Captain Holt: The LACMI server holds clearance-protected information, including the names of our undercover agents. If it's compromised, people could lose their lives.
Jake: Okay, but isn't the server secure?
Sergeant Knox: Yes, but the hacker's already used an ARP to resolve the host name with the DNS server.
Jake: Uh-huh. ARP. DNS. Totally following what you're saying.
Sergeant Knox: Right now, they're trying to get root access by connecting the OSI network to the data-link.
Jake: You know, I'm a bit of a computer nerd myself, but could you, maybe dumb it down a bit for my friends here?
Sergeant Knox: They're almost through our defenses. If we can't stop them, they'll be inside of our server in 19 minutes.
Jake: Mama Magglione.

Jake: A countdown clock, green text on a black background: we are in full-on action-movie mode. Now all I need is my no-nonsense captain to tell me to focus, because time is running out.
Captain Holt: Peralta.
Jake: Yes?
Captain Holt: You have something in your teeth. It's, uh, quite off-putting.
Jake: What? No. "Time is running out." I fed you your line. No one ever has something in their teeth in a movie. Watch a movie, stupid Holt.

Sergeant Knox: Damn it, I tried to remove the server from the chain, but the hacker blocked the protocol.
Jake: Why don't you just unplug it? That's what I do any time I'm having computer trouble. And also I code a lot. Java, mainframe. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Captain Holt: Let's mobilize. Nobody in or out of the building without authorization. Check every inch of every floor. And, Jake.
Jake: Oh, let me guess. It's on another tooth now. Is it somehow on my face?
Captain Holt: No, what I was going to say is, we only have 15 minutes left. You need to focus, because time is running out.
Jake: Oh, yeah. That's what the F I'm talking about. Thank you, sir.

Charles: What's happening?
Sergeant Knox: I think the hacker just opened the holding cell.
Jake: Mama Magglione.

Jake: We still haven't found the hacker, but the cyber guy is getting close.
Amy: Okay, let's check in with Holt.
Jenna Pazhley: Hold on to him, girl. He seems pretty sweet, and you guys are like both sevens.
Jake: Oh, come on.

Captain Holt: What is that?
Sergeant Knox: We just got an NOS ping from the first floor. The hacker is in room 103.
Jake: [gasps] Mama Magglione.

Jake: Why aren't you guys on your way to the airport?
Jocelyn: Oh, I'm gonna miss my flight, but it's worth it. It means a lot that Rosa bailed on all this just for me.
Jake: Aww.
Captain Holt: You did what, Diaz?
Jake: Now, sir, I told her it was okay. If you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at me.
Captain Holt: Okay, I am mad at you.
Jake: What? No. I didn't think you were really gonna be mad. That's that backfired. Be mad at Rosa.

Scully: Look at this bread. It's completely inedible. There's not even any soft parts in the middle we can pull out.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?

Jake: Oh, no. She is an Ungerbert.

Jake: I want you to stay calm and just try to keep all of your blood inside your body.
Gina: Bitch, what do you think I'm doing?
Jake: Yeah, I don't know why I said that.

Jake: All right, but for real, though. Are we doing this?
Captain Holt: We're doing this.
Charles: Heist!
Jake: Heist!
Sergeant Jeffords: Heist!
Hitchcock: It's a Cinco de Mayo heist!
Jake: A Cinco de Mayo heist makes just as much sense as Halloween. Let's do it!

Jake: But the point is, I planned everything, starting with Scully's bracelet. It had to be the prize because I have prepared the greatest reveal in heist history. Allow me to introduce you to Other Scully.
Earl: Hi, I'm Earl, Norm's twin brother.
Jake: [MIMICKING EXPLOSION]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why's Scully never mentioned he had a twin before?
Jake: Because no one talks about their siblings with coworkers.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've told you about my brother Lawrence.
Jake: Nope, and I don't want to learn about him and I already forgot his name. Now let's go. It's time to heist.

Jake: Well, that's terrifying. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to hide the old bracelet and win me this heist.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't you mean win us this heist?
Jake: Oh, Terrence, unfortunately I do not.
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell?
Jake: Sorry, Sarge. It had to be this way.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?
Jake: The banner only has my name on it. It's really all about the banner. It unfurls by a voice command. But I promise that I will mention both you and Earl Scully in my victory speech.
Scully: Wait, Earl's here?
Jake: Yeah. He helped us with the heist.
Scully: I told that son of a bitch never to show his face in New York again!
Jake: Oh! Why are you running towards the glass?
Scully: [GLASS SHATTERS] You're a dead man, Earl!
Jake: That's not great.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're a dead man, Jake!
Jake: Uh, that's much worse.

Sergeant Jeffords: He has the bracelet! We grabbed Mr. Hootsworth from Cheddar and swapped it for a fake!
Jake: Wow, Terry, my betrayals were all in good fun, but this really hurts.
Captain Holt: Cheddar, bring me Mr. Hootsworth. It's an updated model. The bowtie is Turkish blue instead of Egyptian blue. [to Cheddar] How could you not have noticed this?
Jake: Because he's a dog. And at the end of the day a dog is no match for Jake Peralta.
Rosa: Well yours is a fake, too. Turkish blue bowtie.
Jake: Oh, come on! The one time I say out loud I'm smarter than a dog?