Jake: Well, I got to say, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The football game's not on so I can still watch it later at home, and it's kind of cool to visit a time before electricity was invented.

Jake: Seriously, why are you dragging Sal's Pizza through the mud? That place is special.
Captain Holt: Why's it special?
Jake: Because it's the best pizza in the neighborhood!
Charles: Well ...

Rosa: How much time do we have?
Jake: Scully ate his pot pie thirty minutes ago so we probably got ten minutes left on this nap. Twelve if he's turkey tired.

Jake: You can just make it out to "Death Wish." That's what everyone calls me 'cause I'm always first through the door.
Amy: You go through doors normally, and everyone calls you "Pineapples."
Jake: My grandma calls me "Pineapples", and I regret telling you that.

Jake: Quick question, sir. You know how we've been trading favors back and forth, and it's your turn to give me one?
Captain Holt: None of that is true.
Jake: Yeah, I know.

Amy: Look who's here. How was your night of old school drinking? Hmm? Pretty hungover?
Jake: Shh. Turn off your mouth siren.

Jake: Just promise me you won't use the condoms in the secret pocket of your purse, okay? They're expired.
Amy: How do you know what's in my purse?
Jake: I needed concealer for a zit!

Jake: I can't believe you live nearby, and you won't let anyone crash at your place.
Rosa: You people already know too much about me.
Jake: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won't let any of us crash at your place.

Jake: A couple of quick announcements. First, I met our night janitor, Ronald. If any of you are missing hand sanitizer: he drank it!

Jake: Captain, hi. I was just photo-copying some stuff.
Captain Holt: Are you trying to jam pigeons into my air conditioning vent to flush me out of my office?
Jake: Way to ruin the surprise.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, Jake, I love you like you're one of my daughters.
Jake: Really?

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Charles: What is all this?
Amy: You know how I think Halloween is for jerks? Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk. I'm sorry about tonight.
Jake: "I'm sorry about tonight." We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape!

Captain Holt: Climbing the side of the building with a blowtorch? What were you thinking?
Jake: I was thinking I had better core strength. I got winded like ten feet up.

Jake: I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor, then sell my life rights to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film.