Hitchcock: Wait a minute, you liars! What's that nice couch doing here?
Sergeant Jeffords: The old couch didn't make it.
Rosa: The second the sunlight hit it, it turned to dust.
Charles: Sorry, guys, we're stuck with the nice, clean expensive sofa. But I guess we'll just have to make do.
Scully: Oh, we'll make do. We'll make do all over it.

Captain Holt: Gentlemen, we have a situation. Scully and Hitchcock just got a call from Internal Affairs. They're interested in a case of theirs from 1986. If you ask me, this old case is only coming up now because the commissioner is trying to drum up a scandal in the Nine-Nine.
Hitchcock: And take out your two best detectives in the process.
Captain Holt: You're not my two best detectives.
Scully: Oh, that's such a relief. I feel so much safer now.
Jake: Good lord.

Jake: You said you recovered three duffel bags full of cash and that's what the evidence logs say as well.
Hitchcock: Yeah. So?
Jake: So count the bags. One, two, three, like you said, but then take a look in this mirror behind you, the one that shows off your shockingly taut bottoms.
A fourth bag.
Hitchcock: Oh, probably missed it.
Scully: Yeah, you know us. We're dumb-dumbs.
Jake: But even you wouldn't miss a giant bag full of cash.
Hitchcock: It was the '80s.
Scully: Police weren't perfect then like they are today.

Jake: I don't think you get what's happening here. This is an interrogation, and it's only gonna end one way: with you telling us everything.
[Scully laughs]
Jake: Something funny?
Scully: It's just I don't think you get what's happening here. You're locked in a small, windowless room with the two of us one hour after lunch.
Jake: Oh no.
Scully: You want to know what we ate? Four-cheese pizza, double-cheese, with a side of cheesy fries, extra cheese, and a big old slice of cheesecake.
Jake: But, Scully, you're lactose intolerant.
Scully: Yeah. This whole room is a [BLEEP] Dutch oven.

Jake: Okay, now that we can all breathe, let's try this again, unless you want to try and stink up the entire city of New York.
Scully: Challenge accepted.

Young Scully: Anybody have a trash can? 'Cause Flat Top and the Freak are bringing in some garbage.

Jake: Ugh, look at all these credit card charges for Wing Slutz. It can't be healthy to eat there this much.
Scully: If you want a diet option, the Marine Park location has a blue cheese parfait.
Charles: You guys go all the way down to Marine Park for wings?
Scully: There's a waitress there who always gives us an extra drumstick in our slut bucket.

Jake: Internal Affairs isn't actually investigating your case. That call you got wasn't real.
Hitchcock: What?
Scully: The guy on the phone sounded legit. He had a very deep voice.

Jake: That's Gio Costa. How'd he get out of jail?
Scully: Probably for good behavior. He had really great manners.

Sergeant Jeffords: No one is getting fired. We just need to organize this place.
Scully: Nah, do what I do. Embrace the mess.
Sergeant Jeffords: You've got a bagel stuck to your sweater.

Jake: Hey, you never came home last night. You doing okay?
Scully: No, I'm a mess. I miss Hitchcock.
Jake: What? I was obviously talking to Amy.
Scully: Oh, and who's talking to Scully? No one. Come on, sandwich.

Rosa: Hey Terry, you okay? You skipped all your lunches.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm going through the budget to see if there's any way we could save enough money for me to stay here.
Amy: You find anything yet?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, we could switch to generic printer ink, cut down on custodial services, and stop buying office birthday cakes.
Scully: Over my dead body!
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just an idea.
Scully: Well, take it off the table!
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Scully, fine.

Officer Debbie Fogle: Mmm, what do I want in my sandwich? Let's see. Definitely ham, cheese, baking soda for sure, French vanilla creamer, ooh, orange chicken. [runs] Ah!
Sergeant Jeffords: Debbie!
[Scully holds his arm out and knocks Debbie to the ground]
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ooh!
Scully: You really thought you'd get away with it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Scully!
Scully: I was planning on eating that orange chicken later!
Sergeant Jeffords: Is that why you took her down? Do you even know about the missing cocaine?
Scully: Cocaine?

Hitchcock: Amy, could you open your mouth for me?
Amy: What? No.
Scully: Forget it, I just saw. She's got all her teeth...
Hitchcock: [scoffs]
Scully: Even the back ones.

Hitchcock: Wait!
[A fire extinguisher is thrown into the elevator]
Amy: What the hell?
Scully: Sorry, I didn't want to run, and that was the only way to stop the doors.
Rosa: It wasn't, and it didn't.
Scully: It worked, we're here.