Captain Holt: So now I know who the sumbitch is who took my dog. The only problem is, I have no idea where to find that sumbitch.
Kevin: Well, Raymond, I think we can help you find that sumbitch. Jake?
Jake: Sumbitch. We all got to say it.

Rosa: Where are you going?
Captain Holt: To find out if there was another man.
[later:]
Captain Holt: So, um, Adam is it? I only ask because Madeline never mentioned you.
Adam Jarver: Interesting, 'cause she mentioned you to me, as a friend.
Captain Holt: Friend? I think you added an "R" to the word "fiend."
Adam Jarver: No, I'm sure it was friend. I mean, based on context alone, I wouldn't say somebody was one of my closest fiends.
Captain Holt: Oh, you might. We had a very contentious relationship. She never forgave me for embarrassing her in front of Derek Jeter.
Adam Jarver: Well, I embarrassed her in front of A-Rod and J.Lo together.
Captain Holt: For 15 years I replaced her anti-wrinkle cream with sour cream.
Adam Jarver: I replaced her Lactaid pills with Tic Tacs. Dead moron was crapping her pants for months.
Captain Holt: She hacked into my Netflix account and watched the Lizzie McGuire movie on repeat to ruin my algorithm.

Jake: Okay, we've got her meeting the mayor, her dog-sitting for Bo Obama, Malala giving her an award, but no photos of Wuntch.
Captain Holt: That's because vampires don't appear on film. Perhaps we should be looking for a 17th-century woodblock print.

Jake: Let me show you what we found: A security camera grabbed some footage of Cheddar being picked up and put into a car which was registered to an anonymous shell company on Dean Street. We can be there in 15 minutes.
Captain Holt: That's weird. It's sunny outside.
Jake: Why's that weird?
Captain Holt: Because a [bleep]storm is about to rain down on that punk.
Jake: Oh, my God, I fell for it, and I loved it.

Amy: Oh, my God! I just heard about Wuntch! She was so young!
Captain Holt: For a redwood tree. Uh, I don't understand what's going on. Why are you crying?
Amy: A person is dead. I feel sad.
Captain Holt: That's insane. You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Amy: Yes.
Rosa: He wasn't a monster.
Captain Holt: He caused a real commotion.

Sergeant Jeffords: Why would Wuntch fake her own death?
Captain Holt: The same reason she visits Mexico once a year and sucks the blood from all the goats. For kicks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but she's dead. What do you want? To open up her coffin and check for yourself?
[later:]
Captain Holt: Oh, she's very dead.

Sergeant Jeffords: We got the letter.
Captain Holt: Well done. Now get me Madeline and a bucket of water. It's time to melt a witch.

Amy: This place is so romantic.
Jake: Yeah, and so intimate.
Captain Holt: Don't worry. I'm not listening to you. I'm just thinking about how this sea bass is cold but not as cold and cruel as the hands of fate that have thrust my entire life into darkness.
Jake: Ah, damn it. I just ordered the sea bass.

Regina Park: Sorry if my voice is raspy. They just took the breathing tube out.
Captain Holt: But they left the BS in?
Sergeant Jeffords: Good God.
Charles: Whoa.

Sergeant Jeffords: Good Lord. Where did he get that?
Captain Holt: Oh, my God, we're doomed. Boyle looks like a lesbian.

Captain Holt: Congratulations once again to Jake and Amy. And now that everyone's here, I have an email that I need to open.
Jake: All right, weirdo, not something we usually announce to the squad.
Gina: It says if he got the commissioner job.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God! What?
Gina: He was too scared to read it all day.
Captain Holt: I was, until I heard something very wise tonight. Life is unpredictable. Not everything is in our control. But as long as we're with the right people, we can handle anything. So I'd like to receive this news with all of you.
Amy: He quoted me.
Captain Holt: Okay, here we go. Well, from the look on my face, I'm sure you can guess what it says.
Jake: No! We have no idea at all. Just tell us, you monster!

Jake: That's not what I meant. No, we have to fight her.
Captain Holt: We're not going to fight her. She's the devil. And you don't dance with the devil because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's dead.
Captain Holt: Oh, Terry. Zombies can't die. This is some sort of scam. If she were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in the streets.

Sergeant Jeffords: We've been at this bachelor party for over an hour, wandering around aimlessly and we haven't done one bachelor party thing!
Captain Holt: Well, Terry, if you'd like, I could share a lewd story. Kevin got me quite horny this morning.
Jake: Oh, see?

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, sorry to interrupt. I just got off the phone with the Department of Corrections. They wanted me to let you know that Ernest Zumowski died.
Captain Holt: My goodness. It's been a while since I've heard that name. I hunted him for years and finally caught him and put an end to his bloodlust. In some sick way, I am who I am because of Ernest Zumowski AKA-
All: The Disco Strangler.
Captain Holt: Oh, so you knew who I was talking about?
Charles: Yeah, sir, you talk about him a lot.
Captain Holt: You know, the yo-yo was his-
All: Calling card.
Captain Holt: Oh, I mentioned that too? So how'd he die?
Sergeant Jeffords: He was in a prison transport van, and he got in a terrible accident. It burst into flames, and he was trapped inside.
Captain Holt: [laughing] Well, well, well, he finally did it.
Charles: Died horribly?
Captain Holt: Escaped. Just like he said he would all those years ago.
[past:]
Disco Strangler: I'll be coming back for you. I'm just like disco, baby. I will never die.
Captain Holt: True, disco will never die, but you will-
[present:]
All: In your cell, punk.
Captain Holt: Oh, so I've told that part of the story as well?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, at every Christmas party.
Charles: Sir, I am the first to tout the capabilities of senior citizens. I have made love to many, but the Disco Strangler is over 80. I doubt that he could pull off an escape like this.
Captain Holt: Oh, that's what he wants you to think. You're both underestimating him. I know 28 other people who did that, and they all ended up with yo-yos around their throats.
Charles and Sergeant Jeffords: Necks.
Captain Holt: Nope, I said "throats," not necks, which means I haven't told that story too many times. All right, lace up your dancing shoes because it's time to catch this disco bastard.