Ramon Calla Vega: Are you Amy?
Jake: [over headset] Tell him "yes."
Amy: Yes.
Jake: How does it feel to be played like a puppet?

Amy: Okay, I'm walking into the apartment. Why did you have me get $400 out of the ATM?
Jake: [over headset] Good question. It's to pay for the Airbnb.
Amy: You're giving them $400 in cash?
Jake: I broke several lamps while trying to hide in the dark. Now, turn on the lights.

Amy: Okay.
Jake: Hello... it's me.
Amy: Put down the drinks.
Jake: Why? Are you upset?
Amy: Yeah, and now I have to take The Syndicate down.
Jake: Oh, my goodness. To be clear, by "take down The Syndicate," you mean we're gonna have-
Amy: We're gonna have sex, yeah.
Jake: Okay.
Amy: Yeah, absolutely. Take your clothes off.

Jake: Well, I don't want to take all the credit, but I'm pretty sure doing it The Jake Way worked and we're getting pregnant.
Amy: That would be incredible, but feels like you're setting us up for disappointment.
Jake: No, I'm just being optimistic. You're amazing, we're amazing, and it definitely worked.
[later:]
Amy: It didn't work.
Jake: Ugh! I knew it. I got bum nards!
Amy: Jake!
Jake: Right, gotta stay optimistic. We can do this!

Amy: I figured out how we're gonna get pregnant.
Jake: By doubling down on The Jake Way? Ooh, do you think we could rent the phone booth from the movie "Phone Booth"?

Amy: Okay, basal body temp is optimal. Let's do this quickly.
Jake: Oh, Amy, I'm not some faucet you can just turn on and off. You gotta romance me. [Amy unbuttons her shirt] Faucet's on! Let's ud!

Jake: The Hitchcock Way is exactly what we needed, you know? These last six months have actually been pretty hard.
Amy: Mm, no! Hitchcock doesn't dwell on the past. Hitchcock forgets about the past because of the spots on his brain!
Jake: Yes. To brain spots! [glasses clink]
Both: Oh! Cinnamon schnapps!
Jake: Barkeep, another round of drink roulette.

Amy: Someone's here. This is too public!
Jake: I mean, it wouldn't stop Hitchcock, but fine. I know a secret spot.
[Amy and Jake sneak into the dark supply closet. They stumble]
Jake: What was that? What am I feeling right now?
Amy: Huh?
Jake: Are those all your little hands?
[As Amy turns the light on, they realize they're surrounded by guinea pigs. They both scream. Then they notice the CPR babies, they both scream again]

Jake: There you are. You didn't wake me up when you left this morning.
Amy: I tried. You said, "I'm dead." Leave me. Find someone new."
Jake: Yeah, I'm pretty hungover. Look, last night wasn't great, but I think I know why. We were trying to do it like Hitchcock when we should have been trying to do it like Boris, the man who actually impregnated Hitchcock's wife. So I found him on Facebook and...

Jake: I think maybe it's just a thing we can't control.
Amy: That is my least favorite kind of thing.
Jake: I know.
Amy: I really wanted to start a family.
Jake: Amy, we are a family. You and me. So, you know, we can keep trying or look into IVF or adoption or if we want, we can forget about the whole thing. But if we're together, I'm happy no matter what.

Doug Judy: Private jet to Miami, baby!
Jake: And there's a red carpet!
Doug Judy: Forget the red carpet. Private jet!
Jake: Yes, and a jet! The jet is better. Miami, here we come!
Doug Judy: Whoo!

Doug Judy: I want you to meet the guys. This is Nathan, Josh, and Chuck. This is my buddy, Sean, from prison. How's it going, fellas?
Chuck: I've never heard you mention Sean before.
Jake: Yeah, well like he said, I just got out of jail. Five years.
Chuck: Tough sentence. What'd you do?
Jake: Elder abuse. Got my grandpa good, so...
Chuck: Damn, that's very upsetting.
Jake: Damn straight it is.
Doug Judy: Elder abuse?
Jake: I was trying to think of something that wouldn't inspire any follow-up questions.

Doug Judy: The outfit's beautiful, but it doesn't really say, "Miami."
Jake: What does say, "Miami?"
[Jake, Doug Judy and his friends emerge from the private jet wearing pastel shirts, gold chains, straw trilby hats and loose khaki pants]
Jake: Are you sure this is culturally okay for me?
Doug Judy: We're gonna find out.
Jake: All right.

Doug Judy: And Jake is here because he's my friend and he really wanted to come.
Trudy Judy: No, he's up to something. He's probably here to arrest Chuck.
Jake: I would never arrest Chuck... but, I mean, why'd you say that? What did Chuck do?
Trudy Judy: Wow, cops always be copping.
Jake: That's not true. I do bad things. One time I illegally downloaded an O-Town album!
Doug Judy: Dang, that's one of the hardest boy bands.
Jake: Exactly, they're scary.

Trudy Judy: Now I'ma go out there and help your fedora-wearing Jason Mraz-looking ass, okay?
Jake: I think I look like Andy Garcia in this hat.
Doug Judy: You look like Seth Green.
Jake: Seth Green?
Trudy Judy: No, Tom Green.
Doug Judy: Tom Green.
Trudy Judy: You're thinking of Tom Green.
Jake: Tom Green? No, go back to Jason Mraz.