Keri Brennan: Hey, Seth attacked me. And I'm really proud of myself that I didn't let him get away with that. So, even though it sucks, if I had to do it all again, I would. Especially the broken penis.
Jake: Why'd she say that to me?
Amy: I don't know.

Jake: Oh, man. Hey, check out these dinner rolls, huh? Love these bad boys. I'm just gonna chomp down on that, recklessly. [mimics choking]
Amy: Oh! Oh, no, Jake! He's choking!
Camila Santiago: Let David do it. He has EMT training.
David Santiago: I'm here for you, Jake.
Amy: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Jake: [exclaims] You know what- Don't worry.
David Santiago: It is gonna hurt like hell.
Jake: I think it's actually okay. [grunting]

Jake: Hey, where'd you go?
Amy: I just couldn't stand there while the whole restaurant gushed over David saving your life.
Jake: Yeah, there was a standing ovation. Also, everyone saw you walk away while I was choking, and I don't want to say you're a villain now, but the B-word was tossed around a lot.
Amy: Ugh.

Amy: I'm sorry. I just can't be around him. I shouldn't have come.
Jake: So let's leave. I'll tell everyone my stomach hurts, which it does. I'm pretty sure he broke my rib when he gave me the Heimlich.

Captain Donovan: Lieutenant Santiago, a word?
Amy: Why is David's captain here? What's going on? Is there a maniac on the loose, and David's the only one who can catch him before he blows up a train?
Jake: Oh, we could call him the Trainiac. We're focused on the same things.

Amy: I'm not happy about it!
Jake: All right. Calm down, Littlefinger.

Amy: Okay, this is gonna be my mantel shot. So every time Mom and Dad look at it, they'll be reminded of what David did.
Jake: I would say you should chill out, but this is actually making me feel great about my family, so let's dive in. Everybody say "possession with intent to distribute"!
David Santiago: Hey.
Jake: Oh! Ah, David, hi there. That was unrelated to your recent arrest for possession with intent to distribute. How are you?

Jake: How are you?
David Santiago: Not great.
Jake: Yeah, jail is rough. You got to go poop in front of everyone. I remember when I was in prison, I held it for weeks, and when I finally did go, it was-
Amy: You know what, Jake? This isn't about you.

David Santiago: Anyway, I think I got too close. Those dirty cops must have planted the drugs in my desk.
Amy: So what you're saying is, you're not addicted to cocaine?
David Santiago: Amy, it's me. I don't even drink coffee. I have too much respect for my body.
Jake: This is water.

Jake: So I checked up on David's case file. He passed his drug test. Apparently he has the cleanest blood they've ever seen.

Jake: The point is, if your brother gets hurt and you don't get his back now, it's gonna haunt you for the rest of your life.
Amy: [sighs] You're right. Obviously you're right.
Jake: Thank you.
Amy: If David gets killed by the Brazilian mafia, my parents' mantel is gonna become, like, a permanent shrine to him.
Jake: No, that's not what I meant.
Amy: Oh, the thought of it makes me want to puke-
Jake: You've learned the wrong lesson.
Amy: Come on, let's go help the bastard.
Jake: Don't love how we got here, but we're going where I want.

Amy: Oh, yeah? I'm also a better dancer than you.
Jake: Ames, you have badly misjudged your own abilities.
David Santiago: You think you're better than me?
Jake: Oh, damn. She's got a shot.

Jake: Hey, get off me! My God, you're even more stunning up close.

Jake: I told you, I was in the office because I work there, and we've actually met a bunch of times, and it's crazy you don't remember me!

Jake: Hey, are you okay?
Amy: Yeah, I just had to go to the bathroom, like I said.
Jake: Oh, great. I thought you went in there to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror like the girl from the deodorant commercial.
Amy: I don't know what you're referring to.
Jake: She wants the big promotion, but there's just one problem. She got skunk pit. We'll watch it later.