Sergeant Jeffords: The hippo with heads on both ends, that's Hitchcock and Scully.
Amy: How do they defecate?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's a kid's book, Santiago!

Hitchock: Looks like Boyle's out and Hitchcock's in. What do you want to do tonight? Go to a strip club? Have dinner with my wife?
Jake: Are those separate options, or does she live at the strip club?
Hitchcock: You wanna know, you gotta go.

Captain Holt: Wuntchtime is over. Boom! Did it. Had it both ways. No regrets.

Jake: Captain, you're smiling. It's very weird. Like seeing a turtle out of its shell.

Rosa: I'm out. Four hours is the most time I've ever spent alone with any human. It was the worst experience of my life.
Amy: What about that time we drove up to Boston together. That was about four hours. Oh, I see what just happened.

Gina: This one's definitely you. Look how masculine the clothes are.
Amy: It's a suit of armour.
Gina: Pantsuit of armour.

Captain Holt: You remember my nephew Marcus? The 31-year-old? He asked me to ask you if you are single. I told him I'm not a third-grade girl with pigtails passing love notes.

Charles: Okay, no butter-syrup, no talking about Die Hard.
Jake: Okay, I can do that.
Charles: Or Die Hard 2 or Die Hard 3.
Jake: What? Come on. So you just want me to talk about the fourth one?
Charles: There's a fourth one?
Jake: Charles!
Charles: No judging me for not knowing the Die Hard.

Captain Holt: I'm happy. Our drugs task force was a success and today I get to watch my nemesis, Madeline Wuntch, drape a medal around my neck.
Rosa: Also we cleaned up the streets.
Captain Holt: Yeah, that's good too.

Jake: "Drop house", a perfect name for a porta-potty. As soon as we get out of here, I am taking that to Shark Tank.

Madeline Wuntch: For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award on detectives Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, and Captain... Raymond Holt. Raymond.
Captain Holt: Madeline.
Madeline Wuntch: You won. Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

Captain Holt: We told you eight days was too long for a stakeout.
Jake: With all due respect, sir, it wasn't the amount of time. It's who I was stuck there with.
I could easily have done it with Scully.
Captain Holt: Really? You would've applied that cream to his back?
Jake: No, I would've put it on the floor and let him roll around in it.

Gina: And I'm not a stone-cold bitch. I'm a natural, beautiful presence.

Jake: What is happening?
Charles: I got to do this or the bullet holes in my butt stiffen up.
Jake: No talking about your butt holes.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, can I just scootch in there to the coffee?
Amy: You can scootch your ass back in line. My coffee needs are just as important as yours.

Jake: Hey, this is a kind of weird request, but would you maybe mind chewing your Nortfluskers with your mouth closed?
Charles: I can't, and I'm excited to tell you why. I have a new eating method. I realized that open mouths oxygenate the food, so it's kind of like wine tasting.
Jake: And I hear you, buddy. I really do. It's just, it's pretty gross, so maybe just while we're together, you could keep the old chewer shut?

Gina: Holy Moses. "Bye"?
Rosa: What?
Gina: For you, that's basically walking up to him and jamming your tongue down his throat.
Rosa: Shut up.

Captain Holt: Everyone, this is my nephew Marcus. He's new in town. He's staying with me until he finds a place. He is 31.
Gina: You are a terrible hype-man.

Rosa: Where do you want the food? And does braided herring and jellied starfish count as food?
Charles: Oh, indeed it does. I may be stuck in a tiny room, but my palate will travel the world.

Jake: The only time I ever yelled at Charles was cheering him on at his roller boogie competition.

Jake: Turn the other cheek. Which I recently learned is about faces and not butts, but works either way.

Captain Holt: I should be the bigger person. That shouldn't be hard, given that Madeline's not technically a person.

Captain Holt: I've been planning how to zing Madeline when she puts the medal on. I have the perfect line. "Wuntch-time is over.
It's a play on lunch time.
Jake: Yes, devastating burn, sir.

Jake: All due respect, Sarge, but we don't need Alone Zones.
Charles: No, we do not. But, let me ask you a question, how do you feel about Scone Zones?

Jake: Great news, my friend. We have a bathroom pet. His name is Horace, and he's either a small rat or a large cockroach, and he's either sleeping or dead.