Quote from the episode Lights Out
Charles: I can't see anything.
Jake: Me neither. We'll just have to rely on our other senses.
Charles: I call smell.
Jake: Okay, really jumped on that one. I wasn't gonna fight you for smell. I figured we'd just listen for sounds.
Charles: Pfft, good luck with that. [sniffs] Hmm. [sniffs] Yeah. [sniffs] Mm-hmm.
Jake: Okay.
Charles: How's it going over there? You hearing anything?
Jake: Yeah, I'm hearing you and your creepy sniffs.
Charles: Really? Well I'm smelling a lot of jealousy coming from your direction.
Jake: Sound to the left.
Charles: Smell to the left. [crashing sound]
Jake: NYPD, hands up.
Charles: [sniffs] Oh, yeah. We got him!
Jake: Charles.
Quote from the episode Sabotage
Charles: You're useless. You are completely useless. You are, without a doubt, the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen. And I am including that bomb sniffing dog that humps all the bombs.
Quote from the episode USPIS
Rosa: What the hell? Danger just called and said you abandoned him, took information from a classified computer, and licked a roll of antique stamps.
Charles: The stamps were on me. I was curious about how old glue tasted. Answer, like a horse lollipop.
Quote from the episode Captain Peralta
Charles: He should already think you're great. Like with my dad. He doesn't need me to prove to him that Jake Peralta's the best cop in the precinct, he knows it.
Quote from the episode Jake & Amy
Charles: No! I was eavesdropping. I'm always eavesdropping.
Jake: I don't like it.
Charles: Look, I didn't spend the last seven years watching your love ripen, only to have it sullied by a city hall wedding. You're getting married right here, right now.
Quote from the episode The Funeral
Amy: Listen, guys. Jake and I were talking last night-
Charles: Pillow talk alert. Set the scene, spooning or face to face?
Jake: Charles.
Charles: Spooning.
Quote from the episode The Road Trip
Captain Holt: Anyway, tomorrow's my anniversary with Kevin. I'd like to cook him an impressive breakfast. Could you help orient me with that process?
Charles: I'd be honored. Preparing food for one's lover is the most intimate gift of all. Aside from washing their hair.
Quote from the episode Christmas
Jake: Boyle, frisk the skinny one.
Charles: I've gone 42 years without a lump of coal. I'm not gonna start now.
Quote from the episode Jake and Sophia
Jake: All right, I'm gonna win this case and then we can put my horrible sexual experience behind us forever.
Charles: I don't know Jake. I'm afraid I'm gonna think about it every time I look at your crotch.
Jake: Then stop looking at my crotch!
Quote from the episode The Chopper
Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Charles: And I'll be Rum-tum-tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle, no characters from Cats. Dig deep. Think of something scary.
Charles: Adolf Hitler.
Jake: No! You will be Sidewinder.
Charles: All right, but I'm more scared of Hitler.
Quote from the episode Jake & Amy
Charles: This is happening. Jake and Amy are getting married tonight. Title of my sex tape!
Jake: What?
Quote from the episode Pilot
Gina: She's got a type, which is really any one but you.
Charles: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type, too.
Quote from the episode The Vulture
Jake: God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your twenties?
Charles: You know how it is. When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-
Jake: No, that is not an older woman. That's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
Charles: She was, actually. That's how I met her. Went to college with her grandson Marvin. Don't don't knock it till you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer.
Jake: No. That is no one's fantasy.
Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon
Jake: Yes! The Ebony Falcon soars again.
Charles: The Ebony Falcon. His feathers are muscles.
Quote from the episode Full Boyle
Charles: Sexy train is leaving the station. Check out this caboose. Later, sluts.
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