Jake: Okay, Kevin, we need to recreate your morning and see if we can find some clues.
Kevin: All right, Cheddar and I entered on the east side of the park over past those trees... Oh, how he loved those trees. Jake, I don't know if I can do this.
Jake: Yeah, you can do this, I'm right here with you. We're gonna get through it together. Now let's go. [Kevin coughs] Oh, hey, Kev, bud, couldn't help but notice that when I said, "let's go," you didn't go. You stayed here and stared at that bench.
Kevin: Cheddar loved benches. He'd run up to them. Sniff their legs. Paw at them with his...
Jake: Paws, sure, that's what you paw with.
Kevin: [clears throat] I'm sorry. This is impossible. Everything I see reminds me of Cheddar. The grass, the asphalt, squirrels... Cheddar loved squirrels.
Jake: Oh, stop.
Kevin: He loves to chase them. I suppose I should say loved. He'd never get there. He's like...

Jake: Terry, what you did today was awesome and I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I took things too far.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you kidding me? I was just guilting you as a tactic. I love how crazy the heist gets.
Jake: Okay, good, 'cause what I really wanted to say is next heist I'm gonna drown you in your own blood.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah? Well, then I'm gonna rip your arms off and beat you to death with 'em.
Jake: Oh.
Kevin: I'm going to slice your Achilles' tendons, peel off your fingernails, and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
Both: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Raymond, you were right. These heists are fun.

[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Man, I am so sick of Jake saying he is the only two-time Halloween heist winner.
Captain Holt & Amy: I'm the only two-time Halloween heist winner.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't believe everyone says you're not helpful during the Halloween heist. Just because they all think your fingers are too big.
Charles: We'll show them.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks for inviting me over for dinner. Boy, that's hung in a real prominent place, isn't it?
Kevin: Not for long.
[present:]
Kevin: I was manipulated?
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, Kevin.

Jake: The point is, Captain Holt solved the case when no one else could.
Captain Holt: He's actually been stealing from these archives for years. You've been asleep at the wheel, Allister. You're an embarrassment.
Dean Wesley Allister: Really? Well, at least I've never confused St. Augustine with Boethius.
Kevin: Oh, who gives a rat's ass about Boethius, Wesley?
Captain Holt: What are you doing, Kevin?
Kevin: I am creating a kerfuffle.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, but he is so much more than just that. Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department, but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. You make me want to have a wetter brain.
Captain Holt: Oh, Kevin.
Jake: Y'all are hella specific.

Dean Wesley Allister: And a big round of applause for Janitor Randy for recovering our precious coin.
Jake: Don't applaud for that man.
Dean Wesley Allister: What's going on?
Jake: What's going on is, Captain Holt just solved this case.
Dean Wesley Allister: What's there left to solve? We found the coin in Professor Port's desk. He's the thief.
Captain Holt: Oh, you'd like everyone to believe that, wouldn't you, Dean Allister? Or should I say, General Parmenion?
Kevin: Raymond, are you causing a kerfuffle?
Captain Holt: Yes. Sometimes a moment calls for a kerfuffle.
Kevin: No. No moment calls for a kerfuffle. You know my feelings on this.

Kevin: The problem wasn't what you said. It was that Dean Allister pointed out your mistake, and you lost your damned mind.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: I misremembered it because I'm reading both simultaneously. One book is too few for me. Where is everyone going? [Holt knocks over a vase]
[present:]
Kevin: It was quite the kerfuffle.

Jake: Hello, sir. How'd you find us out?
Captain Holt: Mahler's Fourth Symphony. He'd never sit in just any section.
Kevin: I might. I'm flexible.
Captain Holt: Oh, really? You'd sit center left? In timpani alley? I'll purchase those tickets right away. [Holt pauses for a long time with his finger over his cell phone]
Kevin: ... No, don't!

Kevin: Whoomp.
Jake: There it is! Got to say, I could have used a little more oomph on the whoomp.
Kevin: That's the oomphiest whoomp you'll get.

Captain Holt: So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well. [Holt and Kevin shake hands] PDA in the office? My, my.
Captain Holt: Couldn't help myself.
Kevin: Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?
Captain Holt: Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.
Kevin: Thank you for granting it.

Jake: No! No more credentials, please. I don't want to have a structured debate.
It's an idiotic way to decide something.
Amy: What?
Captain Holt: How dare you?
Kevin: [v.o.] Is he insane?
Gail: [v.o.] Raymond, Kevin, I'll be reporting this.

Captain Holt: Since this has become about me, I'm gonna have to abstain from this round as well, but Kevin is still standing by.
Kevin: Actually, I feel as though your personal relationship with Peralta affects me too. Luckily, I had Gail standing by as well.
Amy: [gasps] Oh, my God, you guys know Gail?
Jake: Who's Gail?
Kevin: Vice president of the Debaters Club.
Captain Holt: This is a very big deal.
Gail: [v.o.] Do you need to hear my credentials? License number U as in uniform, 7-

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Jake: Yeah, next thing, you're going to say you'd wished we had watched "Leaving Las Vegas", a dark, ponderous reflection on alcoholism that earned Cage his Oscar.
Kevin: Aargh! *walks away*
Jake: What? I told you, the guy's got range!

Captain Holt: I brought you your box of DVDs.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
Kevin: What the hell did you just say?
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: Say that to my face.
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?
Jake: Well I didn't think it was any good. It's just some period piece.
Kevin: What?
Jake: Set in Greece.
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Jake: Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake's hands* Aah!
Kevin: Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

Kevin: Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture. Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to call him a dirtbag.
Captain Holt: And why would you? A dirtbag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner. Clearly, it's a compliment.
Jake: Wow, you guys are so perfect for each other.