD.
Mlepnos: Yes? Mlepnos.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Amy: NYPD, sir. Have you seen anything unusual today?
Mlepnos: Oh, no. This was nice, thank you.

Sergeant Jeffords: I may have a solution. We need to compstat the office. What is compstat? It's just using data to identify problem spots in the neighborhood. Now, I have been taking notes on points of friction in this office for years. The red areas are places where no work gets done. If we can fix these problems without anyone knowing what we're doing, we will finish on time.
Captain Holt: Are you saying you want to secretly perform scientific experiments on your friends and coworkers to increase efficiency?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes.
Captain Holt: Sounds fun, let's do it.

Gina: First batch of arrest files is done-zo Washington.
Sergeant Jeffords: There's only three files here. It's been an hour.
Gina: Yeah, I know. It has not been a productive morning. For example, somebody used the toaster in front of Boyle. And then Boyle spent 30 minutes lecturing him on how to make a sandwich. I'd describe the work flow today as dismal with a tiny, little splash of pathetic.

The Vulture: And out of the tear gas rises the Phoenix.

The Vulture: Yo, is this a police station or a toilet? 'Cause all I see is turds.
Charles: Oh, Detective Pembroke. Oh, no. I spilled coffee on you by accident.
The Vulture: Lucky for you, this wipes off quickly. This coat's made out of whale skin.

Captain Holt: Do you have a murder suspect to question?
Jake: He is in the interrogation room as we speak, sitting and, I assume, stewing. I put on a song that I think sums up his situation nicely.
[in the interrogation room, Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe" plays]
Jake: Because, you see-
Captain Holt: You got him, babe. I understood the wordplay, yes.

Gina: I'd describe the workflow today as dismal with a tiny dash of pathetic.

Captain Holt: Brief me on the hotel robberies.
Jake: Helpful hint to the scientists that program you. Most humans say "Hello" at the beginning of a conversation.

Gina: Sweet sweater, Charles. You look like you're starring in an Albanian remake of The Cosby Show. Dr. Huxtable, Dr. Huxtable.

Captain Holt: Hello, Peralta.
Jake: Ah, a human greeting. Nicely done.

Amy: I have to admit, I do love a thorough vacuumer. I'm a little OCD.