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Quote from the episode The Tattler

Jake: I've got a sweet job, and a super-smart, incredible wife. Tonight's gonna be awesome. Right, Gina?
Gina: Damn straight! DD-
Jake: C!
Gina: DD-
Jake: C!
Gina: DD-
Jake: C!

Quote from the episode Ticking Clocks

Rosa: She's leaving town for two weeks. I want to send flowers to her hotel room.
Jake: Aww, that's sweet. I wish Amy would send me flowers.

Quote from the episode Sicko

Monica: Excuse me, is there ice yet?
Jake: Oh, I'm sorry. I don't work here. I'm a police officer.
Monica: Well, then I'd like to lodge a formal complaint. There hasn't been ice here for days and everyone knows my wine coolers are supposed to be served chilled.
Jake: You're an adult. Why are you drinking wine coolers?
Monica: Because I'm on vacation.
Jake: Okay. Well, I'll mention the ice.
Monica: Thanks. Pig.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Dotty: Excuse me, my apartment is on the seventh floor, and the elevator isn't working. I'm getting cold.
Jake: Well, we're headed back to our precinct. There's emergency power if you want to wait there for the lights to come back on.
Charles: I'll get in back.
Dotty: I'm Dorothy, but my friends call me Dotty. Although these days there are fewer and fewer of them.
Jake: Charles? Uh, this is great, Dotty, but we're kind of in a hurry. My wife just went into labor and I want to get there in time for the birth.
Dotty: Why? The only man in the room should be the doctor.
Jake: Okay.
Dotty: All the dad needs to do is to make the money and have a nice, thick belt for when it's time to teach him a lesson.
Russ: My dad hit me with a belt. Soon as I got big enough, I shot him.
Jake: Wow, what a fun group for this, the most important day of my life.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Jake: Ugh, we haven't moved. Why is there so much traffic? Stupid Uber, New York used to be a paradise of open road.
Charles: Try the siren again. [siren blares]
Dotty: In my day, people respected police.
Jake: They respect us; they just have nowhere to go.
Dotty: God knows they won't go back to their own country.
Jake: Dotty, I really wish you weren't such a big part of my son's birth story.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Charles: We should walk. It's only 27 blocks, it's gotta be faster than this.
[cut to Dotty tottering with a walker along the sidewalk:]
Charles: I mean, it's a little bit faster.
Jake: Is it? Hey, Dotty, just weighing our options here. Have you ever been worn like a backpack?

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Woman: [o.s.] Help, help!
Charles: Jake, we don't have time. We'll call it in. Let someone else handle it.
Jake: No, we can't ignore a cry for help. We can handcuff him to the railing Dotty, call out if you need anything.
Dotty: I'd feel safer if you just shot him.
Jake: Dotty, no. We're not gonna shoot him!

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Jake: Thanks for letting us hijack your bachelorette party.
Kayla: Oh, it's what we do. We're, like, so random.
Briana: Yeah, in Red Bank, where we're from, everyone's like, "Uh-oh, here comes trouble."
Kayla: Wait, we have to stop.
Jake: No, no, no... no stopping. Why are we stopping?
Kayla: I lost both my shoes back there. I gotta go find them. [yelps] Update. I still have one shoe on, but I think I broke my ankle. But I'm gonna still try to find the other one.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Charles: Guys, this is taking way too long. When she gets back, we have to pedal faster.
Russ: Sorry, I have a gunshot wound in my leg.
Dotty: It didn't even hit bone, you sissy.
Briana: Oh, if you're in pain, here have some of this. It's bubblegum flavored gin.
Russ: I can't. I'm two years sober.
Jake: What? No you're not. You got drunk and crashed into the power plant.
Russ: Yeah, that was a relapse. I fell off the wagon.
Jake: Okay, so you're clearly lying, which means... you planted the bottle of vodka.
Charles: Which means the crash wasn't an accident.
Jake: And you caused the blackout on purpose, why?
Russ: I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank too much and that was... [screams] She's fingering my wound!
Dotty: Tell us what you're up to.
Russ: The banks! We're hitting all the banks on Union.
Charles: Dotty, stop. Please let go.
Jake: Dotty, that's against the law.
Dotty: I am the law.
Jake: What made you like this?

Quote from the episode Old School

Jake: Oh, my whole body has dry mouth.

Quote from the episode Jake and Sophia

Sophia: What, you think John Adams was just some idiot?
Jake: No, I think John Adams was a mini-series I didn't watch because it looked like a book.

Quote from the episode Two Turkeys

Jake: I think your feathers are ripping. Gobble.
Charles: Gobble.

Quote from the episode Two Turkeys

Jake: I knew you'd say that, which is why we have this. A list of things they have in common. We can use it to grease the conversation.
Amy: Ooh, convo grease. This is perfect. Okay, our dads both golf. Our mom's both paint. All four of them have hair.
Jake: Yeah, but that's bottom of the barrel stuff. We're not gonna have to use that.

Quote from the episode Game Night

Rosa: Hey. Was that weird earlier?
Jake: You mean when Charles showed us those pictures of Nikolaj taking a very sudsless bath? Yes, it was uncomfortable.

Quote from the episode Game Night

Jake: This is nice. I can't believe you're buying me dinner.
Rosa: Oh, well, you really helped me today.
Jake: Did I? I felt like I sorta straight-splained how to come out to you.

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