Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I've made a terrible mistake. I am sorry about your pictures and your award and your computer...
Deputy Chief Williams: And yelling that I was wearing a wig and then trying to tear out my actual hair?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, that was a compliment! It's so thick and full for a man of your age.
Deputy Chief Williams: What?
Captain Holt: Let me handle this. The truth is, Lieutenant Jeffords acted like an irresponsible, insane madman.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Deputy Chief Williams: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Captain Holt: But looking at this incident from a different angle, it shows why he'll make a great captain. He's here before you owning his mistake. When I started at the Nine-Nine, I felt I had to be seen as infallible. But he taught me the importance of being seen as human. He made me a better leader. And you would be a fool not to make him a captain.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's touched.
Deputy Chief Williams: Yes, powerful words. As are these: happy heisting, suckas!
Both: What?
Deputy Chief Williams: Oh, you were right, this was a wig. [rips off wig] Ow. [exits]
Both: No!

Jake: Okay, according to the tracker it's close. Let's just agree that we're gonna pick it up and head to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Amy: Yeah, I agree. That you can suck it! We will end up at Shaw's, which is actually a meaningful final location. [tires screech, horn honks]
Sergeant Jeffords: Are we too late? Did you get the tube?
Jake: No, it's somewhere in this building. Brooklyn Storage Solutions.
Amy: Wait a second.
Charles: I know this place.
Jake: Yes, this is where we worked our first case with Captain Holt.
Captain Holt: That's right, it's a meaningful location. Tonight is my victory lap. I planned the perfect goodbye.
Jake: You have gotta be kidding me.

Captain Holt: So, you're leaving. That must've been a hard decision.
Jake: Honestly... [looks at Amy] It wasn't.
Captain Holt: It's funny. On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone. He told me you were a great detective, but the one thing you couldn't figure out was how to grow up. Well... I think you've finally figured it out.
Jake: Well, thank you, sir. I couldn't have done it without you.
Captain Holt: Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure.
Jake: Did I? I didn't realize that.
Captain Holt: But I want you to know if I had had a son and, uh, he had turned out like you, I would be very proud of him.
Jake: Thank you, sir. Wow. Wasn't expecting to get this emotional.
Captain Holt: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: [chuckles] Sir, did you just make a joke?
Captain Holt: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie. Did I do that right?
Jake: It was perfect. [both chuckle softly]

Jake: For Captain Holt and Amy's last day, I've been granted permission to throw a final non-holiday-associated heist.
Captain Holt: But before we begin, I'd like to say a few words. These last eight years have been some of the best of my life. I will always cherish our time together. But not as much as I will cherish drowning you all in your own blood.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: It's the final heist and I will chop off your limbs and feed them to your young. Now quit stalling and introduce it.
Jake: That's the spirit!

Jake: All right. Rosa Diaz, your partner will be the lovely Amy Santiago.
Captain Holt: Diaz, want to trade? Hitchcock, Scully, and the donkey, three for one? I'll even throw in Cheddar.
Rosa: Why? So he can spy on me?
Captain Holt: Oh, please. Cheddar's not a spy.
[Rosa opens the blinds to reveal Cheddar on the other side of the window]
Captain Holt: [over radio] Abort, she's onto us.
Jake: So Cheddar has an earpiece?

Captain Holt: Wuntch's grave.
Rosa: Wow. Did Terry put up a balloon arch just for the heist?
Captain Holt: No, that was me. I come every week to install a fresh one. But enough chit-chat. Let's dig her up.
Amy: I don't think we wanna do that.
Captain Holt: Why, are you scared of what she'd look like? She's just a corpse with worms for eyes, no different than when she was alive.

Rosa: Well, looks like it's gonna be a sprint out of the elevator.
Captain Holt: This is unfortunate. I didn't want to have to reveal it this early.
Jake: Reveal what this early?
Captain Holt: My most precious secret. My tattoo!
[As the elevator doors open, Captain Holt steps out, bends down and lowers his trousers]
Jake: [gasps] What am I looking at?
Amy: Is that what I think it is?
Jake: Kevin's human head on Cheddar's dog body?
Captain Holt: I asked for a tattoo of Kevin and Cheddar. I don't know why he combined them.
Jake: It's... it's...
Captain Holt: It's the ultimate distraction. [elevator doors start to close]
Jake: No, wait, wait!

Captain Holt: We're not gonna force our way into an armored vehicle. We'll need to use our brains. In the end, Gina will just hand me the keys to that truck.
[later, Holt knocks on the window of Gina's armored van:]
Gina: You.
Captain Holt: [on phone] Unusual activity on your socials?
Gina: You hacked me.
Captain Holt: I gave control of your entire social media portfolio to Hitchcock and Scully.
Gina: And you told them to embarrass me?
Captain Holt: Worse, I told them to just be themselves.
Gina: My God, I've agreed to host an Instagram Live for Outback Steakhouse.
Captain Holt: They're inside the precinct, if you want to go stop them.
Gina: You're a monster.

Jake: Hey there, Ray-Ray.
Captain Holt: Nice outfit, Peralta. It's very attractive. I'm making a pun. I know that's a magnet suit because I sold it to you.
Jake: You're Kazimir?
Captain Holt: [Ukrainian: "Of course I'm Kazimir"] And unfortunately for you, I have a remote that can active your vest and prevent you from controlling it.
Jake: No, no, no!
Captain Holt: [Ukrainian: "Thanks a lot, dumbass."] You stick around, okay? "Stick around" was another magnet pun.
Jake: Yeah, I get it was a pun!

Captain Holt: Lastly, on a personal note, as many of you know, Kevin and I have recently reconciled.
Jake: Noice. Somebody's getting some.
Captain Holt: It's true. I am.

Captain Holt: Now, when we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony.
[flashback:]
Justice of the Peace: Do you, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes.
Justice of the Peace: And do you...
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes, we do. We're married.
[present:]
Captain Holt: Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Sergeant Jeffords: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Captain Holt: We got the salad forks. Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are? [laughs] Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even wanna tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread plates?
Captain Holt: Don't be absurd. We're not crazy. No, the big surprise is... I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait.
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Jake: There you are. Why are you hiding?
Captain Holt: Oh, I was just looking at pornography. I felt an urgent need to watch some men taking a bath.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: Okay, fine, you caught me. I was checking my email.
Jake: And that's worse than watching porn?
Captain Holt: Much worse. Kevin can't know I'm working on our special day.

Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.

Rosa: What am I doing?
Jake: You, Charles, and Scully will be here, distracting Kevin and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.
Captain Holt: And who will be on Cheddar duty?
Rosa: I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?
Captain Holt: Bone? Bone?
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: [yelling] Bone? Cheddar's not some street rat.

Kevin: Raymond? What are you all doing in here?
Captain Holt: Um... Peralta's watching porn.
Kevin: What?
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: Peralta's watching a handyman repair a squeaky door and then [bleep] his customer.
Kevin: Is that true, Jake?
Jake: ... [quietly] Yes.
Kevin: I wish I could say I was surprised.
Captain Holt: Told you it was a great cover.
Jake: Not for me!