<< Return to the episode guide

Quotes from ‘Valloweaster’

Valloweaster

Valloweaster
Season 7, Episode 11 - Aired April 9, 2020

The Halloween heist returns once more as the squad compete to find out who is the greatest human/genius.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I can't believe the two strongest competitors got partnered up. We're a dream team like in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
Jake: Okay, I know you're not talking about basketball, so just tell me what weird sport you think the Dream Team was from.
Captain Holt: Sport? I'm talking about the opening ceremonies. Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus singing back-to-back arias.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Why would you do that? Jake and Holt are like the '92 dream team.
Amy: I know you're not talking about sports, so who do you think the '92 Dream Team was?
Charles: Aladdin and Abu.
Amy: Right.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Was that the gems? Did you drop them?
Jake: That chair wasn't supposed to be there. Where'd they go?
Captain Holt: I can't see anything. Turn off the smoke. It's lucky I was prepared for you to fail. Now, I didn't wanna reveal him this early, but...
[high pitch whistle] Here he comes. Cheddar, Cheddar the Dog.
Jake: Yeah, we all knew he was coming. You don't have to make such a meal out of it.
Captain Holt: Go, Cheddar. Arcessere. Means fetch. Cheddar's been taking Latin.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Why would he have swallowed the gems?
Captain Holt: Well, a photograph of Cheddar was featured on "Chonky Pups," an Instagram account for overweight pets. A top comment called him a "thick king." Kevin and I put him on a diet, and I suppose he got hungry enough to mistake the gems for food.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I don't get to compete for a bunch of stones that were in a dog's butt. What will I do?
Jake: I'll have you know that a dog's butt is cleaner than a human's mouth.
Sergeant Jeffords: That can't be true.
Jake: Well, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth, and dog mouths lick dog butts, so you tell me where my theory is wrong.
Captain Holt: He has no comeback.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I would never. I want to win, Which is why I'm initiating Operation Fabius.
Jake: Okay. That does sound kind of cool.
Captain Holt: Well, it shouldn't. I may have to change the name. Roman dictator Fabius Maximus defeated Hannibal by avoiding battle and exercising patience.
Jake: I can be patient. I just listened to you talk about that Fabius guy for, like, four hours.
Captain Holt: It was two sentences.
Jake: Ugh, shut up.

Quote from Charles

Amy: This is clearly the work of Charles Boyle, the son of a florist.
Charles: You think I'd make bouquets that look like this? With all this baby's-breath? What do you think of me?

Quote from Scully

Charles: Why did you want Cheddar to swallow the gems?
Rosa: Because I needed to delay things. The second part of my plan took place on Valentine's Day, which went perfectly.
Jake: Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly. Scully swallowed the gems.
Rosa: 'Cause I tricked him into it. Wasn't hard. Pretty much used the same Cheddar ham playbook.
[flashback:]
Scully: Table ham. Seven days in a row.
[present:]
Scully: So now I have to think twice before I eat food I find lying around. Thanks a lot.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Anyhow, will there be a new champion crowned this year, or will I become the first ever three-time winner, building on my glorious victories in heists one and five?
Amy: You didn't win the fifth heist. I did when you proposed to me.
Captain Holt: I won that year. You ended up with a modified version of the cummerbund, and you only got that because you slept your way into it.
Amy: Sorry, sir, that no one here wants to bone you, you dusty, old skeleton.
Captain Holt: Whoa!

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, so this segs me nicely into my next point... decorum. This is supposed to be a fun day that brings us all closer together, but in the past few years, I've noticed it trending in the opposite direction.
Captain Holt: Is this about the surveillance system I set up in your apartment?
[flashback to Holt watching Jake and Amy in bed on a monitor:]
Captain Holt: Sleep, sleep, you ugly morons.
[present:]
Jake: No, but it is now.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: All right, look, the point is, this year when we team up, there will be no betrayals because at the end of the day, we're all friends, and we love each other, and also you'll be handcuffed to your partner. If you undo them, you lose. Now, in each of these envelopes is a name. The last four champs will pick their partners, and, since I'm already up here, I'll just go first so...
Rosa: Nope. You've obviously rigged this to get the best teammate, but I'm not falling for that crap this time. So I am going to partner with... Scully. You know what? We are friends, best friends. Sorry I took your envelope.
Jake: No, no, no! It's too late. Boyle, cuff 'em.
Scully: It's okay, Rosa. I'm focused this year, and I'm more determined to win than ever. I also really have to go to the bathroom.
Rosa: Why didn't you say that before he put the handcuffs on us?

