Charles: It looks like the perp knew what he was after. All he took was a shipment of thousand-dollar limited edition Weezies designed by Little Wayne.
Jake: Oh, it's Lil.
Charles: Oh, like Lillian.
Jake: No.
Charles: Lillian Wayne.

Adrian Pimento: Hang on. Were you creeps watching that the whole time?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well-
Amy: Uh-
Adrian Pimento: I'm just kidding. I know you were. It's like an eclipse. You should always look at it with both eyes wide open. Full on.

Jake: We gotta solve this on our own. And I think I know how. I found a lead on the dark web.
Charles: Nice. The dark web. It's the only place you can buy quality bat meat.

Jake: Sorry not sorry. It was just a stupid pencil.
Captain Holt: It was a gift from my deceased father.
Jake: A pencil? Your dad gave pretty bad gifts. Although on the other hand, all my dad ever gave me was abandonment issues, so, potato-tomato.

Jake: I'm back and I'm ready for a case, so what do you got? A murder? A sui? A murder-sui? They often follow one another. Ooh, maybe you've got an avunculicide up in there?
Captain Holt: The murder of an uncle. I'm surprised you know what that word means.
Jake: I learned about a lot of new crimes in prison. Those people real bad.

Jake: Look, I'm ready. I'm the same old Jake.
Captain Holt: I don't know why you have an issue with this. Rosa was happy to comply.
Jake: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that Rosa does? I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?
Captain Holt: If Rosa were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Rosa jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Jake: You jump off a cliff.
Captain Holt: Gladly. Provided Rosa did first.

Jake: Guess what I'm holding behind my back?
Captain Holt: Before we begin, what are the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time limit?
Jake: Forget it. You ruin everything. It's the police code and ethics manual.
Chapter four. Page 83.
Captain Holt: You should not have told me. I never would've guessed it. Now I've won.

Jake: Oink, oink. Good morning, sir. Your expression is inscrutable as always.
Captain Holt: And yours is extremely scrutable. You want something. A video game, perhaps? Or a fidget spinner?
Jake: I do want both of those things, but that's not why I'm here.

Captain Holt: When you demanded to be put back on the field, I worried that you were being flippant about your time in prison. I thought you would be reckless, but I was wrong. Prison has made you more cautious.
Jake: Yeah, but what if I'm too cautious now? I mean, I used to see everything as black and white, and now, it's looking real gray to me.
Captain Holt: I wish every cop had a voice in their head asking, what if he's innocent? You see it as weakness, but it means you're growing.It makes you a better detective. So, you passed your evaluation. You can go back in the field.

Captain Holt: You know you can't work a case yet. You've been assigned to desk duty.
Jake: Oh, please, don't make me sit behind a desk all day. That's worse than prison. No, it's not. Prison real bad.
Captain Holt: Those are the rules for anyone experiencing a traumatic work-lapse.
Jake: It wasn't that traumatic.
Captain Holt: You just said, and I quote, "Prison real bad."

Amy: Maybe it's time to put the creep kit away, Rosa.
Rosa: Wait. Pimento just walked up to a woman.
Sergeant Jeffords: A female woman? Rosa, is it a female woman?

Jake: Captain, I hope you're wearing your evaluating pants, 'cause I'm about to put on a crime solving clinic.
Captain Holt: I am wearing my evaluating pants.
Jake: What? 'Cause I was just- Wait, what are evaluating pants?
Captain Holt: They have a deep bottom pocket for my notepad, and they don't crease, which is a must, given how much I squat during an evaluation.

Rosa: I found his credit card statement. There's a charge for a restaurant called La Palapa. Two entrees. One flan.
Sergeant Jeffords: One flan?
Rosa: One flan.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's cold.
Amy: Yeah. Cold. I'm so confused.
Both: They shared the flan!

Charles: Jake, can you please spiral a little quieter? Nikolaj is still asleep and if he hears two men arguing in the next room, he might think he's getting sold again.
Jake: Aww, man, his backstory is so sad.
Charles: I know.

Rosa: And now I don't know what to do.
Amy: I think you do know what to do.
Rosa: Thanks, Amy. (leaves the room)
Amy: I have no idea what she's gonna do but that's the safest way to give Rosa advice.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep.

Rosa: So, what should I do?
Amy: Maybe don't jump to conclusions.
Sergeant Jeffords: No! Interrogate him! Follow the flan, Rosa. Follow the flan.
Rosa: Right. Follow the flan.

Rosa: I spent the whole night riding my bike, just thinking and riding, riding and thinking. Also, I drank some water from the stream.

Jake: If you would all take a seat while I make a toast. Kindly raise your two liters. To freedom, to you, and most importantly, to orange drank. And sex with Amy.
All: To sex with Amy!
Jake: Sorry. Shouldn't have said that last part.

Adrian Pimento: So is this a sexy stab in the face? Or an angry stab in the face?

Jake: You might wanna squat for this, Mr. Evaluator.
Captain Holt: I decide when the squatting is necessary. (slowly squats) This was my choice.

