Quotes from ‘Crime & Punishment’

Crime & Punishment

Crime & Punishment
Season 4, Episode 22 - Aired May 23, 2017

As Jake and Rosa continue their search for a bank-robbing operation with Lieutenant Hawkins (guest star Gina Gershon), they realize there's more to her team than meets the eye. After discovering a dangerous secret, they call for back-up from Holt and Pimento (guest star Jason Mantzoukas). Meanwhile, Boyle objects to Gina's new boyfriend (guest star Ryan Phillipe). Then, Jake and Rosa are framed for a crime they didn't commit, it's up to the Nine-Nine to find a way to bust them out.

Quote from Jake

Samuel Miller: Prosecution claims you stole $26 million, but they can't trace that money to you in any way.
Jake: Yeah, I have negative $73 in my bank account. Ba-boom!
Amy: I'm somehow embarrassed and proud of you at the same time.
Jake: Yeah, that's my sweet spot.

Quote from Captain Holt

Samuel Miller: Okay, so that's where we stand. Are there any questions or comments?
Captain Holt: Yes, there's something I'd like to say. Don't lose.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thought that was gonna be longer.
Jake: I loved it.
Rosa: It was perfect.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Should we talk about what happens if they somehow find you guilty?
Jake: That's not happening. But what we should talk about is how we're gonna celebrate when I win. I'm thinking we take a trip to Paris or London, Rome, anywhere Jason Bourne has driven a car down some stairs.
Amy: Paris sounds fun. Or we could just go somewhere we could actually afford.
Jake: Oh, we can afford it. Don't forget I robbed a bank. I'm sitting on $26 million, baby!
Judge Marinovich: Excuse me?
Amy: Oh! He's just kidding.
Jake: Yeah, I'm innocent. You'll see when we get in there. Nice talking to you, Judge.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: You got this.
Sergeant Jeffords: You got this.
Charles: You got this.
Jake: Charles, you're-
Charles: In a wheelchair, yep. My back gave out when I was dyeing my pubes. I was only halfway done. I'm like Cruella de Vil down there.

Quote from Jake

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, and one more thing. They're guilty.
Jake: No, we are not.
Judge Marinovich: Please don't address the jury, Mr. Peralta.
Jake: But, but, but-
Judge Marinovich: One more "but," and you will be in contempt.
Jake: [quietly] "One more 'but' and you're in contempt," name of your sex tape.

Quote from Jake

Jake: See? When the Nine-Nine puts our brains together, we can achieve anything.
Hey, we should team up and rob banks for real!
Judge Marinovich: You should stop talking in the hallway.
Jake: Yep, copy that. Nice to see you.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Diaz, I've been calling you. Why weren't you answering your phone?
Rosa: Don't have it. I charged it and stuck it on a truck headed west.
Captain Holt: What's with the suitcase?
Rosa: Going to Malaysia.
Captain Holt: You're going to Malaysia?
Rosa: No, the suitcase is going to Malaysia. I'm getting on a bus to Florida.
Captain Holt: What's in Florida?
Rosa: Airport. I'm flying to Argentina.
Captain Holt: This is very complicated.
Rosa: Thank you. Adrian has a ranch in the Andes where he goes when he's on the run. He's already there, getting rid of the scorpions. Or adding more scorpions. I don't know. The reception was real bad.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Diaz, I know you're scared, but things are starting to turn around. We're on the money trail, and we just found a new lead.
Rosa: With all due respect, sir, both you and I know that none of that is gonna pan out. And you said yourself I should take action. So I am, in Argentina, surrounded by scorpions. Or not surrounded by scorpions. I'll find out when I get there.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Look. I know you're innocent, but fleeing the country is a crime. I could arrest you right here.
Rosa: Do it then. I didn't think so. The mortgage is paid off. You can give the place to whoever you want. I don't care. Actually, I do care. Don't give it to Hitchcock.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Let's go back to New York. You can choose the music.
Jake: Just put on anything by Enya. No, not anything. "Orinoco Flow." On repeat.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, update on our trial prep. This is our lawyer, Samuel Miller, who, in many ways, is in charge of our defense.
Samuel Miller: In every way.
Jake: Well, "many" is part of "every." I'm facing 15 years in prison. Just let me have this.