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, I'll go next. I have... [chuckles] Geppetto?
Jake: Yeah.
Amy: Ugh, that must be Charles.
Charles: It is because I'm the puppeteer, and you're all my little puppets.
Amy: Ugh. Can we choke our partner to death with our handcuffs?
Jake: Sure, choke away.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Ooh, the infinity gauntlet from "The Avengers."
Jake: Yes, except not quite. The actual movie replica was extremely expensive, so I had to get something off Russian eBay. Say hello to the Infinitude Gobbler. It's identical to the one that Thaboo wore in the movie "Avangaboys."
Captain Holt: This glove...
Jake: Gobbler.
Captain Holt: Contains three plastic jewels...
Jake: The Infinitude Gems.
Captain Holt: Each representing one aspect of a heist winner. "Amazing," "human," "genius." Whoever possesses these stones at midnight will be named champion.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Look at them laughing. Jake must have said something really funny. Should we forfeit and go hear what it was?

Quote from Amy

Amy: No, Charles, we're not forfeiting. I wanted Jake to rig the envelopes and partner up with Holt. I gave him the idea by making him watch "Lincoln."
[flashback:]
Amy: Oh, wow, a team of rivals.
Jake: Mm-hmm.
[back:]
Amy: And when that didn't work, we watched "X-Men: Days of Future Past."
[flashback:]
Jake: Magneto and Professor X working together? Amy, are you seeing this?
Amy: Yes, I see it. [whispers] I see it all.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Mmm, got a pedicure, made a smoothie 'cause Terry loves smoothies. Retiring early was the best decision I have ever made.
Jake: Well, you're missing out. People are saying this is the most fun heist we've ever done.
Sergeant Jeffords: Looks like Holt keeps trying to put his whole hand in Cheddar's mouth while Rosa Googles, "how to make a dog vomit."
Jake: Yeah. Like I said, we're having a blast.
Sergeant Jeffords: [giggles]

Quote from Jake

Dr. Gabbie Wince: Uh, I'm sorry. Who are all these people?
Jake: We're coworkers involved in an elaborate Halloween heist. Do you seriously not talk to your vet about us?

Quote from Jake

Dr. Gabbie Wince: No, no, no, no, there's no need to operate. The gems are small enough. He should be able to excrete them without discomfort.
Jake: The medical term for excrete is dump out.
Rosa: It is not.
Jake: Hm?

Quote from Charles

Amy: And the infighting continues.
Charles: I guess Jake and I still have the only unbreakable bond in the whole precinct.
Amy: I mean, he is my husband.
Charles: Uh-huh. No one ever gets divorced?
Amy: Charles.
Charles: I'm sorry. I'm just all worked up because of the heist. There's heist in the geist.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: What is happening?
Amy: You tell us. You're the one who just mysteriously appeared at this critical moment.
Rosa: I was stuck in the bathroom with Scully. It was a nightmare.
Scully: For me too. Hitchcock and I haven't had any time alone all day. I don't even know what he had for lunch.
Hitchcock: Italian sandwich.
Scully: But with what kind of chips?

Quote from Captain Holt

Dr. Gabbie Wince: Yep, he swallowed 'em. You can see the gems right here on the X-ray.
Jake: And you're sure those are the gems and there's not something horribly wrong with him?
Dr. Gabbie Wince: Well, the part that's horribly wrong with him is if you look here...
Captain Holt: Oh, nobody cares.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Okay, in five minutes, ten other bunnies will march past this door. We'll blend in and grab the gems. It's foolproof.
Jake: How is this any different than my bunny suit plan?
Captain Holt: Oh, it's very different. I gave the bunnies glasses and little, blue vests.
Jake: The vests add nothing.
Captain Holt: The vests add gravitas.
Jake: Your butt adds gravitas.

Quote from Charles

Amy: It's happening. Put on your head.
Charles: Oh, with pleasure. I love disappearing into a role. I'm Argyle James Hopford, a bachelor bunny who's carrying out a scandalous affair with a local goose.
Amy: Shut up and put on your damn head!

