Pam: Stay where you are!
Jake: The man told me that when I got the bomb set, I should text him with this phone and if anything went wrong, I should push this button.
Jake: No, no, no, no! You don't want to do that.
Pam: Yes, I do. I have to.
Jake: Well, there's only one thing to do when two people have diametrically opposing opinions on a subject. Structured debate.
Pam: What?
Jake: Yeah, I just learned about it. All right, I will argue the negative: I don't want to blow up. And you can argue the affirmative: you do want to blow up, which I have to say, Pam, is a very tough stance to take.

Jake: Maybe we can grab some Thai food and brainstorm baby names?
Amy: Ooh, I like that.
Jake: Now, I am a fan of the show "American Gladiators." How do you feel about the name Blaze Peralta?
Amy: Not great.
Jake: What about Laser?
Amy: No.
Jake: Nitro?
Amy: No.
Jake: Viper?
Amy: No.
Jake: Atlas?
Amy: Ooh, I do love atlases.
Jake: Mm, common ground.

Jake: So what's going on? Why'd you want to meet in private?
Kevin: I need your help with a case. Three antique coins were stolen from my classics department at Columbia.
Jake: So why not ask Captain Holt for help on the case? Wait, are you guys getting a divorce? I can handle it. This doesn't bring up any weird issues for me.

Kevin: No, it's nothing like that. Raymond's a brilliant detective. It's just when a case involves me, he can get a little overemotional. You remember the safe house.
Jake: Oh, yeah, he went crazy.
Kevin: But I also remember you and me becoming best friends and watching every Nic Cage movie ever made. Can you still quote them all?
Kevin: No, I purged myself of that nonsense.
Jake: Oh, I bet it's still in there.
Kevin: It's not.
Jake: We'll see.
Kevin: We won't.
Jake: There's a chance it's in there.
Kevin: Chance of zero.
Jake: I'd put money that maybe it's there.
Kevin: You're losing your money.
Jake: Okay.

Jake: Good afternoon, class. Allow me to make my first point.
Kevin: Very impressive.
Jake: Thank you very much, Kevin. But I do have five additional points to make. Chair, chair, wall, chair, Captain Holt. Captain Holt? No.

Captain Holt: The problem is, is that I get flustered and defensive because I know how they all see me: as Kevin's working-class bimbo.
Jake: I can't imagine that's what they think.
Kevin: It is.
Jake: Really?

Jake: Sir, wait. Oh! Wasn't expecting to catch up to you so fast. I don't know what to say now. I thought I was gonna have more running time to formulate it. Oh, I know! I'm sorry that we kept the case a secret from you.
Captain Holt: Oh, I understand why you did. The truth is, ever since I met Kevin, I've felt insecure in his world. I can't compete with these highly educated academics. I worry every day that I'll make one St. Augustine slip too many, and he'll realize I'm beneath him.
Jake: This is insane. You're the smartest person I know.
Captain Holt: I'll explain it to you. Among Kevin's peers, I'm a Jake.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no. I refuse to live in a world where you're the Jake, because if you're the Jake, what does that make me? The Charles?
Captain Holt: The Hitchcock.
Jake: The Hitchcock? Oh, my God. You dropped down so many more levels than I was expecting.

Jake: Okay, well, let's not give up all hope just yet. We do know some things. For example, the perp entered using a key, which means they probably work here.
And they knew enough to skip past all these expensive-looking artifacts. They walked straight up to this shelf and grabbed the coin case from up there.
Captain Holt: It's too high. You can't reach it.
Jake: Exactly. So now we know that the thief was taller than me. That's a good lead. Also, we know they were a little bit of a freak, since I am above average height according to the 1940 census.
Captain Holt: I didn't realize you had a thing about your height.
Jake: I don't! Because I'm above average. Why would I have a thing about my height when I'm above average? It doesn't make any sense. [snorting laugh] Anyways, we're looking for an insanely tall perp, a real Shaq type.

Jake: I know Dean Allister humiliated us, but we can still have our revenge. I watched a ton of horny '80s comedies when I was a kid, and they're filled with ways of getting back at mean deans. So we are gonna throw the wildest party this campus has ever seen.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: Okay, then we'll have a bikini car wash.

Captain Holt: Allister planted the coin in Professor Port's desk. They're rivals.
Jake: Mm.
Captain Holt: Did you see the book Allister was holding back there? A biography of Macedonian general Parmenion. He was taunting us.
Jake: Again, I'm the Hitchcock here. You're gonna have to connect the dots for me.

Jake: These college kids. I used to wear long-sleeve T-shirts under my short-sleeve T-shirts. Wait a minute, I still could.

Dean Wesley Allister: Oh, Raymond. Look around. These shoes I'm wearing with their "unique footprint", we all have them. They were the departmental gift this Christmas. They're actually very funny. They have Achilles printed on the heel.
Jake: I don't know if I would call that "very" funny.

Jake: Okay, so those guys look down on you. So what? I mean, Amy's parents look down on me. They talk about me right in front of my face in Spanish because they don't think I'm smart enough to learn another language, but I've been taking classes, and now I can understand all the hurtful things they've been saying.
Captain Holt: And how did that help?
Jake: Well, now I know they think I'm short and I was able to do some research and find that 1940s census that proves I'm above average in height.
Captain Holt: For 1940.
Jake: Yeah, I'm taller than the greatest generation. It doesn't matter.

Rosa: Why is it taking Holt and this I.T. guy so long to fix the Internet? One Police Plaza sent him an hour ago.
Jake: Huh. Why does Holt look so worried?
Rosa: What are you talking about? He looks exactly like he always does.
Jake: To you, perhaps, but I finally learned how to read his emotions. His lips are slightly pursed, and he's blinking at eight-second intervals as opposed to his normal 10. [gasps] Oh, my God. He's having a meltdown.
Rosa: "Meltdown" seems excessive.
Jake: Yeah, it's a meltdown. Mark my words.

Captain Holt: This is Sergeant Knox. From Cyber Operations. He's discovered the reason for our network issues. A hacker is attempting to break into our servers.
Sergeant Knox: Not all of them. Just the LACMI server.
Rosa: Well, that's good.
Jake: No, Captain Holt's nostril just twitched. It's bad.
Captain Holt: It's devastating.
Rosa: Props again.
Jake: Thanks, again.