Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Jake: Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.
Sergeant Jeffords: Umm, what?
Jake: He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag.
Captain Holt's pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies.

Jake: You guys, this is gonna be fine. I mean Terry's our boss and he comes with us every year.
Sergeant Jeffords: Correction, you bring Vacation Terry, and he is no man's boss. When the slippers are filled, Terry is chilled.

Charles: Mommy is out of town and we are gonna party!
Gina: You call your ex-wife Mommy?
Charles: Not conciously.

Jake: We'll have two parties. A fun party down here with us, then an awkward, uncomfortable one in the living room with Holt. He doesn't even have to know about it. Separate parties.
Separate but equal.
Forget I said that phrase.

Jake: At least three of us must be in there at all times. It's not a party if there's not four people.
Amy: Especially between the sheets!

Gina: And just to clarify, just how untethered is vacation Terry from his wife?
Sergeant Jeffords: Very tethered.

Jake: Okay, we don't have much time. The Captain's in the bathroom and we all know how efficient he is in there.

Jake: Amy, you gotta be glad Holt's here, right? I mean, you're basically in love with him.

Gina: Oh no, six drink Amy isn't fun. She's just sad. Damn it!

Captain Holt: I know they say it's not good to have a TV in the bedroom. Which is why I don't.

Jake: Wow, without the bubbles you can really see everything.
Hitchcock: Eyes up here, Peralta.

Captain Holt: All right, Peralta, I'm sick of you wasting time. So, yes, I spilled some minestrone on my pants and I'm sitting in my underwear. Happy?

Jake: All right, anyone else have questions? Hitchcock, Scully, you've been weirdly silent.
Scully: We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.

Rosa: You brought pineapple?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, the fanny runs deep. I am prepared for any vacation situation. I've got a bottle opener, sun screen, inflatable neck pillow. Wait, are we having fondue?

Sergeant Jeffords: I can't wait. This weekend, I am Vacation Terry. No kids. No responsibilities. I'm just a balloon floating in the great blue sky and I am untethered.

Rosa: I am dating his nephew. Now we are hanging out on weekends. What is next? Ugh! Small talk.

Charles: The only free bedroom is my ex-wife's which is completely off limits. She locks the door and takes the handle home with her.

Captain Holt: Hello, party people. Peralta told me to say that.
Jake: Yeah, I did. Ain't no party like a Captain Holt party because a Captain Holt party is a total surprise to everyone.

Jake: Just look at us. Three people with pants on having a normal conversation.
Captain Holt: Yep, no story here.

Hitchcock: Holt's the big fish we've been waiting for. We have an exciting investment opportunity to pitch him.
Jake: What?
Scully: It's an off-shore casino that's currently sunk off the coast of Delaware.

Amy: Hey, Ray, it's time.
Captain Holt: For what, detective Santiago?
Amy: You to give me a promotion and a forty-percent raise. I've been carrying this squad for two years, and my back's getting tired.

Amy: I'm so cold even my fiery dance moves aren't keeping me warm.

Jake: I've never seen Captain Holt look so upset before. He looks like a sad block of granite.
Charles: What are we gonna do? How do you cheer up granite?

Amy: I love him. I'm not in love with him. But I'm definitely not comfortable being drunk around him.

Gina: The captain's making a toast. Don't be rude, prude.
Amy: Okay, I guess I'll have one more.
Captain Holt: You're on vacation. Who's counting?
Gina: *Whispers* I am.

Charles: Mmm, texting. That's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers. Other than washing their hair.

Jake: You guys are being a bunch of homophobic, racist, golf cops!

Jake: You know how I'm always saying it's not a real party until your boss shows up unexpectedly? Well, it's a party!

Captain Holt: I do envy the camaraderie they shared. I've always wanted to josh around with my peers.

Jake: Also, I wanted to thank you again for giving us this half day.
Captain Holt: Yes, of course. I understand how important these extravaganzas are. I'm sure you'll have a hoot.
Jake: Oh, yeah. Though I'm sure our hoots pale in comparison to the hoots that you had back in the day. I bet things got supes hoots.
Captain Holt: Actually, I wasn't privy to those events. As a gay black man I was excluded from most social gatherings.

Captain Holt: This is nice. I mean the wind is unexpected, but welcome and bracing.
Jake: Yeah, it's like a thousand little needles of happiness shooting into your face.

Gina: Two bottles of vodka? Is this the weekend we finally meet six-drink Amy?

Jake: Sir, you're gonna freak. Yo-Yo Ma is in the precint and he's giving out autographs.
Captain Holt: Yo-Yo Ma is on tour in Australia right now.
Jake: How would you know what?

Gina: Four drinks! Thank you, Terry's fanny, and thank you Poseidon, great God of the Sea!

Captain Holt: So how do you all blow off steam? Does anyone have any complaints about the work environment?
Jake: No, no, we usually just gossip.

Scully: Question: How much does it cost to raise a sunken ship?
Hitchcock: Answer: Less than a casino makes in a year. Hopefully.