Captain Holt: Anything else?
Jake: Yes. What cute little nickname do you call your Husband?
Captain Holt: Kevin.
Jake: Adorable.

Captain Holt: Is this about your toast?
Amy: How'd you get that?
Captain Holt: Gina gave it to me. Very well written. There are several compelling anecdotes, the fonts suit the tone. Good work. I did feel, however, the word choice could have been improved in spots. I marked them "awk" for awkward.

Captain Holt: Can I help you, Santiago?
Amy: Oh, captain. I didn't expect to see you there.
Captain Holt: In my office?

Captain Holt: Yes, I received your "Save the Date" decorative gourd. Your ornamental cornucopia. And this beautiful hand-crafted card of a turkey wearing a tophat.
Amy: It's a pilgrim's hat.
Captain Holt: Where's the buckle, Santiago?

Captain Holt: My wife was murdered by a man in a yellow sweater!
It's the one case I can't solve.
Don't fight with family.
It can all go away so quickly.
Sign this?

Captain Holt: According to Charles' e-mail blast, it's actually #8.
Charles: Captain reads my blast.
Captain Holt: Of course. It's the only one that measures mouth feel.
Jake: What, are you kidding right now?

Jake: Sir, that's a brilliant idea.
Captain Holt: It wasn't an idea. It was a scathing indictment of your personal hero.

Jake: Will you at least tell Hitchcock to go home? His mouth smells like rotten trout milk.
Captain Holt: Is there such a thing?
Jake: I'm just telling you what it smells like.
Captain Holt: Get out.

Sergeant Jeffords: He makes me feel so small!
Captain Holt: Well, who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant! You're a grown man!
Now take your nap. And if I see the lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.

Captain Holt: I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Jake: But?
Captain Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Jake: You slept in your office and you look exactly the same. How?
Captain Holt: What are you talking about? My hair is a mess.

Captain Holt: I know you're all tired, but don't forget why we're here.
Jake: Because we're dedicated detectives.
Captain Holt: Because Peralta jumped the gun.

Captain Holt: You can crash on my couch. I even downloaded you some whale songs.

Captain Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.

Jake: This gambit was designed to fail. It's just like in chess. Sometimes in order to win, you've got to sacrifice your king.
Captain Holt: That's exactly how you lose at chess. Have you ever played the game?