Amy: Oh, the liaison application got you down?
Sergeant Jeffords: I finished that.
Amy: I know. There's nothing sadder than finishing a nice, long juicy application. It's like, why can't there be another essay or even a short answer?
Rosa: No one is relating to you right now.

Jake: Hey, Sarge? Everything okay? Only ask 'cause you haven't moved in the last 58 minutes.
Sergeant Jeffords: He doesn't want me to file the complaint.
Jake: Well, of course Officer Maldack doesn't want you to file the complaint. He's the one being complained about. I just realized you meant Captain Holt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah.
Rosa: What? Did you mess up the grammar or something?
Amy: Did you dangle a participle? Ugh, Terry, Holt hates a dangler.

Jake: Two, a huge hall full of cool police tech.
Rosa: Last year, I got to try out a heat ray.
Jake: Three, the Buffalo P.D. always throws an insane party. Last year, Amy got so drunk, she jumped a police horse into the pool.
Amy: Eight-drink Amy is an equestrian, and she's real bad at it.

Amy: I learned a bunch of new dance moves for tonight. Ones where you move your butt.

Amy: Oh, Scully. You bummed about Cindy or you just feel at home in a body bag?

Amy: They're so cute. Oh, no, Scully, don't put your finger in her mouth. Oh, she likes it.

Rosa: So she's stress-braiding. Big deal. That's like a one on the Santiago Panic Scale.
Jake: Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two, creepily singing songs from the Great American Songbook.
[cut to Jake and Amy in bed:]
Amy: You're a grand old flag. You're a high flying flag.

Jake: Hey, babe. [gasping] Oh! I see you've taken the braids out. Your hair looks fun.
Amy: Now it's ready for me to braid again.

Amy: You think that because you love me, and love has made you dumb.
Jake: I disagree, if anything, love has made me smarter. Remember last week when I boiled that egg?
Amy: That was big. I was really proud of you.

Amy: I'm sorry I freaked out and ran away.
Jake: It's okay. Just because you messed up the practice test doesn't mean you're gonna fail the real one.
Amy: I didn't mess it up. I got 102%. I found a spelling error in one question. I gave myself extra credit.

Gina: You know, I wouldn't worry about it. Amy's, like, physically incapable of being mad at you.
Captain Holt: I don't think she'll be disrespectful, but certainly she'll be upset.
Gina: Ehh, watch this. Amy, someone lost your pen, girl.
Amy: Gina, you better be joking. That pen is my best friend, and I will straight up-
Gina: It was Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, that's fine. It's just a pen.
Gina: It's just a pen. [derisive laugh]

Amy: No, I think Charles might be right. Yesterday, I asked her to go for a drink, and she said, "That sounds like a nightmare."
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, Amy.
Amy: Okay. Just give me this, please. I'd feel so much better about my self if it was because she was pregnant.

Jake: I requested a ridiculous thing, and he's doing it. Quick, think of more stupid stuff we can ask for.
Amy: Grapes. Sorry, I panicked. And I couldn't think of anything.

Captain Holt: Choosing him is a betrayal of everything I stand for.
Amy: I feel the same way about Kyle D.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, all I'm saying is maybe you can ask the downstairs people to be more-
Amy: Excuse me? "Downstairs people"? That's a little offensive.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, don't get it twisted. It's just where you came from. Some of my best friends are downstairs people.
Amy: Okay, I think you know exactly what that sounds like, you upstairs people.
Rosa: Oh, thank you for that nice compliment.
Amy: It wasn't a compliment, and you know it! I said it with 'tude.
Sergeant Jeffords: Classic downstairs person.
Amy: Wow, you are prejudiced against the first floor. I'm taking this up the chain.