Captain Holt: We're locked in. If she gets in touch with O'Sullivan, it's over.
Jake: Wait. She said she doesn't have a cell phone. That means if we can tie up her landline, she can't call anyone. [picks up phone handset]
Carol: Hey, what did you do with the phone?
Captain Holt: Smart, but we're still trapped down here. [Jake smiles] Does that smile mean you know a way out?
Jake: Hmm? Oh, no, I was just... thinking about how you were about to hook up with that old lady. [laughs] [clears throat] But no, yeah, we're totally screwed.

Jake: A grown adult with a man cave. This is so embarrassing. Oh, my God, he has root beer on tap. [breathes shakily]

Jake: Fortunately, I know how to find his personal computer thanks to his YouTube rants about the NHL.
Frank O'Sullivan: [video] This is Islanders Talk, and today's topic: can hockey have female fans?
Jake: Yeah, he's not a good person. Anyway, those videos are taken in the "man cave" in O'Sullivan's basement, so that's gotta be where his laptop is. Holt and I will be infiltrating his house and retrieving it.
Sergeant Jeffords: How are you gonna get past him?
Jake: He won't be home. We're gonna lure him out using his one weakness.
[flash-forward:]
Frank O'Sullivan: Rare Billy Joel memorabilia sale?
Carol: Oh, that's nice, hear.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah.
[present:]
Jake: O'Sullivan will meet with an ex-roadie named Geronimo Rodriguez, who will actually be an undercover Terry Jeffords, our resident Billy Joel superfan.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was one time. You caught me lip-synching to "Uptown Girl" one time.
Jake: Nope, he's your favorite singer; everybody knows it.
Captain Holt: And you're the only one O'Sullivan hasn't interacted with. If he stumps you, Santiago will be nearby, feeding you Billy Joel facts into your ear.
Jake: You guys need to keep him busy and then use a piece of fake memorabilia to get a fingerprint we can use to unlock his laptop.

Sergeant Jeffords: So what are we gonna do?
Jake: I have a plan. We can prove that O'Sullivan changed the CompStat numbers if we find this.
Rosa: What is that, a bed?
Charles: No, that's a cheese grater.
Jake: It's his computer. Obviously, I should have had Terry do the drawings.

Charles: He claims you messed with the numbers? That son of a bitch.
Amy: I would never fabricate numbers. I love numbers.
Jake: Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.

Captain Holt: What? This isn't correct. Somebody changed these since last night.
Jake: Wait. I bet O'Sullivan hacked into the system. Do you know what this means?
Captain Holt: They're trying to kill...
Jake: Jake and Holt...
Captain Holt: Police reform.
Jake: Have a final case. Yep. Mm-hmm. Two equally important sets of stakes.

Captain Holt: We can't tell her. Things aren't settled. The brass is having a closed-door meeting today about our reform proposal, but apparently, the union is gonna claim that we fudged our numbers.
Jake: That's crazy. Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers. Sometimes I think she loves them more than me. Stupid numbers, think they're so great. I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.

Captain Holt: But I just received an email from my contact at One Police Plaza about our reform proposal.
Jake: Ah, yeah, speaking of that, now that the report is done, can you please tell Amy you're retiring? I don't like lying to her.
Captain Holt: So then you told her about the Top Shot?
Jake: I didn't need to because I traded it for an investment in The Rock's new cryptocurrency, which is currently worth... Oh, no, what happened to RockCoin?

Captain Holt: Anyway, I already have a cool final case that I'm working on: the police reform proposal that Santiago and I have been toiling over for these past six months.
Jake: Oh, my God, I didn't even think about Amy. She's gonna be devastated.
Captain Holt: Which is why I made sure she wasn't here when I told you. I need Santiago laser-focused on this proposal. We can tell her after we turn the report in. Hopefully, you can keep the news to yourselves for now.
Jake: Sir, she's my wife. I can't lie to her.
Sergeant Jeffords: What about that time you spent $1,000 on a Patrick Ewing Top shot?
Jake: That wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her. But she's gonna be happy about it, because that Top Shot is currently worth... Oh, no. I will keep your secret for $992.
Captain Holt: Deal.
Jake: Great, let's lie to my wife.

Sergeant Jeffords: You're leaving the NYPD?
Captain Holt: My preoccupation with my job has been a point of contention with Kevin for some time now. I wanna show him that our relationship comes first.
Jake: But, sir, it's too soon for you to retire. We didn't even get to do one final cool case together. The last thing we worked was finding that kid's missing mitten.
Captain Holt: I thought that was rewarding and poignant.
Jake: It was boring as crap!
Captain Holt: What were you hoping for otherwise?
Jake: I'm so glad you asked. We hunt down a serial killer, stare death in the face, and then in the final battle, you save my life and I say to you, "How can I ever repay you?" And you say, "You already have." Then you jump on your motorcycle, drive off, never to be seen again.
Captain Holt: I don't have a motorcycle, but Kevin and I did just purchase recumbent bicycles.
Jake: [bleep] you, Captain Holt.

Charles: Pappy's hugs were long and firm.
Jake: Okay, here's what I think might've happened. You loosened the jar, but you didn't realize it because you're a Godzilla man, and you don't know your own strength.
Sergeant Jeffords: First of all, thank you for calling me a Godzilla man.
Jake: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: Secondly, that's not it. The jar was too slippery.
Jake: All right, how about this? Charles was so freaked out about not being a Boyle that he got an adrenaline rush, and that made him stronger.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or maybe Charles is the One True Boyle.
Charles: And I know that Pappy's up there shopping for beige slacks at that Mervyn's in the sky.
All: Ah, Mervyn's!
Jake: Yeah, he's the One True Boyle.

Charles: I'm not gonna be able to do this, and I'm gonna be even more humiliated.
Jake: Just try. I believe in you. [to Sgt. Jeffords] So did you loosen it?
Sergeant Jeffords: I tried, but it's slippery, and that thing is sealed on tight. I couldn't budge it.
Jake: Oh, no. Uh, hey, Charles. Remember when I said that I believed in you?
Charles: Yes. It's the entire reason I'm doing this.
Jake: Oh. Godspeed.

Charles: Okay, I'm packed. Let's go home.
Jake: Charles, I'm sorry. I feel like this was all my fault.
Charles: Why? Did you inseminate my mother?
Jake: What? Ew, no.
Charles: Don't say ew. She's my one blood relation. Remember, I'm not a real Boyle.
Jake: Okay, fine. Maybe you're not a real Boyle. But what if you're a true Boyle? What if you're The One True Boyle?
Charles: No, no. You want me to open the Grandmother Dough. That jar is stuck shut. Nobody's ever been able to do it.
Jake: But you have to try. Terry, go grab it. All right, now let's reassemble those cousins.

Charles: Look, let's go home.
Sergeant Jeffords: We're leaving? What about the funeral? What about the eulogy?
Charles: I don't feel right giving it now. Sam offered to step in. I'll have him do it.
Jake: No, no, no. Wait. Assemble the cousins.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry. I was following Lyndon and I crawled into that thing.
Charles: That thing has a name. It's Muffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, thanks to Muffin, we lost Lyndon.
Jake: Yes. [over walkie-talkie] But also thanks to Muffin, I just solved the case of who killed Pappy Boyle. [radio feedback]
Sergeant Jeffords: We're right here.
Jake: Yeah. I didn't think it would feed back.