Jake: Well, let's bust out the polygraph.
Charles: Lie detector truth or dare.
Jake: No. Boyle, last time we did that, you ended up telling everyone you had a crush on the tea pot from Beauty and the Beast.
Charles: It's the way they drew her.

Charles: Thing is, it's so hard to talk at work because there's no privacy. The roof is freezing, the holding cell is full of perps, and their romantic advice is not great. It's always to tell Vivian, "bitch, get your life right!" I tried it. She did not like it.

Captain Holt: Do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist?
Jake: Yes.
Captain Holt: I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun.
Jake: Oh, my God.
Captain Holt: I've mastered all the moves. [Shows photos on phone] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle.
Jake: Why are you telling me this?
Captain Holt: Because no one will ever believe you. [Deletes photos from phone]
Jake: You sick son of a bitch.

Sergeant Jeffords: Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Jake: (Scoffs) No.
Technician: Lie.
Jake: All right, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.
Sergeant Jeffords: She makes all of us feel things!

Sergeant Jeffords: Bad news. I only found his wife, and she hasn't heard from him in eight years.
Jake: That doesn't sound good.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, that's why I started by saying, "Bad News". Terry believes in having a clear topic sentence.

Amy: I may be a liar, but I've got great teeth and no one can take that from me.
Dentist: Have you heard of over-brushing?
Amy: Oh, no.
Dentist: Your aggressive technique has stripped away the protective enamel and much of your gum. You have seven cavities.
Captain Holt: I have to say. I feel like you deserve this.

Gina: What? No. Babylon's the best thing in my life. And I have a very full life. Do you know I know Papa John? The Papa John.
Rosa: Someone is lying to you.

Amy: Hello, Captain, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. I've lapsed into song lyrics.

Jake: Good news, sergeant. I figured out what we're gonna work on this weekend.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm working on spending time with my family. We're having a fancy tea party. I am the king of Origami napkins.

Jake: What's the best moment of your life?
Sergeant Jeffords: My wedding day, tied with the day my babies were born.
Jake: Compared to this, those memories will be garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't know what you're saying.
Jake: Because I'm not married and I don't have kids, right?

Sergeant Jeffords: That case almost killed us.
Jake: But I'm on a hot streak. Plus, we're better detectives now. We're smarter. Computers are faster. No more Blockbuster. Drones. I'm feeling it.

Rosa: Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, Scully?
Scully: I thought they'd make good confetti.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

Rosa: Gina, enough. Boyle needed the bathroom so we told him about it. Just like I told you when you needed it. Leave him alone. He saved my life. Plus, he's pitiful and his life is crap right now.
Charles: Yeah, it is. Thank you, Rosa.

Jake: I have not slept in since I last saw you many hours. Plus, I think I'm hallucinating, because your I'm pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, that's possible. My biceps mock a lot of people.

Jake: I found a cold case of ours that everyone foolishly said was unsolvable. Case 52ABX DASH 32QJ.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, case 52ABX DASH 32QJ is unsolvable.
Jake: Or maybe case 52ABX DASH 32QJ is waiting for someone to de-unsolve it.
Scully: What's case 52ABX DASH 32QJ?
Jake: Case 52ABX ...we gotta find a way to abbreviate this thing.

Charles: Talking to Vivian. We're still trying to figure out if we should move to Canada. It's awful. Thank God, it hasn't affected how much we bathe together.
Rosa: Almost never?
Charles: All the time.

Gina: Okay, but if you do lie, you can't go wrong with dental emergency. Or death of a triplet. Now, that one you can use twice. Smart.

Jake: A real man doesn't run from a challenge. I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. That's the whole point of it.
Jake: Seriously? That seems lame.

Rosa: We put a lot effort into making this place nice. Look, weird crystals.

Captain Holt: This took a lot of hard work and a lot of late nights. Take the weekend off, Perlata.
Jake: Thank you. You know, I actually might. I'm severely sleep deprived and I'm way behind on laundry.

Charles: Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college playing field hockey.
Sergeant Jeffords: Men's field hockey?
Charles: Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.

Jake: So he didn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.
Gina: He's in a fight club.

Amy: What are you doing this weekend?
Jake: Oh, opposite of the Berkshires. Workshires. Working. Whole weekend. Fighting crime.
Scully: I thought you were taking the weekend off to do your laundry.
Jake: Does crime take the weekend off to do its laundry, Scully?
Scully: No, it doesn't. Sorry.

Gina: No, it's not okay. Babylon hath fallen. Charles betrayed us and I will make him pay for it.

Charles: If I was a unicorn, I'd never be angry.

Jake: Now I'm telling my friend how you killed that guy.
Perp: It was for love.
Jake: Cool motive. Still murder.

Amy: Dental emergency. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled.
Captain Holt: Wow. You must be in a lot of pain.
Amy: Yeah. I've been in pain for days.
Captain Holt: I had no idea you were living like this.
Amy: No one knows. I am a rock. I am an island. I have lapsed into song lyrics again.

Captain Holt: My brother-in-law is one of the top oral surgeons in the quint-state area.
Amy: That's two better than the tri-state.

Charles: Since when are you two in to being such good detectives?
Scully: Since it came to secret bathrooms.

Gina: Plus, the toilet paper is triple ply.
Charles: It turns anyone's bottom into a VIP.

Gina: Or you could just lie to Captain Holt. That's my policy for everything and it always works.

Jake: No. He did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is how do you hurt your arm smiling.

Charles: Look, I'm sorry. You let me into your special place.
Gina: Ew.

Gina: What's this weekend?
Amy: We rented a cabin in the Berkshires. We're taking a couple's cooking class and there's this great antiques fair.
Gina: Sounds like you two have a wonderful lesbian vacation planned.