Amy: Oooh, that's a nice lam job. This one goes on the blog.

Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for hand-laminating, Santiago.
Amy: Of course, if you ask me, saving energy is trending. Oh, Gina, didn't see you there.

Captain Holt: You two need to figure out how to patch things up with Teddy.
Amy: He's still upset that I called him boring. We just have to pretend that he's interesting. I got pretty good at it while we were dating. We just have to smile and nod and agree with whatever he said last.

Jake: I'm still not sure who the second-best Die Hard villain is, though, you know? Probably Jeremy Irons. But maybe it's Timothy Olyphant, or it could be William Atherton.
Amy: Definitely the last one.
Jake: Right?
[current:]
Amy: No, I really think it's William Atherton.

Jake: I know accepting Teddy's jazz-brunch invite was the only way to get his phone back and save the Nine-Nine, but this place is literally hell.]
Jazz Singer: Eggs Benedict in a lickety split-
Jake: She's doing jazz about brunch. Maybe it's not too late to get out of here. We could start a new life in the country, maybe open a small bookstore.
Amy: How dare you tempt me with a small bookstore. We need to focus.

Amy: And in the chaos, you grab his phone, delete the recording, and we're golden.
Jake: Perfect. All right, let's stage a fake fight. This'll be fun, right? Pretending like we have things to be mad at each other about.
[cut to Jake and Amy at Teddy's table]
Amy: Jake's chronic tardiness, his slobbiness, and the fact that he wasted half the morning deciding what sneakers to wear those are just some of the reasons we're late. No one cares about your sneakers, Jake.

Jake: Can I really quickly just say the real reason we were late was that Amy insisted on brushing her teeth for 30 minutes?
Amy: Two minutes or one minute, 58 seconds longer than you did.

Jake: That was fun. We're really good at fake fighting. And you were amazing at coming up with all that stuff to be mad about.
Amy: Yep, totally, I just said all that stuff to save the precinct, and that's all.
Jake: Oh, my God. You don't actually care about my sneakers.
Amy: No! I care about them deeply. They're all so different.

Teddy: Hey, guys, it's Teddy from jazz brunch.
Amy: Hey, Teddy.
Jake: It's Teddy from jazz brunch. Why is he here?
Amy: I don't know. But the fake fight's back on. So shut it, you bigmouthed bitch and your stupid sneakers!
Jake: If you don't like my shoes, you can just tell me.

Amy: Teddy, I don't want to be with you.
Teddy: But you want to be with him? You guys have nothing in common.
Amy: Oh, yeah? Tell that to William Atherton the man we both consider to be the second-best Die Hard villain.
Jake: [gasps] She meant it.

Amy: And also, yes, we are different people, but I love that about us. I love that Jake's a little messy and that he cares so much about his dumb sneakers and he doesn't get stressed out about calendars.
Jake: Or flossing my teeth.
Amy: No, the non-flossing is crazy.
Jake: Copy that, and I love you.

Jake: But I thought the official hearing wasn't until tonight. Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down instead.
Gina: There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend.
Amy: I do so! Although, I only see her at work events, and we only talk through email. Oh, God, she's just a colleague.

Amy: Oh, my God! We did it! I can't believe we did it! Oh, no, we did it. It's over.
Captain Holt: Yes, I agree. [shaking hands] Up, down, separation.
Amy: [quietly] Separation.

Captain Holt: Santiago, the precinct's been saved. Why are you so glum?
Amy: Because our mentorship is over. I blew it all in one day.
Captain Holt: Yes, volume one of our mentorship.
Amy: There's more volumes?
Captain Holt: Of course. You think I could fit it all in one binder?
Amy: Okay, good.
Captain Holt: You don't seem very excited.
Amy: Oh, I was just adhering to section 7, page 145. No emotional displays in the work place.
Captain Holt: Excellent. I tought you well.
Amy: Now, if you excuse me, uh I have some work to do. On the roof. [door opens] Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's got a big problem!
Amy: Ooh! Math or real life?
Sergeant Jeffords: Why would I have a big math problem?
Amy: I've seen it happen.