Jake: So I joke about my father so much to avoid processing all the pain he's caused me.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Yes. You are doing such great work here.
Jake: I'm really feeling it.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Yeah. Now, I'm sorry, but our session is coming to a close.
I guess I'll have to bill your widow.
Jake: Wow, that is cold-blooded, but I got to hand it to you, it's a pretty dope kill line. Unfortunately, no one will be billed, though. Isn't that right, Charles?
Charles: Hi, Dr. Tate!
Dr. Frederick Tate: What? How did he-
Jake: Told you I could text without looking at my phone.

Jake: Oh, man, I am so glad you got my message with the location. Pretty impressive, right?
Charles: Well, actually, you just texted a bunch of crazy, weird, random letters. It made me concerned, so I tracked your phone.
Jake: Well, still pretty good. I found you in my contacts.
Charles: It went to Amy. She forwarded it to me.
Jake: It worked. Let's stop talking about it.

Amy: Hey, what's up? I came as fast as I could.
Jake: Title of your sex tape. Nailed it.

Amy: So, a full year of marriage. What was your favorite part?
Jake: [gasps] Are you asking me to do a marriage highlight reel countdown ala "NBA Inside Stuff"?
Amy: I mean, that's not exactly what I was-
Jake: Number five! Ahmad Rashad. It's my best impression. Number five was the time that we accidentally got our contact lenses switched. I got to see the world through your eyes.
Amy: But our prescriptions are different, and the world was so blurry.
Jake: Yeah, it was crazy. I thought I was having a stroke.

Amy: Okay, number two. This might be my favorite moment of our entire time as a couple: January 6th.
Jake: Eddie Redmayne's birthday.
Amy: Why do you know that?
Jake: 'Cause he was weird in "Jupiter Ascending."
Amy: Oh, yeah.
Jake: I'm just a fan.
Amy: Yeah, that's not what I'm talking about.

Jake: Yeah, because she's a patient here. I'm assuming, because of your gown.
Pam: I am. I have a twisted bowel. I have a tube; I have a bag. Do you want to see?
Amy: Oh, no, no, no. But thank you, Pam.
Pam: Let me know if you smell anything. I don't even notice it anymore.
Jake: Well, I'm pretty sure I actually already smell something.
Pam: No, you'll know.

Nurse Janet: You're playing music in here? You can't do that.
Jake: Why not, Nurse Janet? Is it gonna distract the doctors?
Nurse Janet: Yes, that's exactly what it'll do.
Jake: Okay, fine, I'll turn it off immediately.

Amy: I don't understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.
Jake: We did?
[flashback:]
Amy: Aw, look at these pictures my brother sent of Matthew.
Jake: Mm.
Amy: We should do this someday. What do you think?
Jake: Are you kidding me? Of course.
[present:]
Jake: I was talking about going to the water park. You were talking about having kids?
Amy: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" And you said, "We'll start saving right away."
Jake: So let me get this straight. All that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?
Amy: Yeah. Why would you want to spend that much money on a water park?

Captain Holt: Peralta, you can present the first argument from your, uh [scoffs] scribbled list of feelings.
Jake: I'll have you know that I have some data-driven arguments as well. According to a study I read, people with kids were less likely to report that they were happy in their lives than people without kids. Now, call me crazy, but being happy tends to make me feel, uh, pretty happy.
Amy: Where did you read this study?
Jake: Well, it wasn't something I read so much as told about.
Amy: And who told you about it?
Jake: Hitchcock.
Amy: Hitchcock?
Jake: Yeah.
Amy: That seems like a pretty intellectual thing for him to mention. What was the context?
Jake: He had invested in a NuvaRing competitor called Vag-a-Plug and was practicing his sales pitch on me.
Amy: This is your first argument? Your opening statement?
[bell dings]
Captain Holt: Point to Amy.

Jake: Yeah, but not just him. It's every male authority figure from my entire life.
[flashback to Jake working at a video rental store]
Craig: Hey, Jake, can you move "Legends of the Fall" from new releases into drama?
Jake: You got it, Dad.
[present:]
Jake: Craig was only six weeks older than me.

Amy: I get it. You're scared. I can't change that.
Jake: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'll never change how I feel about it. I mean, I used to be scared of sushi, and now it's my favorite food. I got tuna sashimi from a pharmacy the other day.
Amy: You shouldn't have.
Jake: Yeah, it was very warm. I got so sick.

Jake: That's not a lot of time, Ames. I mean, that doesn't seem totally fair.
Amy: Well, now you know how I feel. Women don't have the luxury of waiting till we're 60 and then changing our minds and getting remarried and having a baby with some dumb 28-year-old.
Jake: Oh, come on. There's no way I'm gonna be rich enough that a 28-year-old is gonna want to be with me. Did that help?

Jake: I don't want to watch kids' movies. I want to watch movies for adults. Adults and teens.

Jake: Okay, Pam, I'm gonna cut you off, but it's not because I'm not interested.
Pam: I'm sorry, I'm nervous. I get chatty when I get nervous. This man who gave you the bomb, did he happen to mention whether or not it's on a timer or if there's a remote detonator?
Pam: I don't know. I'm terrible with electronics. I wish my son Bobby were here. He taught me how to iPad.
Jake: Okay, I also know how to iPad, so maybe I could take a look.

Pam: Stay where you are!
Jake: The man told me that when I got the bomb set, I should text him with this phone and if anything went wrong, I should push this button.
Jake: No, no, no, no! You don't want to do that.
Pam: Yes, I do. I have to.
Jake: Well, there's only one thing to do when two people have diametrically opposing opinions on a subject. Structured debate.
Pam: What?
Jake: Yeah, I just learned about it. All right, I will argue the negative: I don't want to blow up. And you can argue the affirmative: you do want to blow up, which I have to say, Pam, is a very tough stance to take.