Quote from Jake

Samuel Miller: So, prosecution's case is strong. You two were caught red-handed robbing a bank by one of the NYPD's most esteemed detectives in front of two dozen eyewitnesses.
Sergeant Jeffords: Right, but can't Captain Holt just testify he knew you were trying to take down Hawkins from the inside?
Jake: Unfortunately, no. Legally you can't testify for your best friend.
Captain Holt: That's not a law.
Jake: No? Sam?
Samuel Miller: Not a law.
Jake: Well, point is, he didn't deny we're best friends.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Doesn't matter anyway. We don't need your testimony, because we have the meat fork.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: Our two-pronged defense. Not unlike a fork you would use to flip a steak on a grill. It's a meat fork! Sam, explain the meat fork to them.
Samuel Miller: Again, "meat fork" is fun, but under no circumstances should anyone say that in court.
Jake: We have it if we need it.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Boyle. How you doing there, bud?
Charles: I'm fine. I'm great.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I hear your mouth say that, but the rest of your head is telling a different story. Feels like the stress of the upcoming trial is starting to get to you.
Charles: Oh, is this about my hair turning white?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, definitely.
Charles: It's not just the head hair. It's all of it. All. Of. It.
Sergeant Jeffords: I get it.
Charles: It's like an Eagles concert down there. Nothing but whites.
Sergeant Jeffords: Understood. You got white pubes.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: There's no need to stress out. The lawyer's very confident.
Charles: Not good enough. I need to do everything I can to save Jake.
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, you're falling apart. And that's not helping anyone. You need to get your crap in order.
Charles: Okay, you're right. I'll take a nap. I'll eat. I'll dye my pubes.
Sergeant Jeffords: You can dye all your hair.
Charles: No. There's no time.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Hey. Big day. How you feeling?
Jake: Good. Good. I was just working on my innocent face. Check it out.
"I'm a nice boy."
Amy: Oh, no. I don't think that's doing what you want it to at all.
Jake: Oh. Well, it doesn't matter, because my normal face is my innocent face, because I'm innocent.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Okay, the jurors found that super compelling. Just an update.
Jake: Thanks, Gina.
Gina: So, like, you're not making a good first impression.
Jake: Right. Thank you.
Gina: No doubt.

Quote from Jake

Samuel Miller: Objection. Conjecture!
Jake: Sustained. Sorry, you say it.
Judge Marinovich: Sustained.
Jake: We both sounded equally authoritative.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: What are they gonna find in one day? Face it, man, we are going to jail.
We might as well start hiding razor blades under our tongues. Here. You can have one of mine.
Jake: How long has that been in there?
Rosa: Since grade school.
Jake: Yeah, that checks out.

Quote from Jake

Amy: So we need to break in to the bank's computers. We need a hacker. Does anyone know a hacker?
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle does.
Charles: I'm Boyle! I get to help! Oh, my God. I can feel my legs again. I can walk.
Jake: Yes! It's a miracle kind of.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Here are the account numbers for the bank where the money showed up. Now, we're in a real hurry. You think you can trace it back to its source?
Pandemic: Are you questioning my abilities? Watch this. What's your name?
Sergeant Jeffords: Why do you need-
Charles: Terrence Vincent Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait. What's happening?
Pandemic: You're getting hacked, bro. That's what's happening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't do that.
Pandemic: I'm in your home computer.
Sergeant Jeffords: You are? Get out.
Pandemic: You got a lot of songs by Natalie Imbruglia.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, I bought those back in the '90s.
Pandemic: Nope. Downloaded on Thursday.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Pandemic: Okay, now watch the Pandemic spread. There's a document in here that looks to be fan fiction for the show "Madam Secretary."
Charles: Oh, Sarge, I didn't know you were a fan of the Madam.
Sergeant Jeffords: The show leaves Terry wanting more. I'm just filling in the gaps.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Now get to hacking. Guys, I think I found something.
Scully: Is it my heart medicine? My doctor said that if I miss even one dose, I could have a massive stro-
Jake: No, Scully, this is important.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: Has anyone seen Diaz? She's supposed be looking into the first two bank robberies.
Hitchcock: I saw her outside the courthouse. She gave me her jacket and her motorcycle helmet.
Captain Holt: Why would she give you her favorite jacket?
Hitchcock: Because I'm a rebel, and we're in love. Doi.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Just tell us if this is impossible. We don't have a lot of time to waste, and we've been here, like, five hours already.
Nightmare: Huh. You don't think I can do this? Is it because I'm a woman?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, I didn't say that.
Charles: I think women are amazing.
Nightmare: Thank you. And now I'm about to hack your world into pieces, old man. That'll show you.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Just do the thing with the bank. That'll show me.
Nightmare: Whoa. Looks like someone was a catalog model in Japan.
Charles: Whoa! Those boots. That slicker. The no pants. Who's the target audience for these pics, Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was a starving student. Terry needed the yen!

Quote from Jake

Matthew Langdon: I caught her taking payoffs from a gang leader. When I confronted her about it, she said I could disappear or she'd kill me.
Jake: I see why you chose pig farming. It's better than death.
Matthew Langdon: Not during the spring thaw.
Jake: Why? Does it smell even worse somehow?
Matthew Langdon: I was talking about the noises. It's pig mating season.
Jake: What does that sound like, a bunch of wet bagpipes?
Matthew Langdon: That's exactly it.
Jake: Oh.
Amy: Nailed it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: I don't know why you're here. You're not gonna change my mind.
Captain Holt: I know. I just wanted to say good-bye.
Rosa: Okay. Good-bye.
Captain Holt: I hope you know your family's gonna miss you.
Rosa: I don't care. I barely speak to them.
Captain Holt: I was talking about the Nine-Nine. Be safe, Rachel Weinstein.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I guess now we have to actually talk about what happens if the jury finds me guilty.
Amy: They still might not. We could still go to Paris.
Jake: Forget Paris. Billy Crystal. Nailed it.

