Jake: I can't believe Holt believes that ridiculous windbag and his sack of lies. Oh, I know everything about glitter and "Drake's Elbow."
Amy: "Hollow."
Jake: Amy, please. I just need your support right now, okay?

Amy: Look, go home. I'll check for prints on the Party Zone receipt. Yours won't be there, but maybe someone else's will.
Jake: Wait a minute. Prints... that's it. I think I know who framed me.
Amy: Who?
Jake: I can't say yet. I wanna be sure.
Amy: You wanna do a big, dramatic reveal in front of everyone, don't you?
Jake: Yes, obviously.

Charles: [bullhorn wails] It wasn't either of you, but I know who it was.
Jake: Son of a bitch stole my bullhorn.

Captain Holt: Okay, so who was the prank man?
Charles: There was no prank. That was just a cover. You see, guys, the point of the explosion was to contaminate the evidence of the Dekalb Street murder.
Jake: But the suspect is in prison, has no ties to organized crime, and no means of bribing an officer. How could he have possibly pulled that off?
Charles: Yeah, Jake, that stumped me for a little bit too, but then something you said gave me an idea.
[flashback:]
Jake: I mean, that kind of evidence would never hold up at trial. You'd be laughed out of court.
[present:]
Jake: Ah, yeah, I remember when I said that. It was awesome. Wait, but who did it?

Jake: Okay, fine, so you all knew we were pregnant. Good for you. But I bet you didn't figure out that we're having twins.
Charles: [gasps, faints]
Jake: No, not really. It's one baby. I just needed to see Charles faint.

Jake: No, it was my grandfather, the Admiral.
Charles: Whoa, you tracked him down?
Jake: Yup, he's on his way to my apartment right now. I'm going to fix his relationship with my dad. It's going to be very emotional.
Charles: It's going to be so dramatic. You should be producing for Ellen.
Jake: Do you really think so? 'Cause I actually have another idea for a segment where Ellen turns your home into a haunted house. I call it "Extreme Makeover: Bone Edition." But you know, I... I don't have to do it. I like being a cop.
Charles: And you're so good at it.

Jake: Okay, we all heard the cake splat on the other side of the counter, which means we can probably assume you can see the color.
Roger Peralta: Why does that matter?
Jake: Because the color of the cake tells us if we're having a boy or a girl.
Roger Peralta: How can that baker tell?
Walter Peralta: Because the baker does the test.
Jake: No, the doctor does the test. Then the doctor calls the baker, and the baker makes the cake.
Walter Peralta: Okay, I hate to say this, but can you start over?

Amy: Hey, guys.
Jake: Hey, welcome home. I'd like you to meet my grandpa, Walter.
Amy: It's so nice to meet you.
Walter Peralta: Hello, things are normal here.
Roger Peralta: Yeah, everything's totally normal back here too, behind the chair.
Jake: Yup, and that was a normal thing to say. Are things normal with you, Amy?

Jake: Attention, everyone. Thank you all so much for coming. Please gather around. We're going to cut the cake and find out what our baby's whole downstairs situation is.
Amy: Why the accent?
Jake: I don't know. I did so bad. I should have let you talk.
Amy: Yeah, you should have. I love you.

Jake: I rigged the envelopes so that we could team up.
Captain Holt: But you chose Scully initially.
Jake: Only because I knew as soon as I tried to go first, Rosa would jump in, and then I made sure no one picked our envelopes by marking them with Cheeto thumbprints.
Captain Holt: Oh, so everyone would assume that they were Hitchcock and Scully's. Brilliant. These fools don't stand a chance against us.
Jake: Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they? Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo beat at singing to get into the Olympics. I know nothing about opera.
Captain Holt: No, you're right. Amy's a real Teresa Berganza, huh?

Captain Holt: Oh, someone's making a move.
Jake: That's right. And that someone is us.
Captain Holt: Seems like a pretty sloppy plan.
Jake: You're just saying it's sloppy because you're jealous you didn't think of it. You don't even know what we're doing yet.
Captain Holt: Fog up the room until no one can see and then steal the gems.
Jake: Yeah, but I also got us little booties, so we can move through the room quietly. And I memorized the exact layout of the entire bullpen using a blindfold so follow me.

Jake: This is why you don't team up with a dog.
Captain Holt: It's better than teaming up with Bill like you do every year.
Jake: Bill is a human. He is able to use more than just his mouth.
Bill: Not if you don't want me to.
Jake: Bill, stop chiming in.
Bill: I'm just saying. I'm not that different from a dog.
Jake: You're not helping.

Jake: All right, the heist will pick up where we left off. There are six hours remaining and three teams left. The now-sterilized Infinitude Gems will be placed back into the care of Bill. Oh, wow, Bill, looks like you had a rough four months.
Bill: It was actually a great three months and then one really bad one.
Jake: Okay, but you're here, and you're happier than ever.
Bill: I don't know why you think that.
Jake: Let the heist re-begin!

Captain Holt: Okay, your smoke plan was a disaster.
Jake: Yeah, because your dog ate the gems.
Captain Holt: Because you tripped and dropped them.
Jake: Yeah, because someone put a chair in my way that wasn't supposed to be there.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. Are you accusing me of something?
Jake: Was that not clear? Do you need me to say it in Latin? [in Italian accent] I think you sabotage me.

Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Easter Valentine's Day Halloween heist!