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Anyway, I knew Cheddar would be making an appearance.
Captain Holt: Oh, everyone loves to see Cheddar.
Rosa: He's here a lot. I never bring in Arlo.
Jake: Who?
Rosa: Exactly. I spent every morning for the last year giving Cheddar a taste for ham.
Captain Holt: Oh, so that's why he got so thick and ended up on "Chonky Pups."
Rosa: I submitted his photo. And once you put Cheddar on a diet, all I had to do was mark the gems with a little of that sweet ham taste.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Happy Halloween. I see you all have your game faces on. Special shout-out to Amy who is clearly only wearing that pumpkin costume to conceal her heist equipment.
Amy: Nuh-uh. I was greeting kids at the Halloween party.
Rosa: Nobody believes you.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm out. Terry is retiring from heisting. I don't have anything left to prove after my win last year.
Jake: But we need you. What if one of us has a plan that involves a big, strong brute?
Sergeant Jeffords: Not a great sales pitch, Jake. Terry is going out on top.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Ugh, fine. I guess that makes it my turn, so I will pick my partner. And it is... [laughs] Raymond Holt. Well, well, well, it appears the original two heist champs are teaming up. Should we just skip ahead so everyone can bow down to us now?
Captain Holt: Yes, you all heard him. Bow down. Boyle, you first.
Amy: He is not gonna bow do... ugh, he's already doing it.
Charles: Well, they're gonna win. I'm currying favor.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So what prize are we playing for, you ask?
Hitchcock: Wait, what about me? Nobody picked my envelope.
Jake: So what prize are we playing for, you ask?

Quote from Jake

Jake: But what obstacles will I face, you may ask yourself. Well, the Infinitude Gems will be guarded by a ferocious and daunting sentry.
Bill: Hey, best friends.
Rosa: We're not your best friends, Bill.
Bill: [laughs] You don't get to decide that.
Jake: So Bill will hide the gems in his pockets.
Bill: You're really gonna have to root around in there. I dried my jeans, so they're extra tight.
Jake: You were right, Amy. I should have got a safe. Sorry, everyone. Let the heist begin!

Quote from Jake

Jake: I rigged the envelopes so that we could team up.
Captain Holt: But you chose Scully initially.
Jake: Only because I knew as soon as I tried to go first, Rosa would jump in, and then I made sure no one picked our envelopes by marking them with Cheeto thumbprints.
Captain Holt: Oh, so everyone would assume that they were Hitchcock and Scully's. Brilliant. These fools don't stand a chance against us.
Jake: Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they? Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo beat at singing to get into the Olympics. I know nothing about opera.
Captain Holt: No, you're right. Amy's a real Teresa Berganza, huh?

Quote from Charles

Amy: Look, Jake and Holt are too stubborn and too proud to work as a team. Once they implode, we'll waltz in and grab the gems.
Charles: I do love waltzing.

Quote from Scully

Scully: [o.s.] Hey, Rosa, you brought headphones right? To drown out the sound?
Rosa: No.
Scully: Oh boy, I'm really sorry for what's heading your way.
Rosa: [o.s.] [screams]
Scully: [o.s.] I'm sorry!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Oh, someone's making a move.
Jake: That's right. And that someone is us.
Captain Holt: Seems like a pretty sloppy plan.
Jake: You're just saying it's sloppy because you're jealous you didn't think of it. You don't even know what we're doing yet.
Captain Holt: Fog up the room until no one can see and then steal the gems.
Jake: Yeah, but I also got us little booties, so we can move through the room quietly. And I memorized the exact layout of the entire bullpen using a blindfold so follow me.

Quote from Jake

Jake: One, two, three, desk. One, two, turn. One, two, three, four, Bill.
Bill: Hi, boys.
Jake: Oh, God! Why do you sound horny? Very upsetting. Okay, reaching into your pockets, feeling a lot of things, and I got the gems. Let's go.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Who has the gems? What's going on?
Scully: And explain it quickly. I have to pee again.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You're too late. For the last three months, I have been training Cheddar to retrieve gems. Using his low center of gravity and keen sense of smell, he expertly... [gasps] Oh, no. He swallowed them. He swallowed the gems!
Jake: Well, [bleep].

