Captain Holt: You put my husband at risk, and for what? Because you felt a little cooped up?
Jake: That's not it.
Captain Holt: You could have cost him his life.
Kevin: What life, Raymond? I spend every day lying on the floor of that house talking with Jake about popular culture. Do you know what it means to "clap back", Raymond? Be-cause-I-do.

Jake: But going out into public is a huge risk, so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques. *Kevin punches Jake in the throat* [gasps] [chokes] Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.
Kevin: Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial.
Jake: Cool. [coughs] So he's a great teacher. But I will say this. If you're going to do a throat punch, it is key that you say something cool afterwards like, "choke on that".
Kevin: Right, but they're not choking. They're experiencing airway trauma. Ooh, how about, "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Jake: Okay, yeah, that's very informative and quite polite. [ahem] But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?
Kevin: But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum. I don't see how it's an insult.
Jake: All right, you know, puncher's choice.

Captain Holt: You think I enjoy doing this? I assure you, I do not. I'm simply trying to keep my husband alive.
Kevin: Well, you may not have a husband when all of this is over.
Captain Holt: You're not going to die, Kevin.
Kevin: That's not what I meant.
Captain Holt: I'm leaving. This is an absurd conversation, and you're being ridiculous.

Jake: But sir, the stench. It needs some way to escape.
Kevin: I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of - What are those things you're always eating?
Jake: Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza pockets?
Kevin: That's it. How much longer will I be forced to live inside this pizza pocket?

Jake: Okay, I think you're actually going to like this one. Nic Cage is a chemist-
Kevin: Interesting, keep going.
Jake: Who has to break into Alcatraz-
Kevin: Absolutely not! Are there no other actors?

Jake: Oh my God, I'm so glad Captain Holt finally agreed to let you come visit.
Amy: I missed you so much.
Jake: Me too.
Amy: Um, is there a way we could get a bit more privacy?
Kevin: Just pretend I'm not here. God knows I am.

Kevin: Or perhaps you employed "Face/Off" technology.
Captain Holt: What?
Kevin: I broke down and watched one of Peralta's action films. I'm lying, I watched them all, including one wherein a man's head turns into a flaming skull.
Jake: "Ghost Rider", and "Ghost Rider 2". Both master-pie.
Kevin: Yes, I need your help, Raymond.

Jake: "Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, 'cause this boy's comin' home."
Kevin: "Con Air". What have I become?

Captain Holt: I don't know why we can't still make the drive next year. We just don't have to buy the pie.
Kevin: A trip with no purpose? [chuckles] Raymond.

Captain Holt: There's only one thing I still can't figure out. Why'd you do it?
Kevin: Because it's disgusting.
Captain Holt: Oh, my.
Kevin: That pie is an abomination. It has beef suet and apple seeds in it. Why? It's a walnut pie.

Kevin: Well, everyone's plans seem lovely.
Scully: Oh, Hitchcock and I didn't say ours.
Kevin: How unfortunate.

Captain Holt: But this is not just any pie. It's an English walnut pie from the Cottage Inn - in Saratoga Springs.
Kevin: Raymond and I drive all the way upstate for it every year. It's the finest sweet treat on earth. Even better than a plain scone.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, that good, huh?

Captain Holt: Ah, Boyle. Just the man we were looking for. Kevin has accepted a fellowship to teach at the Sorbonne for the next six months.
Charles: Oh, I love Paris. At least how it's represented in the movie Ratatouille.
Kevin: Uh-
Captain Holt: The rodent chef.
Kevin: Ah, yes. Farfetched.

Kevin: Marcus, you can help with the boeuf bourguignon. I subbed shallots for onions in the mirepoix.
Marcus: (high-pitched excitement) No. Are you kidding?
(Whispering) I have no idea what he's talking about.

Jake: I don't think you dislike cop talk. I think you dislike cops.
Kevin: [scoff] I'm married to one.
Jake: I know. And I can't imagine it's been fun watching the man you love marginalized, under appreciated, and disrespected by the NYPD.
Kevin: Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell by his colleagues. Many of whom, quite frankly, look exactly like you.
Jake: Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
Kevin: So, yes, I decided a long time ago, that just because I love Raymond, doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. Good solve, detective.
Jake: Nice cop lingo.