Captain Holt: Santiago wants to make Captain one day. I know, because I've frequently caught her wearing my hat and looking into a mirror.

Jake: And you'll be happy to know that he punched me in the face several times.
Captain Holt: That does make me happy.
Jake: Guess we're being candid today.

Rosa: We swept the scene, ran the prints, canvassed the building. We followed procedure.
Gina: Procedure is just a fancy word for proper order to do things.
Captain Holt: Yes, that is its definition.

Amy: Captain, you look-
Captain Holt: No.

Captain Holt: Oh, I've caused a problem. I think I am getting a text message. Bloop. Ah, there it is.

Captain Holt: How many cars would you say this Pontiac Bandit has stolen?
Jake: 230 that I know of, but the real number could be in the millions.
Captain Holt: You're not very good at math.

Captain Holt: Boyle, where is everyone?
Charles: Hiding from me in the evidence room. They think I don't know, but Gina's been live tweeting the whole thing.
Captain Holt: She live tweets everything. Ruined Downton Abbey for me.

Captain Holt: You're all hiding from Boyle!
Hitchock: Not me, Captain. I was napping.
Captain Holt: That's worse!

Captain Holt: Ouch. He ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain.

Captain Holt: My husband's dog, Cheddar, had relations with my neighbor's dog, Karate, and produced these two smaller dogs. He insisted I find them a good home with someone we trust.

Captain Holt: Hand me the small dogs, Santiago.

Captain Holt: I understand. Just know, you have disappointed all three of us.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's cold, sir.

Captain Holt: Sergeant, I'd like you to meet Richard and Dan. They are puppies.

Captain Holt: Nice work, Jeffords. Nice work, Peralta.
Jake: Captain, you're doing it. You're emoting.

Jake: "The free-style killer". Man, how come all the killers you caught had such cool names? The best name I ever brought in was "Narrow shoes Sam" because-
Captain Holt: His shoes were narrow and his name was Sam. I get it.