Jake: Adult parties? I believe they're called orgies.

Jake: It's from the finest vinyard in Arkansas.
Aww, samesies!

Party guest: There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.
Amy: Amen.
Jake: There isn't?!

Jake: Yes, great humor words, Raymond.

Jake: All books and no magazines. What kind of crappy library's full of books? A crap library. All of the magazines are in the bathroom. Great solve Peralta.

Captain Holt: Can I help you?
Jake: Argh. Captain, I didn't hear you silently sneak up on me.

Jake: I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.

Jake: Ah, Captain Holt. You look very ... sad? I can never tell.

Jake: Amy, check it out.
Amy: Nice! You got it framed?
Jake: Of course. It commemorates our victory over the Vulture, the greatest day in human history. Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of Ghostbusters.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Jake: See, Amy, fun thing about working cases, you meet people from all over the world.
Mlepnos: This song is a celebration song for when a dog loses its virginity.
Jake:[chuckling] Who checks that?

Jake: Fire Marshall Boone, we meet again.
Boone: Detective Peralta. Your fly's down. I made you look.
Jake: I didn't look and I'm wearing shorts. There is no fly.
Boone: That's not what your mom said.
Jake: You make no sense.
Boone: And now I'm inside your head.

Jake: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
Captain Holt: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Jake: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
Captain Holt: I pity your dentist.
Jake: Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

Jake: Come on, we only have three minutes. It's like you're not even trying to confess!

Captain Holt: Brief me on the hotel robberies.
Jake: Helpful hint to the scientists that program you. Most humans say "Hello" at the beginning of a conversation.