Captain Holt: [answers phone] This is Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, hello, Captain. It's Amy Santiag-ago.
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you drunk?
Amy: Oh, he thinks I'm drunk. What do I do?
Captain Holt: Uh, British accent.
Amy: Smart. That'll fool him. [Cockney accent] Yes, sir, quite drunk. Wankered, really.
Captain Holt: What did you learn? Did O'Sullivan set up Peralta?
Amy: No, he didn't. Me 'usband wasn't set up at all. 'e wasn't, but me big problem now is that me 'usband can't be reached by me telly.
Captain Holt: Please stop talking like that.
Amy: Okay.

Rosa: So she's stress-braiding. Big deal. That's like a one on the Santiago Panic Scale.
Jake: Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two, creepily singing songs from the Great American Songbook.
[cut to Jake and Amy in bed:]
Amy: You're a grand old flag. You're a high flying flag.

Jake: Hey, babe. [gasping] Oh! I see you've taken the braids out. Your hair looks fun.
Amy: Now it's ready for me to braid again.

Amy: You think that because you love me, and love has made you dumb.
Jake: I disagree, if anything, love has made me smarter. Remember last week when I boiled that egg?
Amy: That was big. I was really proud of you.

Amy: I'm sorry I freaked out and ran away.
Jake: It's okay. Just because you messed up the practice test doesn't mean you're gonna fail the real one.
Amy: I didn't mess it up. I got 102%. I found a spelling error in one question. I gave myself extra credit.

Rosa: Okay. I'm calling Holt. This is a failure.
Amy: No, wait, wait. I have an idea.
Rosa: Oh, I bet it's great.
Amy: Okay, you know how guys like O'Sullivan, they think we all look the same, right? So you dress as Amy. You take my place. And, oh, my God! Is nine-drink Amy a genius?
Rosa: That's never gonna work. You just need to sober up and get back out there. Oh, you're on the floor.

Gina: You know, I wouldn't worry about it. Amy's, like, physically incapable of being mad at you.
Captain Holt: I don't think she'll be disrespectful, but certainly she'll be upset.
Gina: Ehh, watch this. Amy, someone lost your pen, girl.
Amy: Gina, you better be joking. That pen is my best friend, and I will straight up-
Gina: It was Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, that's fine. It's just a pen.
Gina: It's just a pen. [derisive laugh]

Amy: And that is why Kristy and the Snobs is the best Baby-Sitters Club Book ever. Hey, we should go fly-fishing sometimes.
Rosa: That's never gonna happen. We need to sober you up and get you back out there. Coffee and carbs usually work, so here's what we're gonna to do. [slaps Amy]
Amy: Ow! Rosa! What about the carbs?
Rosa: That was a misdirection. Carbs never work. Slapping's the only way.
Amy: Oh, I think it worked. And I just want to say, what makes Kristy and the Snobs so good is the snobs. [Rosa slaps Amy again] Their names are Tiffany and Shannon, and they laugh at Louie even though he's going blind, which is so sad.

Amy: And the crazy part is, I really do want to go to the water park, but I can't give that to him because it's the only card I hold.

Jake: So?
Amy: [singing] Casecation All I ever wanted.

Jake: All right, so how do we handle this?
Amy: I mean, there's only one thing to do when two people have diametrically opposing views on a subject.
Jake: Talk about it lovingly and decide how to move forward?
Amy: Structured debate.
Jake: Oh. Fun.
Amy: High school format. Modified Lincoln-Douglas. Let's take one hour apart for research and prep. Yeah.
Jake: Great, I'll just do a Lincoln-Douglas.

Amy: A baby store in Dumbo is having a contest to win a Snoog.
Rosa: Who or what is a Snoog?
Amy: Are you kidding me? It's only the best roller. It has the versatility of Sporjule, the safety rating of a Fajerb, and an even smoother ride than the Kinderbuscht.
Rosa: Are you having a stroke?
Amy: All the best strollers are from Scandinavia, where they don't hate people for having children.
Rosa: I saw "Midsommar." Those people have their own problems.

Charles: It's just that lunch is the one part of the day Commissioner Kelly hadn't ruined. People are pissed. Morale's really taken a hit.
Amy: Okay, I got this. Hey, squad. Lunch is on me today. Taking everyone out for pizza. [people cheer] And that's how you improve morale.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. You're not the only sergeant around here. Let me help.
This side of the room, lunch is on me, and we're getting something better than pizza. Sushi! [people cheer]
Amy: Are you trying to outdo me?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, no. Just trying to raise morale.
Amy: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Morale, morale, morale. Okay.

Gary Jennings: Isn't this supposed to be an apology?
Amy: Yes. You're right. I'm sorry. I mean, I shot my husband with a real bullet two years ago, and it comes up way less than this.
Rosa: Way less than this.

Jake: So have you ever heard of a guy named Bruno Rojas?
Amy: Yeah, big guy in the Colombian cartel, right?
Jake: He was, until he got shot in the chest yesterday by his top lieutenant. Apparently, the bullet went straight through his nipple.
Amy: Whoa. Nature's bull's-eye.
Jake: Oh, my God, I love the way your brain works.