Sergeant Jeffords: Or maybe it could be Pimento wasn't cheating on you.
Rosa: What? You sound like a real Amy right now.
Amy: Hey!
Sergeant Jeffords: I know, but even a broken Amy can be right twice a day.
Amy: Hey!

Jake: Oh, he's been evaluating me. It's been up and down, but this is a clear win. Oh, sorry, you mean what's going on with you? You're under arrest for grand larceny.

Scully: So, what's this about a giant flan?

Captain Holt: Of course we still have no idea who was in the blue pup tent.
Jake: You know what? There is no pleasing you.
Captain Holt: That is accurate.

Captain Holt: And now you're just standing here, mum as a mouse. Have you nothing to say for yourself?
Jake: I can explain.
Charles: Of course he can. My boy's got bunches of explunches. Hit 'em, Jake.

Sergeant Jeffords: What's all set up? What's going on?
Jake: Ah, thank you for asking, Terrence. You see, the food in prison was inedible. All I thought about day and night were the things I wished I was eating. And you, Amy. I thought about you a lot. Sex with you, just, us doing sex with foreplay.
Amy: Great save, babe.

Sergeant Jeffords: You need to follow him. Catch him with his spoon in the flan.
Rosa: That's exactly what I was thinking.

Jake: Desk duty is a nightmare. Name one thing someone accomplished while sitting behind a desk.
Charles: Abraham Lincoln abolished slavery.
Jake: Yeah, but think about how much faster he would've done it if he'd got off his ass once in a while, right?

Captain Holt: I am in shock, Peralta. I can't believe you released Morris Richman. We have evidence.
Charles: Great evidence that Jake found.
Captain Holt: Exactly, which makes it even worse that he let him go.
Charles: That's not fair. I was trying to help, but he tricked me.

Jake: I'm not worried about that. I swear to my personal Lord and Savior, Steph Curry, I'm ready.

Amy: What's going on? I thought everything worked out. Is there a reason you're still upset?
Rosa: What makes you think I'm upset?
Amy: The giant hole you carved into the table.
Rosa: Oops. Didn't notice. [moves a bowl of condiments on top of the hole] There, fixed it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry loves women! Women be sane!

Jake: Security footage came in. Let's see what we got.
Charles: Probably a huge break.
Jake: Well, let's not put too much pressure on it.
Charles: You're right. It's probably a dead end.
Jake: Also not helpful.
Captain Holt: Let's just watch the footage.

Amy: Oh, Terry, we have the thing in the other room. Mm-hmm. Phone.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. Meeting. Uh, work. Friend lunch.

Charles: Ugh, these shoes are so uncomfortable!
Jake: They're dress sneakers, you're not supposed to run in them.

Captain Holt: You blew this case. You bungled your evaluation, and you never retrieved my father's pencil.
Charles: Sir, I am happy to get you a new pencil.
Captain Holt: It won't be the same.

Charles: If we go to the bodega looking like detectives, we'll spook her.
Jake: Right you are, Charles my chum. But we won't look like detectives. I brought all my best sneakers. Get your fat, sweaty feet ready. Yeah. We're gonna look flippity-dippity-fly.

Jake: I don't know how I screwed this up, I mean, maybe Holt got in my head with all of his squatting.
Charles: It was a powerful image.

Sergeant Jeffords: We went to lunch at La Palapa and we shared the flan.
Rosa: Oh, so you two are boning now?
Both: No!
Sergeant Jeffords: The flan's huge. Everyone shares it. The restaurant tells you to.

Jake: It clearly states that I can get off of desk duty if I pass a field evaluation performed by a member of the Municipal Police Training Council. That's right. It's a loophole. Loophole high five.

Sergeant Jeffords: There was no Japanese tea sock. But there was a Japanese man. I wasted a year on Chiaki.

Jake: Charles! Charles, Charles, Charles!
Charles; What's wrong?
Jake: Going crazy over here, man. The only worthwhile thing I've done today was take a Buzzfeed quiz about what kind of onion I am. [flashback] "Hm. Vidalia."
Charles: Ah. Cipollini.
Jake: That was not the point of my story.

Hitchcock: Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, desk brother.
Jake: I don't think so. This is just temporary.
Hitchcock: That's what I said.
Scully: Join us, Jake. You know you want to.
Both: We're going to Wingsluts.

Jake: We begin where all great stories begin. In the quaint little town of French Fry Village. After that, we're gonna move our adventure over to Cheeseburger Mountain, which consists you guessed it of turkey burgers. I'm kidding, it's cheeseburgers. This is kind of just stuffing. You can avoid that.
But it's attached to the Thanksgiving turkey theme 'cause I was thinking about that a lot up in the jail. And finally, we have a big old Passover brisket 'cause you know I loves my mom.

Jake: And so I decided to make my food fantasy come true. Unbutton your pants and take off your shoes, 'cause there's gonna be a doinkload of sodium at Freedom Feast 2017.