Jake: All right, this is pointless. C.J. will just tell everyone the truth.
The Vulture: No, he won't. I bought him off. All I gotta do is play "Madden" with him.
Jake: Come on, C.J.

Jake: Look, you're not gonna get away with this. You were a part of the whole thing.
The Vulture: First of all, Jake, there's no records that you and I teamed up together because you insisted that we only communicate through a beeper.
Jake: Stupid beepers. We're right to be addicted to our phones.
The Vulture: Eyewitness saw you. The DNA's all over the scene. And I caught you red-handed making a hostage video. Your [bleep] is cooked.
Jake: That's not a saying. It's "goose."
The Vulture: Who cares about a goose? I'm talking about cooking a penis.

Jake: What are you doing? You were gonna get promoted out of Missing Persons.
The Vulture: Your plan went to hell, tough guy. Wuntch she came to me with a much better one. Guess what she's giving me for betraying you? My dream job captain of the-
Jake: 69th precinct.
The Vulture: Bingo.

Jake: They have my hair? I thought you put your two worst guys on this.
The Vulture: These are my worst guys, all right? They're real dorks. They both wear glasses. And one of them's even a woman.
Jake: Ugh. You said you didn't trust them to get coffee.
The Vulture: Look, if you can't tell what "coffee" is code for by now, then you and I shouldn't be talking about this, Jake.
Amy: Oh, my God. He put his best detectives on the case.
The Vulture: Hey, my two best detectives are Sticky and Boner, and they definitely know how to order "coffee." Extra cream. Wink, wink.

Jake: So, this apartment will be our base for the duration of the mission. Thank you to The Vulture for procuring it.
The Vulture: Hey, don't thank me. Thank my boy, Billy. He said the place was mine while he's still in prison.
Jake: What?
The Vulture: That's not what it sounds like. His only crime was planning a kickass music festival.
Jake: Are you friends with the Fyre Festival guy?
The Vulture: Best friends. He got a bum rap. You can learn about it when my documentary comes out. It points all the blame where it clearly belongs with the island people.
Jake: Wow, so many levels of terrible there.

Jake: Look, John Kelly has to be stopped. He's spying on civilians. It's unconstitutional and it's wrong.
Captain Holt: Please. Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
The Vulture: I'll help.
Jake: See, sir? There is good in every person.
The Vulture: But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Jake: Why would you want that to be known?
The Vulture: 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room. Like that?
The Vulture: Yeah, it's awesome.

The Vulture: All right, look. I'm deleting the app from my phone as we speak, okay? Come on. Jean's over 30. No amount of money in the entire world could make me marry a woman that old. But love can.

Jake: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What's your game here, Vulture, huh? Why are you renting our venue?
The Vulture: Why do you think, meat farts? I'm getting married.

Amy: Really? You once told me that marriage is for women and gays.
Jake: And that the only thing you're married to is banging married chicks.
The Vulture: Yeah, and I meant it all. But love? Love hath changed me.
Jake: No it hathn't. You just vultured our venue.
The Vulture: Yeah, but I did it for love. My fiance, she means everything to me.
You know, she's hot like a chick, she's smart like a guy. Just talking to her gives me a Harrelson.
Amy: Harrelson?
Jake: Woody.
Amy: Ew.

The Vulture: Look, I know I've become that gross, sappy guy, but dude, she's the first chick I ever wanted to hang out with post-bang.

The Vulture: Hey, you know what? I need to handle this right now. Look, I know how hard it is to find a venue. But if it could happen for me, it could happen for you.
Jake: It happened for you because it did happen for us.
The Vulture: Chins up, dingdongs. I'm trying to be happy over here.

The Vulture: You're Valerie? Ah, I can't believe I actually wasted my sweet dong snaps on you bozos.

Jake: I can't believe a real person has agreed to marry you.
The Vulture: Oh, my lady's real, all right. Her name is Jean Munhroe, and we complete the living hell out of each other sometimes twice a night.

The Vulture: It's because I got a bet going with the captain of the A4 to see whose squad can solve the most cases.
Winner gets to choose a tattoo for the loser, and guess what I'm getting him.
Jake: Calvin peeing on the Tasmanian Devil?
The Vulture: No, it's supposed to be a bad tattoo. Man, you're really stupid in the morning, aren't you?

Madeline Wuntch: And after all your so-called detective work, you didn't even get the right guy.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-
Captain Holt: It was an error, but-
Madeline Wuntch: Do not interrupt me.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
Seven times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.
The Vulture: Same goes for you, Peralta. Except for the juicy ass part, because your ass is stupid.