Quote from Jake

Jake: This is why you don't team up with a dog.
Captain Holt: It's better than teaming up with Bill like you do every year.
Jake: Bill is a human. He is able to use more than just his mouth.
Bill: Not if you don't want me to.
Jake: Bill, stop chiming in.
Bill: I'm just saying. I'm not that different from a dog.
Jake: You're not helping.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: We need to get Cheddar to a doctor right now.
Amy: Bravo. [slow claps] What a performance. Cheddar didn't swallow any gems. This is all a ruse just like my brilliant lie about the pumpkin costume.
Jake: That was good.
Amy: There is no chance in hell that any of this is real.
[cut to:]
Dr. Gabbie Wince: Yep, you can see the gems right here on the X-ray.
Amy: Okay, so it's real.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Seems to me Cheddar has the gems, and he's my property, so we win.
Jake: Yeah, works for me. Time for the big wrap-up speech. I'm sure you're all wondering how we pulled this off.
Rosa: No, we continue the heist right here, right now. [picks up scalpel] I'm gonna open him up.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, the heist will pick up where we left off. There are six hours remaining and three teams left. The now-sterilized Infinitude Gems will be placed back into the care of Bill. Oh, wow, Bill, looks like you had a rough four months.
Bill: It was actually a great three months and then one really bad one.
Jake: Okay, but you're here, and you're happier than ever.
Bill: I don't know why you think that.
Jake: Let the heist re-begin!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Okay, your smoke plan was a disaster.
Jake: Yeah, because your dog ate the gems.
Captain Holt: Because you tripped and dropped them.
Jake: Yeah, because someone put a chair in my way that wasn't supposed to be there.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. Are you accusing me of something?
Jake: Was that not clear? Do you need me to say it in Latin? [in Italian accent] I think you sabotage me.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Maybe it was Terry who sent the flowers!
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I really wanted to spend $2,000 on Valentine's Day not for my wife.
Charles: Ah, he admitted it!

Quote from Scully

Captain Holt: No, Rosa took the gems. I saw you brush up against one of the flower delivery men who handed you the gems, which you gave to Scully, who placed them in his mouth.
Rosa: That's absurd.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah, that's absurd.
Rosa: Okay, fine, but no one is getting those gems.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah.
Rosa: None of you would dare to put your bare hands inside of Scully's mouth.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah.
Rosa: Who knows what kind of diseases he's got.
Scully: [clearly] My doctors sure don't.
Rosa: Scully, why wasn't that garbled?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Easter Valentine's Day Halloween heist!

Quote from Jake

Jake: We will once again pick up where we left off. The Infinitude Gems...
Sergeant Jeffords: You guys are still doing this? You know it's April now.
Jake: Yeah, Terry, we're still doing it, and we're still having a great time.
Rosa: Why are the gems so pale?
Jake: I guess Scully's insides zapped all the color out of them? I don't know, babe. You're undercutting my whole thing with Terry here.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Anyways, the Infinitude Gems will go back to Bill whose life seems to have unraveled even further. Tough March for you there, bud?
Bill: Yeah, just a heads up. I sold my pants with the pockets, so I'll be putting the gems in my undies this time.
All: No.
Jake: I'll give him a fanny pack.
Bill: Can I keep it? This could be just what I need to turn my life around.
Jake: Yeah, Bill, you can keep the fanny pack.
Bill: I don't have to do anything for it, do I? Because I will if you ask. I'll do anything, even... [skin flapping]
Charles: What's that supposed to represent?
Jake: No one answer that.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Anyhow, quick heist update. There's less than an hour left, and only two teams remain.
Rosa: Two?
Scully: My doctor said I'm at a grave risk for a shenanigan-related death, so I have to drop out.
Rosa: That's not fair. I should get a new partner. Terry, you want back in?
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope. I want my mango tango. Slurp, slurp.
Jake: Sorry, Rosa, if you wanna switch partners this late in the game, they have to have the same skill set as Scully.
Hitchcock: I'm available.
Rosa: Right, or... That filing cabinet kind of looks like Scully.
Jake: I see it. Same flat top. But if we really wanna make this a fair switch, it seems like you need to... start in the men's room.
Rosa: Come on.
Jake: Let the heist re-re-begin!

Quote from Jake

Charles: How do you know this is their plan?
Amy: 'Cause Jake frickin' told me.
Charles: He did?
Amy: Yeah. He's so frustrated with Holt... like I knew he would be... that it's all he talks about... [quietly] in therapy.
Charles: What?
[flashback to Jake laying on the couch in a therapist's office as Amy hides in the vent:]
Jake: The thing is, the bunny vests do add gravitas, but I can't tell him that 'cause then he wins. Oh, hey, is it weird that Jane Jetson gives me a bo...
[back:]
Charles: You found a therapist that let you do that?
Amy: No, I've been paying an actress to pretend to treat him for months. She's actually helped him a lot.
Charles: Oh, did Jake ever say anything about me while you were listening?
Amy: ... Where are those bunnies?

