Jake: My friends, I have a proclamation to bestow upon ye.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you talking like that?
Charles: And why'd you have us come in here? Is this about the tickets?
Jake: It is indeed about said tickets, and said proclamation about said tickets is in fact...
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, just tell us. No one is liking this.
Charles: I'm loving it. You sound so smart.
Jake: Oh, thank you, my loyal subject Charles. Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... title of mine sex tape... but I have made it at long last, and it is my decree that the recipient shall be... Both of you.
Charles: What? Did you talk to Mikey J. and get more tickets?
Jake: Indeed I did not, but it is my decision that I will cut all of said tickets in twain.

Jake: So what did you mean when you said that you hadn't been to Vernon in 20 years?
Philip Davidson: My uncle has a cabin there. I would visit him as a kid.
Jake: Wow. So your uncle owns a cabin in the town that the body was found. That is quite a coincidence.
Philip Davidson: I haven't been there for 20 years. You can call my uncle if you want.
Jake: Oh, we are. So you might as well just confess now, or we can take our sweet time, like the "ma-jestic slo-th".

Captain Holt: Nice work, men. You can put your perp in holding with the other three convicts.
Jake: Wait. Other three?
Captain Holt: Yeah. Santiago and Boyle brought them in.
Amy: That's right. It's three to one. Guess you won't be needing this anymore since you'll be moving in with me.
Jake: My towel.
Amy: Yeah, your towel. [tries to ignite it with a lighter] Why won't it burn?
Jake: Because it never fully dries. The towel lives, and so do we!

Jake: Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going, Cold Mountain? I changed your codename.
Captain Holt: To use the restroom.
Jake: I'm only asking this for your safety. Is it a number one or a number two?
Your silence indicates number two.

Amy: So did they defuse the bomb?
Jake: Yeah, one of 'em. Oh, you didn't hear? There was a second bomb. Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb.
Amy: Aww. On our anniversary.

Captain Holt: I'd like to text my husband to tell him I'll be coming home late tonight.
Jake: Okay, but for security reasons, I get to craft the message.
Let's start with a pleasant greeting. How about, "Hello, honey".
Captain Holt: You will not craft the message.
Jake: Roger that. Honey's wrong. How about "Hello, husband". "Hello, sir"? You call each other sir?

Jake: Oh my God, it's real life Die Hard. I mean, oh, no, crime.

Jake: Wow, I think I really would have gotten along with young Ray Holt.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, you gotta pick a napkin.
Jake: The binder said they should be beige. I didn't realize there'd be 45 different shades. "Chanterelle," "desert whimsy," "filbert husk"? Words have no more meaning, Terry.

Jake: Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. All right, let's do this. Who's got theories?
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, alarm didn't go off.
Jake: All three alarms? All with battery back-up? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Kevin: This installation is composed of Constantine's accounts of the first Punic War in the year 264-
Jake: Ah, yes the first pubic war, the sexiest of all wars. Hi, Dr. Albrin Einstibe. I have an urgent question for you about Ancient Greece.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, she's not lying about her resume. Did you know The Rock's character in "The Fast and the Furious" was based on her? Hobbs. Or Shaw.
Jake: She's not a Hobbs or a Shaw. If anything she's a Trevor. That the guy my mom dated after she divorced my dad.
Sergeant Jeffords: So this is all about your daddy issues?
Jake: Step-daddy issues. This is a new thing. I'm complicated. Anyways, Trevor seemed perfect too, you know? He was nice to my mom, he drove a limousine, he would take us out to restaurants. But then my mom caught him cheating, and we never saw him again. So it turns out when people are too good to be true, they are.

Jake: Yeah, but that's just a suggestion, like how they tell you to drink eight cups of water every month.
Sergeant Jeffords: A day.
Jake: Sarge, come on. This is not the time for jokes.

Charles: How do you know this is their plan?
Amy: 'Cause Jake frickin' told me.
Charles: He did?
Amy: Yeah. He's so frustrated with Holt... like I knew he would be... that it's all he talks about... [quietly] in therapy.
Charles: What?
[flashback to Jake laying on the couch in a therapist's office as Amy hides in the vent:]
Jake: The thing is, the bunny vests do add gravitas, but I can't tell him that 'cause then he wins. Oh, hey, is it weird that Jane Jetson gives me a bo...
[back:]
Charles: You found a therapist that let you do that?
Amy: No, I've been paying an actress to pretend to treat him for months. She's actually helped him a lot.
Charles: Oh, did Jake ever say anything about me while you were listening?
Amy: ... Where are those bunnies?

Kylie: Oh, no, I like him, just not as a boyfriend for Amy. Or as a trivia teammate.
Jake: Okay, Kylie, you have gotta get over the trivia thing. I tried my hardest!
[cut to Jake, Amy and Kylie at a bar's trivia night:]
Jake: The phrase you're looking for is, "Winter is coming."
Captain Holt: No, what Paul Revere said was that the British are coming.
Kylie: Come on.
Jake: Yeah, come on.
[present:]
Jake: So what, Paul Revere never said "winter is coming?" Not even in late autumn? I still think I was right.