Quote from Jake

Matthew Langdon: Wait. I'm coming with you.
Jake: You are? You'll testify?
Matthew Langdon: Hawkins has cost me and my wife too many years of happiness. I'm not gonna let her do the same to you.
Amy: Thank you so much.
Matthew Langdon: Well, I'm gonna grab my stuff, and I'll get a few CDs. Hope you like Enya.
Jake: [gasps] Matthew Langdon, you and I are vibing so hard!

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I'm here! Sorry, traffic was a nightmare coming back from Philadelphia, cheesesteak restaurant. They do breakfast. It checks out.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: So what happened?
Rosa: I guess I wasn't ready to say good-bye to my family.
Captain Holt: Good. Neither were we.
Gina: Now what I'm picking up on is just a genuine moment of friendship and respect. And now I'm feeling like you wish I would stop analyzing you 'cause I'm ruining the moment. But you guys are so cute. I love you.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: I'm getting worried. We're running out of time.
Nightmare: It's fine. This place is open 24-5. Only closed on weekends.
Sergeant Jeffords: Such a strange theme for a restaurant.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: Did you guys find anything yet?
Pandemic: Yes. Terry made a sizable purchase at an Etsy store that sells anklets for men.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sharon thinks they're sexy. Oh, come on! Focus on the case, man.

Quote from Rosa

Samuel Miller: We have airtight alibis for the other three bank robberies you all are accused of.
Amy: Yes, I pulled time sheets, witness statements, and security footage. We can show that both of you weren't present at any of the other robberies, except March 12th. Still not sure where Rosa was.
Rosa: And you never will be.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Okay, reminder: privacy is cool, but if you don't tell us, we're gonna go to jail for a long time.
Rosa: Fine. I was at a "La La Land" sing-along.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okay, well, I need to go be on trial for bank robbery now, so maybe we can talk about this later?
Charles: Oh, right. Good luck.
Jake: Good luck to you.
Charles: About the?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: Thank you.
Jake: Okay.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Psst! Hey, Jake. I got you. Don't worry about it.
Jake: Really? How?
Gina: Among my many, many, many skills, I'm fluent in face. I can tell you what the jury's thinking at any given moment. I see an eyebrow twitch, I'm like, "Oh." If their cheek has a certain tension, okay, that leads me a different way. Watch this. Scully, you're wondering if anyone can smell your fart. The answer, my brother, is yes.
Scully: She's a witch.
Gina: What'd I tell you, boy? Trust me. I got you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I like your stupid courtroom clothes.
Rosa: Thanks. I like your stupid courtroom clothes.
Jake: Thank you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, I know it looks bad. But it also looked bad for Liam Neeson in "The Grey."
Sergeant Jeffords: He got torn up by wolves in that movie.
Jake: That's how it ends? Oh, man. That is depressing. Why would someone make a movie about that?

Quote from Gina

Gina: Okay, here's how the jury's feeling from left to right, L to R. Not a fan of Jake, not of a fan of Rosa, not a fan of me, bathroom incident.
Jake: We get it. They all hate us.
Gina: In toto, yes.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Babe, are you sure we're in the right place? This looks like where they shot "The Village."
Jake: Amy, don't say things like that. You're gonna scare me. You know that.

Quote from Jake

Matthew Langdon: I'll talk to you, but you gotta follow me; I gotta go feed the hogs.
Jake: Oh, my God, what are you gonna feed them? Is it us?
Matthew Langdon: Corn.
Jake: Hmm, corn. Maize, as there was at the first Thanksgiving.
Amy: Jake.
Jake: Right. Let's go talk.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oof. It's pungent out here. It's so weird how food smells so good but farms smell so bad.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Is this seat taken? You really gonna do this, Diaz?
Rosa: My name is Rachel Weinstein. I am a graduate student on sabbatical to study birds at the University of Buenos Aires.
Captain Holt: You know, Cornell has a far better ornithology department, and it's right here in New York.
Rosa: Cornell has accused me of robbing a bank and is gonna send me to jail for 15 years.
Captain Holt: I guess we're dropping the metaphor.

Quote from Gina

Samuel Miller: Where are Jack and Rosa?
Gina: I don't know. I'm getting worried, because the jury's getting restless, especially juror number 4. She'd rather be in Lake Havasu with her new boyfriend, Derek. I didn't get that from her face. I was eavesdropping by the vending machine.

Quote from Gina

Gina: The jury's like, "Oh, snap, a twist." Like, they love twists. Any great trial has a twist.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Guilty. Very cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool..... Cool.

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