Doug Judy: Why would you pull a heist in the middle of my bachelor party?
Chuck: You pulled a heist during my wedding.
Doug Judy: Shh... he's a cop, man. Come on, chill.
Jake: Judy!

Jake: I'm sorry that I betrayed you, Doug, but I'm a cop. I didn't have a choice. We can still be friends, right?
Doug Judy: I don't know. Did you even illegally download that O-Town album?
Jake: No. I bought it at their concert. Came bundled with a sweatshirt.

Doug Judy: You make me sick.
Trudy Judy: Disgusting.
Jake: Doug! Trudy! Judy's!

Jake: Look, I really feel like I've got what it takes. I'm experienced, I'm hardworking, and I'm unflappable in the face of... [loud booming, crashing sound] [screams] Oh, my God! What was that?

Jake: Or Charles trying to bro out...
[flashback to Charles playing with a football in the bullpen:]
Charles: Hut, think fast, dude. [breaks window]
[present:]
Jake: Or just Terry gently shutting a window and forgetting how strong he is.

Jake: Oh no, the shirt from the Dekalb Street murder.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's the only hard evidence we have. ADA Green's already mad we didn't find anything else.
Captain Holt: Why is this on your desk, Peralta?
Jake: I logged it out for trial, but Officer Howard is the one who got it from the evidence locker. Let's blame him. He's always up to no good.
Officer Howard: What? You don't even know me.
Jake: Yes, I do.
Officer Howard: Then what's my last name?
Jake: ... I thought it was Howard.
Officer Howard: It's Booth. My name is Howard Booth.
Jake: Okay, fine, but just so you know, the only thing I'm gonna remember from this interaction is that you put me on the spot, so...

Captain Holt: Whoever did this was obviously someone Peralta pranked seeking revenge. Who are his recent victims?
[Nearly everyone in the bullpen raises their hand]
Jake: I'm sorry, but I'm the Prankmaster General and I take that role very seriously.

Jake: [siren wails; in a German accent:] Well, well, well. What do we have here? It appears a crime has been committed, and no one will confess.
Amy: Doing a German accent?
Jake: I was going for Belgian, Like in Murder on the Orient Express.
Amy: You sound like a Nazi.
Jake: Okay, not a great note to hear. I'll just use my normal voice.

Charles: Man, this sucks. This case would have been the perfect chance for you to prove to Holt that you deserve that task force.
Jake: Yeah. Maybe it still is. Holt thinks Dillman's the best detective he's ever worked with, so what happens if I solve the case before him? Then I become the best detective Holt has ever worked with, and he has to give me the task force. Dillman thinks he knows everything about me as a person, but there's one thing he doesn't know. I'm about to take him down... Oh, my God, he's staring right at us. Quick, pretend like I was saying something else.
Charles: Yes, Jake, you were young when you lost your virginity.
Jake: Thank you, Charles!

Dillman: Okay, here's what we know. The glitter bomb was placed between 12:20 and 12:55. All the suspects say they were at lunch and have an alibi for that time, which means one of you is lying.
Jake: It was Terry. Thanks for coming by, Dill, but I got it from here. You see, Terrence, I couldn't help but notice you're not wearing suspenders today. Odd, considering suspenders are your entire personality.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seems a little reductive. I had a rough childhood, but I lifted myself up through arts and athletics...
Jake: Ah-buh-buh-buhp. You're the suspenders guy. Something felt fishy, so Jakey went fishing, and I caught me a fat one. And look at that. Terry's suspenders stuffed into his desk drawer, and there's glitter on them. Red glitter. Feels like that deserved an audible gasp.
Charles: [gasps loudly]
Jake: Thank you, Charles. You got messy setting up the prank. You didn't want anyone to see. You put the suspenders in your desk drawer. Case closed.
Rosa: Did you put that folder there just so you could close it?
Jake: Yes, Rosa, obviously.

Dillman: If you were in the break room, why was the IP address of your laptop logged into the Wi-Fi on the fifth floor?
Rosa: Fine. There's an empty office there where I go to be alone.
Dillman: Seems innocent enough. Why would you lie about that? Maybe because you were up there assembling a glitter bomb.
Rosa: [mumbles]
Dillman: I'm sorry, I didn't...
Rosa: I was watching a soap opera. It's called "Drake's Hollow." I never miss an episode. It's my mother's favorite show, and when things were bad between us, it was the one thing that we could still talk about.
Dillman: Oh, that's sweet.
Jake: It is kind of sweet.
Dillman: Sweet enough to fool a lesser detective.
Jake: What... I wasn't fooled. Take her away.

Jake: Just tell us where you were at lunch.
Captain Holt: Well, if you must know, I was having lunch with Boyle.
Jake: [laughs] No way. You two are the second most unlikely. Nine-Nine lunch combination. First is anyone with Hitchcock and Scully. Second is Holt and Charles.
Sergeant Jeffords: It is pretty strange.
Captain Holt: I mean, obviously it was uncomfortable, but it was a work lunch.

Charles: Look, it's not a big deal, guys. We don't have to talk about it.
Captain Holt: I was offering him the task force position. Boyle is my choice.
Jake: Boyle? From work?

Jake: Great, well, if you're turning it down, that means there's still an opportunity for me to solve the case and prove to Holt I belong on the task force.
Dillman: What task force?
Both: [surprised grunt]
Jake: How long have you been here?
Dillman: Just a few seconds. But that was more than enough time for me to ascertain everything about you...
Jake: As a person, yes, we know. No one likes a know-it-all.
Dillman: You're married to one.
Jake: You're married to one.
Dillman: Follow me. I have an important announcement to make.
Both: Dillman.

Dillman: Oh, look. What do we have here... A receipt from Party Zone for one air tank rental paid in cash.
Jake: That's not mine. I never keep my receipts. Amy, tell them. Tell them how much our accountant hates me.
Amy: She hates him so much.