Jake: Another helpful hint.
Captain Holt: Goodbye.
Jake: It's learning!

Amy: What's going on in there?
Hotel worker: An auction of Greek antiquities.
Jake: Ah, I believe it's pronounced "antiques".
Amy: I'm sorry about my partner.
He's never been to a museum.
Jake: Have so.
Amy: Wax museums don't count.
Jake: Then why are they called museums? It's right there in the name.

Jake: Irwin, how would you like the honour of being the first man to undress in front of Amy Santiago?

Jake: We still have to process the perp. You love processing. It's your favorite thing, after organizing your emails and replacing toilet paper rolls.

Captain Holt: Hello, Peralta.
Jake: Ah, a human greeting. Nicely done.

Jake: Ah, Santiago. Before you go in there, there's something I have to say. I'm sorry I said you were a bad partner. I was the bad partner. The truth is, our job isn't always great. I mean, sometimes it sucks. But it sucks a little less when I get to do it with you. So when you said you were gonna leave, I freaked out, and that was dumb. I should've been more supportive. You're a great Detective, and they'd be lucky to have you. In fact, if it helps, I wrote you a letter of recommendation, which is riddled with spelling errors, I might add. Including the word, "recommendation," which is just... I don't have to tell you about that. There's no way there's four "m"s in that word, right?

Captain Holt: Do you have a murder suspect to question?
Jake: He is in the interrogation room as we speak, sitting and, I assume, stewing. I put on a song that I think sums up his situation nicely.
[in the interrogation room, Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe" plays]
Jake: Because, you see-
Captain Holt: You got him, babe. I understood the wordplay, yes.

The Vulture: Hey, Peralta. I got it from here.
Jake: All right, fine. I'll just go then- With this fully signed confession. We did it, Gus!
Gus: Whoo! Suck it, Vulture. I killed that guy and his neighbor, but you were too late.
Jake: Whoo! Wait, you killed his neighbor?

Jake: NYPD.
Mlepnos: Yes? Mlepnos.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Amy: NYPD, sir. Have you seen anything unusual today?
Mlepnos: Oh, no. This was nice, thank you.

Jake: The thief's name is Benjamin Disanto. Here's an old mug shot. He's surprisingly photogenic. A lot of criminals are, strangely.

Jake: Good afternoon, sir, I'm Detective Peralta. This is Detective always-stays-loyal. She's named after her father Alvin stays-loyal.

Jake: Hello, everyone. My name is Roger Strikewell, and I will be your guest auctioneer this evening. So many faces to look at. I won a radio contest, and I'm so excited to be here tonight to sell you all of these cool, old, Greek things. Our first item up for bid is lot number 344. It is this old "vase," "vahs" if you're nasty. It was made in the year five and depicts the classic Greek fable: Boy meets girl, boy has goat legs. And on the back, just a whole bunch of wheat. So let's start the bidding at $10. [all hands go up] Okay, started it way too low.

Adam Sandler: This is terrible you don't know what you're doing.
Jake: Adam Sandler?
Adam Sandler: Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian revolution.
Jake: Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?
Adam Sandler: Ha, ha. It's a serious movie. Trotsky.
Jake: Ah, there it is.
Adam Sandler: But he's got a wife who never wears a bra. I think you're gonna like it.
Jake: Thanks for dressing up, by the way.

Adam Sandler: New item up there. How much you guys wanna pay for me to stick my socks in this moron's mouth?
Joe Theismann: I will.
Jake: Did football legend Joe Theismann just bid $1,000 to put a sock in my mouth?
Joe Theismann: You bet.

Joe Theismann: My leg! My leg! You broke my other leg.
Jake: Uh.
Joe Theismann: Oh, this was supposed to be a safe event.
Jake: Nothing to see here. Except for the bone, sticking out of the leg.
Adam Sandler: Joe, I video'd it!