Jake: Okay, well, I need to go be on trial for bank robbery now, so maybe we can talk about this later?
Charles: Oh, right. Good luck.
Jake: Good luck to you.
Charles: About the?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: Thank you.
Jake: Okay.

Jake: Look, Captain, you're stubborn. And that's an adorable quality. You wanna know what's not an adorable quality?
Charles: Acne.
Jake: Being dead.
Charles: Yep, being dead.

Jake: Well, frankly, sir, you're still acting like that brash, dumb Detective.
If you had truly changed, you'd be saying a bunch of boring, responsible stuff, like "Don't be stupid. Use the Detective squad. You're part of a team. I smell like sandalwood."
Charles: That's what it is!

Charles: Good morning.
Jake: Oh, my. We are very close together.
Charles: I love it.

Jake: Oh, my God. Is that what this is about? You're mad because I said the old sea captain you want to adopt is scamming you?
Charles: Dragomir is not a captain. He clubs the fish in the bottom of the boat. That's his after-school job.

Charles: There were so many warning signs about Dragomir. Nikolaj had never heard of him.
Jake: He's 45.
Charles: He asked for money.
Jake: He's 45.
Charles: He didn't have a birth certificate.
Jake: He's 45.
Charles: He looked older than 15.
Jake: He's 45.
Charles: Fine. He was 45. I'm just a sucker, trapped in a creepy sex van.

Charles: Look, they're headed south on the Belt Parkway.
Jake: Ooh, check what exit they're taking.
Charles: Marine Park.
Both: They're going to Wing Slutz!

Hitchcock: Oh, no, they found us!
Jake: Damn straight, we did. What were you thinking?
Charles: They obviously weren't thinking about anyone, especially the one friend me who had their backs and believed in them the whole time!
Hitchcock: Why is the little one so mad?
Jake: He's going through something.

Rosa: I always know exactly what to do, but for the first time in my life, I am stumped.
Charles: Rosa, you've come to the right man. Boyles are genetically indecisive beings.
Rosa: So I chose the worst possible person to help me?
Charles: No. We've developed a foolproof system to help us make choices. It used to take me so long to decide what to wear that I'd never change my clothes. Now look what I have on.
Rosa: Is this different than what you were wearing yesterday?
Charles: Barely.

Charles: Okay, I have tabulated your responses, and the results are definitive.
Rosa: Amazing.
Charles: It's a dead tie.

Charles: No! We can do this. Things seem bleak now, but the night is always darkest before the dawn. This is Shaw's. We've had weddings here, and funerals.
Shaw's is part of our family, because that is what we are. A family. And we're not just Amy and Rosa and Hitchcock and [retching] [retching continues]

Captain Holt: You left 17 voicemails. Here's one.
[phone message:]
Rosa: Holt! You got to come save us. We need a lie to get you here. Charles, what should I say?
Charles: That I got shot in the face. Ooh, and tell him to bring pizza.

Charles: So are you gonna make us give up, Clappin? Or are you here to tell us to stop?

Charles: Ooh, let me try. Hello, bag of old dried mushrooms. Do you bring me joy? Yes! You provide rich, earthy flavor to both soups and teas. I guess I'm keeping mine too. This is fun.

Amy: Seriously, Terry? You didn't throw out the suspenders?
Charles: What? That's not fair. I had to throw out Great Grandpa Ellen's bitty shoe!