Jake: You can't handle the me!

Jake: How did you manage to step on both of my feet at the same time?

Jake: Good point, Captain Holt. Or should I say Captain Raymond Sex-Vibes?

Jake: Fine, here's my gun and badge.
Captain Holt: I don't need those. You're not suspended yet. You're on administrative leave.
Jake: You never let me do anything cool.

Jake: Ah, Commissioner Podolski. It's been a while.
Commissioner Podolski: Maybe because you haven't put any of my children in handcuffs recently.
Jake: Yay. Enemies for life.

Jake: Okay, but just so you know, I think you're both wrong. Self dismissed.

Jake: Look, let's just agree to say I'm Sorry on the count of three. One, two, three.
See? Now, I'm just disappointed in both of us.

Jake: We need to blend in. Stretch your leg above your head.
Amy: What? You stretch your leg up over your head.
Jake: You don't think I wouldn't if I could?

Amy: I'm horrible at this. When can we stop?
Jake: I'm horrible at this-
Amy: I know, I know. Title of my sex tape.
Jake: Huh. Well done. Title of my sex tape.

Jake: I am nationally recognized foxtrotter Dave Blathis and these are my protegés; Rhonda Shawarma and Hank Franklin.

Jake: No. He did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is how do you hurt your arm smiling.

Captain Holt: This took a lot of hard work and a lot of late nights. Take the weekend off, Perlata.
Jake: Thank you. You know, I actually might. I'm severely sleep deprived and I'm way behind on laundry.

Amy: What are you doing this weekend?
Jake: Oh, opposite of the Berkshires. Workshires. Working. Whole weekend. Fighting crime.
Scully: I thought you were taking the weekend off to do your laundry.
Jake: Does crime take the weekend off to do its laundry, Scully?
Scully: No, it doesn't. Sorry.

Jake: I found a cold case of ours that everyone foolishly said was unsolvable. Case 52ABX DASH 32QJ.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, case 52ABX DASH 32QJ is unsolvable.
Jake: Or maybe case 52ABX DASH 32QJ is waiting for someone to de-unsolve it.
Scully: What's case 52ABX DASH 32QJ?
Jake: Case 52ABX ...we gotta find a way to abbreviate this thing.

Sergeant Jeffords: That case almost killed us.
Jake: But I'm on a hot streak. Plus, we're better detectives now. We're smarter. Computers are faster. No more Blockbuster. Drones. I'm feeling it.