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Here they come, my beautiful, blue-vested bunnies.
Jake: My God, they're so cool.
Captain Holt: What's that?
Jake: Hm? Nothing. I hate them. This probably won't even work.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Rosa, that was amazing.
Captain Holt: It was not amazing. She didn't stay handcuffed to her partner. She's disqualified. We'll reset and start over on the next holiday. Earth day... an Earth day heist. It's perfect.
Rosa: Wrong. Rules said I couldn't undo the cuffs, and I didn't.
Captain Holt: Oh, not fair. I didn't know I could cut off Peralta's hand. I'll file that away for next year.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: This is incredible. How'd you do it, Rosa?
Rosa: Well, back on Halloween, I knew Jake would make the first move, and I had to be ready.
Jake: You were hiding in the fog. It wasn't Holt that put that chair in my pathway.
Captain Holt: No, I did. I wanted to be the one who was responsible for our victory.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: We already lost. There's no point in trying to maintain team morale now.
Jake: Dick.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I marked the gems with ham again, and everything pushed to Easter when I could finally get rid of Scully as my partner.
[flashback:]
Rosa: Doctor, I'm willing to pay you to tell Norm Scully not to participate...
Dr. Millford Cream: Participate? No, no, no. Norm Scully should not be participating in any activities. He could die. I'll go call him right now.
[present:]
Rosa: Now I finally had a teammate whose hand I could cut off. Just needed a little help from Terry.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Boy, that thing's pretty heavy, huh?
Rosa: Did you bring the tools?
[present:]
Captain Holt: But you were retired. You were loving your smoothies.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, but after a while, I felt left out. And if I'm being honest, the smoothies weren't even that good.
Rosa: I wonder why that was. Maybe it's because I hammed your smoothie.
Hitchcock: Am I the only one who didn't get fed ham this year?

Quote from Jake

Amy: Wait, how did you know about Jake's bunny plan?
Rosa: You weren't the only one listening in on his therapy.
[flashback to Jake in the therapist's office:]
Jake: Of course the bunnies should have glasses. I just can't believe I didn't come up with it myself. Oh, you know what? Betty Rubble also gives me a bo... [Rosa hides under the couch]
[present:]
Jake: You guys were listening in on my therapy? That feels like a real violation...
Amy: Jake, Jake, this is Rosa's moment.
Rosa: Yeah, man, go tell it to your fake therapist.
Jake: She's fake?

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Anyway, then I grabbed the gems, jumped off the roof, and wrote my name in flames.
Captain Holt: Wait, why did you keep delaying the heist? Couldn't you have just won at Halloween?
Rosa: Oh, I did. These are the real Halloween gems. I switched them out before Cheddar found them. I also won on Valentine's Day. I switched those gems out before I gave them to Scully. And then I won today. So while you nerds are always arguing about who the only two-time champion is...
Jake, Amy & Holt: Me.
Rosa: I just became the first three-time champion. I guess there's just one thing left to do.
[later:]
Jake: To Rosa Diaz, an amazing human/genius.
All: To Rosa Diaz.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, you did it, but always remember one thing. Those gems were in Scully's butt.
Rosa: How dare you.
Jake: I know. I'm happy for you, I guess. I don't know.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Hold on. I have some math questions. If Rosa has three wins, does Scully have two? Am I now tied with Scully?
Amy: No, no, no. I'm tied with Scully. You're tied with the filing cabinet.
Charles: The filing cabinet has more wins than me?
Amy: Yes, obviously.
Jake: Yeah, that's how that works.
Captain Holt: As it should.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, stop it. We're supposed to be celebrating Rosa here, not fighting.
Rosa: No, no, keep fighting. It's why I did this. You know, technically, we all shared in Jake's first win, so this might be my fourth.
Jake: What? No.
Captain Holt: Yeah, that's a good point.
Amy: Oh, we also helped Holt win too.
Captain Holt: Oh, shut up, Santiago. Just shut up.
Jake: Excuse me?
Amy: Wow, shut up?
Jake: How dare you, sir.
Captain Holt: I won two times.
Jake: That is my wife.
[Rosa smiles]

< Return to the episode guide

Submit Quotes